September came and ended so quickly again... the days were mixed with smiles and a few tears... but I'm still full of hope... OK... so here we are again... it's autumn in the city. For some reason this time of year has always signified a shift in the story or maybe even a new chapter... probably all the years of back to school shopping and starting a new grade level and the other things that only happen in the fall, getting ready for winter dreams and the holidays to come...... I've said before many times that my favorite season is summer... followed closely by Indian Summer... because... well another summers promises are coming to an end.. but it's giving us one last chance to make a wish, devise a plan, or ask another important question and maybe finally follow through on a decision we put off while basking in the summer sun... That being said... fall is definitely my second favorite... mostly because I really like the clothes and perhaps more importantly there is a particular kind of sunlight, sky and air in autumn that does not exist in any other season... Life takes on a different quality and rhythm briefly when there is a crispness in the air and the crunch of fallen leaves under our steps...
Speaking of clothing, frocks and frippery... The September issue of most of the fashion magazines is supposed to be their highlight and most revered viewpoint publication of the year...but alas they have been rather meager (at least for me) for several years... I take it a sign that my taste level has evolved higher or maybe just differently than what the rest of the world wants to look at and wear... when you realize this it puts a lot of other things in your life into perspective too... But before we go on... way back when I started writing here I said...fashion rules were made to be broken... sometimes you just have to bend the rules a bit to suit your fashion statements and philosophy ... that being said I still won't wear white shoes after Labor Day... that one is pretty easy for me because I don't wear white shoes... trainers don't count... but what I also said before and I'll reiterate it... don't ever waste fashion or just throw it away... because the carbon footprint on this planet is already far to big... If you don't wear something because it does not fit or suit you anymore... donate it to a thrift shop or worthy cause... someone probably will love it... but if it's beyond repair and thread bare... cut it up and make a quilt or something... just don't throw anything away that is still in even the smallest way usable.
Judith Krantz wrote a book about 40 years ago about the fashion and publishing world in New York called. "I'll Take Manhattan" part of the plot involves the heroine of the story takes an out of date publication about the fashion trade and revitalizes it to fit the current market... there is a lot more to this than meets the eye for all of us now... In the book a new beauty/lifestyle magazine is launched that likes you just the way you are... and does not want to make you buy things you don't want... and that the point is to fully enjoy you for who you are and your life and what you have. So that's pretty much my fashion advice for this edition... but there is still a bit more to read if you are so inclined.
Most magazines try to inspire you to be something you are not and to acquire things that are not authentic to who you actually are and in the end make you feel bad about yourself and choices in the process... because you don't have a picture perfect house and don't know the names of the people going to the places that are already old news by the time it's published and on the newsstand or your coffee table... I'm going to let you in on a little secret from my experience with the fashion and magazine industry... Magazines are simply a vehicle to sell advertising... they are not really selling dreams to you... but instead heartache and disappointment because you don't quite measure up to what they are trying to entice you with... Don't let the suits on Madison Avenue undermine your self-confidence and independence...Don't let any magazine editorial or advertisement try to change you into something you don't want to be... sure look at them for some inspiration or ideas from time to time but please don't subject yourself to following any advice or suggestions that don't mesh with you and your life (that mentality is what creates fashion victims)... In all fairness if a fashion magazine is doing it's job and you as the reader have a strong sense of yourself then...the magazines are reporting the fashion world and drawing out the key elements for the season ahead... and summing up the most interesting and innovative ideas.... I still look for this but rarely find much to where it actually fits my tastes, aesthetics and lifestyle... but in all fairness my favorite suit is my birthday suit... and my iconic fashion item is still a plain white cotton tee shirt...
If I can give you one great piece of advice... stay away from anyone or anything that says... this is in... and this is out... Just decide for yourself... If someone gives you unsolicited fashion advice especially if it's prefaced with "Do you really think at your age?" Look at them with a blind eye and listen with a deaf ear... People who say this are giving advice on how they want to see you dress and/or act... and/or they are envious of your fashion joie de vivre.... I've always politely said... "You worry about what you are wearing and I'll take care of what I put on and what I want to show the world"... if that is too subtle for them then say this...
But always remember no matter what and even if you are second guessing yourself and having an off day...
In the working world there has always been an unwritten (but often it is actually written out and detailed) norm for what is and is not acceptable attire to wear to work and for business related social activities... if you want to get ahead generally you need to adhere to what is outlined and fall in line with "the uniform"... this is true in most conservative business environments...over time it's relaxed a little bit... if not then you can often take subtle liberties to assert your own fashion flair (I used to know someone who became a partner at one of the most conservative law firms in Chicago and she had to wear what she had to wear... but underneath she wore the most outrageously naughty lingerie)... But always remember on your own time you are free to wave your own fashion flag... and you should always wear it proudly. Phyllis Newman sang a song in The Mad Woman Of Central Park West that asked "Fancy or not a stitch which is better?" Phyllis Newman---Better... for me I've always said my two favorite fashion choices are Black Tie or stark naked because both can be very festive and each can have almost endless possibilities depending on your attitude and the circumstances.
I have always dressed up or down for me not other people... if you are of a certain age and/or independent means... you have a lot more flexibility with not giving a damn what other people think about you and your clothing and accessory choices... this is one of the true perks of getting older and having the self confidence about expressing the freedom of your choices.... as you get older the one thing you should never wear are the opinions of others regarding your fashion choices... But if an invitation says "Black Tie" my advice is to wear it...don't reinterpret it (but wear it your way). One of my all time favorite quotes about style and growing older is...
Clothing and real fashion have no gender or expiration date... If you like it and it makes you feel good about yourself... wear it...
But remember try to find things in colors and fabrics that flatter you and show you off to the world in the best way possible... if you feel you have a flaw like skinny legs or whatever... find things that don't bring attention to it... as I said last month I'm going to change my approach to what I spend on clothing... I'm going to buy one really sensational thing every year and I'm also going make one amazing thing with my sewing machine... and if it's good fabric and made well... and I take care of it... it will last for several years... so try to aim for something with timeless appeal... but once and a while a little whimsey never hurt anyone (one of my favorite things was a Stephen Sprouse liquid silver metallic tee shirt)... remember to take care of your body and have it be in the best shape and condition possible (remember that clothing does not make you look heavier... extra unwanted weight does that)... and finding the right clothing will be a little less stressful when you are as fit as possible... the bottom line with fashion is if you feel like a million dollars when you have it on and it makes you happy to wear it... You have found the true north on your fashion compass... and don't let anyone ever talk you out of it... but don't loose sight of the fact that your life, tastes and needs will evolve over time... don't be so rigid that you lock into something without even considering something you may have eschewed or never considered in the past.
In terms of beauty... I want to share something Joy Reid said recently..."With everything going on in the world right now... it's more important than ever to stay rested, hydrated, unbothered and moisturized." and if I may add my own two cents... "Move and make decisions like everything is going to work out" (someone I used to work with called it the Harper's Bazaar walk)These are going to be my watch words for my beauty, health and psychological well being from now until I draw my last breath... I still deeply care and am bothered by everything going on right now... but I'm not loosing a minutes sleep over it anymore or anything else unless it involves my friends and/or loved ones... The following is my simple beauty regime for the 21st century...
- Go to bed early and get a good night sleep (we need beauty sleep)*
- Get up early and face everything (do the more difficult things first)
- Drink plenty of water
- Eat good food
- Exercise
- Cleanse, tone and moisturize
- Get fresh air every day
- Save money
- Read**
- Listen to music**
- Avoid gossip and drama
- Take a nap if you feel like it...
** Old songs and books hit new notes and cords when you’re not the same person who read it or listened to it years ago... before the experiences and knowledge that brought you to where you are now
It may seem a little boring at first glance... but boring is seriously underrated.
The best part about being true to yourself is...you no longer have an image to maintain...you will delight some... and disturb others... truth be told that's the way it's been for me almost my entire life... because in the end... none of it will matter either way... the saddest version of me when I started growing older was when I lost my spark and direction and did not really know who I was anymore or what I was supposed to be as an older adult... luckily it was a brief period and I found myself and a new and improved life again.
I said in an earlier excerpt "Beauty is as beauty does" I don't think many people really think about this anymore because most people have become so mean, crass and calculating.... I started to really consider it after a conversation I had with my mother and my brother when I was younger and as it was pointed out at the time... you really can't take any credit for the way you look when you are 18...but as you get older... if you are still attractive and (one of the key ingredients to beauty) happy then all the words, actions, choices and the way you have lived your overall life will be your own doing...real beauty comes from within and develops with age.
The way I've looked has certainly opened many doors for me and for a significant period of my life it was part of how I earned a living... but it's also had a darker side... sometimes certain people in the past made me or I allowed them to make me feel unseen for what was not visible to the naked eye...and a few times mistrusted and misunderstood, condescended to and insulted and often feeling isolated and alone... and this was all on me to find a way to bridge the gap and shed light on what was lost between the shadow and the act between what other people see and who I actually was then and am now beneath the surface. But always remember you can't make other people be more than they are... a lesson that took me a long time to learn... For the people who all they have ever been is beautiful... it's usually very difficult to find their way out from this...but I will always remember the words of Judith Sheindlin... better known as Judge Judy... "Beauty fades... dumb is forever"... intelligence and a moral compass fill in a lot of the missing pieces over time as we evolve... but one of the most important key ingredients as I said before is to be...
I guess one of the last few things I'll say about beauty... don't have cosmetic surgery unless you absolutely have to... I was in an automobile accident and I wanted to get my face back to as close as possible to what it looked like before... that being said if you are seriously considering going under the knife... look at the celebrities or people you know who have had surgical procedures and look very closely to see if it did or did not have beneficial results... there is something really underrated about aging gracefully... someone once said "A smile is the best facelift" I think it was Sissy Spacek in an interview about 30 years ago... if you really feel that it's something you need to do... then go to the best doctor available and be prepared to pay top dollar... I've seen people walking around who look like they did it themselves with a kitchen knife and a needle and thread... I don't want to post it here but google the image of the female cast of Knots Landing.... then and now... that to me is the best poster for taking care of your self and letting nature take it course...
Quick story... I saw a couple of people about 20ish years ago on the subway and they were laughing and happy and suntanned the way you get when you go skiing in the spring... and they both looked like they lived the most incredibly fun and happy life... and I kept staring and thought what is it about them that is making them look so amazing (they appeared to be about 10-15 years older than I was and I was looking for some beauty tips)... and it dawned on me that they were aging naturally and loving every moment of their life... and I said to myself then and there ... that's the beauty road I'm going to take.
One of the things I've talked about many times here in the last several years is moving away from the people, career choices and places that did not fit with who I was becoming and where I wanted to go...It all started at Heathrow airport... I got paged and shortly after someone approached me and said " Are you the Boz Bochner that used to live on Kalakaua Avenue in Honolulu...?... I paused for a second flashed a big smile and said... "No... but I used to be... now I'm the Boz Bochner who lives on Egerton Terrace here in London.... we could not possibly be more different from each other"... so many things have happened over the years and its really important to understand that who you used to be in the past and who you are now... and who you will be in the future are three different people and what you always need to consider is if the people who you used to know or knew you in the past... only know a person who no longer exists...
Sometimes it's possible to find new connection with people we used to know and sometimes not...what I look for in others when trying to find common ground is a mutual understanding of...life is already very difficult at times and I don't want to be around people who make it more difficult...and I don't want to be that kind of person to anyone else... I want to be around people that we bring out the best in each other... comfort, calm and peace... that is the kind of energy I need from people and that is the kind of energy I will give back.
One of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and how others see you in the cold grey light of dawn every day... is to develop emotional intelligence... you will know you have it the moment you stop reacting by being triggered or provoked... and stop chasing approval and most importantly protecting your peace at all costs... after that most everything in your life will start to shift.
It's very important to remember... you are not a machine...you are a living breathing person with a soul that needs music, connection, pockets of joy and beautiful sunsets and laughter... prioritize these things like your life depends on it... because it does... as far as fashion and beauty goes... it's all in the details of knowing who you are and understanding your own life and direction.... Deep down inside you your soul knows what you need and want and what works and what needs more work and refinement... start listening to the little voice inside of you that is trying to lead the way.
If you were hoping that this segment was going to be a fabrics and colors and garment silhouettes and accessories... and skin and hair care and exercise and diet... I've already written about all that so take a look back in the previous entires in the archives of what I've written about those subjects previously.
So it's already autumn and the days are flying by faster than ever...if all you are doing is working and stressing out and paying bills ... make time every day to enjoy the most you possibly can...I had to teach myself again to take walks, and enjoy music and laughter and relaxation again... Happiness does not have to be expensive... we all deserve to be happy every day of our lives....
I'll close with something I thought about including last month but decided to save as a highlight for this month...
Fascism is cured by reading
Racism is cured by traveling--- Miguel de Unamuno
I find this to be mostly true if you in fact read between the lines when necessary and ask questions and look for answers in life... but more than anything you have to be a decent person with a moral compass... and if when you travel you actually experience another place and the people and culture... There is more than just seeing the sights and sounds of life in a place outside your comfort zone.
I'm always amazed at the number of people I encounter who have no interest in world travel... and even more amazed at the people who don't or won't read... it's difficult for me to have any meaningful conversations with these people except small talk... which probably fits their comfort and skill set best.
On a completely personal level...Because of a series of calamities starting in 2018.... that were completely out of our control... the life we once knew and were comfortable living changed for us forever... and we both knew life would never be what it was ever again... and then covid came along and shut everything down making matters even worse... and there were a handful of people going out of their way to try and actually make it worse... We had the difficult lesson to learn that Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean we had to tolerate lies, chaos, drama, manipulation and disrespect. For a while it felt like we slipped into an alternate reality with no way out...and nothing made sense the way it used to.. we made a commitment to each other we would find our way again to a new and better life... we started by removing toxic ties and relationships from our lives and relied on each other and the strength, support and friendship from the small handful of people who were not part of the toxic people purge... and we started to rebuild our life from the ground up... "Are we there yet?"... no but our life is much better than it was when it all fell apart... there is a lesson there for us with the way things are now on the outside world...I've been saying this since last January..."Things could be worse... and maybe they will get worse... but we will find a way out of that too."
So in terms of the life outside of our front door we are taking the same approach more or less but on a much larger scale... there are many more factors to be considered... but like I said last month... I have hope... and that sometimes is the first step...to making determined differences.
I've said it here before... a friend once reminded me that I've gotten through all the worst days of my life... and there were times I was more than a little unsure I was going to make it... but I did... and it made me think about all the people in my life who did not make it and the millions of people who also lost a battle they tried valiantly to win... I think about all of them when I'm having one of those days that I still have so much to be grateful for in spite of all the distractions, curve balls and chaos life can throw at us... that I'm so thankful that I never gave up trying.
So with everything that is happening in the world right now, not matter what... I promise I'm going to show up for the fight when I need to... And while I'm doing everything else that needs to be done I'm going to rock the look and be the person I fought so hard to become.
See you next month!... go out and start living your best most fabulous life!
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