I really never anticipated or even considered writing here about death because... well it's pretty much a buzz kill discussion but in the past 10 days or so I've written a condolence letter, learned of a death of a friend and reflected on the death of another dearly departed friend on the anniversary of his death and one thing lead to another in my thoughts and memories so I thought I would share some of the things I've learned or experienced along life's highway.
If I could sum up my feelings about life very briefly it would be simply---
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." --- Helen Keller
The earliest memories I have of any discussions of death relate to the holocaust in WWII Europe and I doubt I will ever write anything more than what I discussed here in Make Laws Against Regret
The earliest memories I have of any discussions of death relate to the holocaust in WWII Europe and I doubt I will ever write anything more than what I discussed here in Make Laws Against Regret
Most likely I will not be writing anything more about religion; mine or anyone else's because I consider it a very personal matter but there are some customs that I still honor and very briefly they are--- when someone I love or am very close to dies I observe 7 days of formal mourning after the funeral or service followed by a 30 day period of less intense mourning by returning to work and most everyday activities but avoiding frivolities like parties, concerts, and socializing... however if it's a spouse or family member I observe a year of remembering and honoring their memory and life and will keep celebrations and frivolity to a minimum but will participate in business socializing and and holidays and other life celebrations but on a more mellow and/or somber note and if possible will not make any life changing decisions like moving or changing jobs or getting married etc... etc... etc... but you kind of have to be flexible-ish in these 11 months.
In Judaism, life is valued above almost all else. The Talmud notes that all people are descended from a single person, thus taking a single life is like destroying an entire world, and saving a single life is like saving an entire world.... OK I'm finished discussing religion (probably forever) so if you have specific questions regarding protocol before or after a death about a specific religion or culture feel free to not contact me as there are countless books and internet sources that will likely give you better and more thoughtful answers.
The war in Vietnam and the death of someone I loved is the first time death ever touched me directly and so harshly... I still have a great deal of emotion and conflict discussing the details....
For years I've been carrying something around on a piece of paper and every once and a while I'll pull it out of the box to read again... I don't even remember where I got it and have no idea who the author is but it sums up my feeling for that loss...
"Remember the day I borrowed your brand-new care and I dented it?
I thought you'd kill me, but you didn't.
And remember the time I dragged you to the beach and you said it would rain, and it did?
I thought you'd say 'I told you so.' but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I flirted with all the guys to make you jealous, and you were?
I thought you'd leave me but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie all over your car rug?
I thought you would scream at me, but you didn't.
Remember the time I forgot to tell you the party was formal and you showed up in jeans?
I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't.
Yes there were lots of things that you didn't do.
But you put up with me, and you loved me, and you protected me.
There were lots of things I wanted to make up to you when you returned from Vietnam.
But you didn't."
These words have been a direct reflection of how I have conducted my life and my behavior since the first time I read them.
In all of the years of my life I have survived so many people from war to illness and accidents and terrorism, and lived through situations including automobile accidents, earthquakes, hurricanes and and an avalanche to name a few but I think the most difficult thing for me is to see the pain and suffering involved in illness... to this day I hope that by some miracle I go peacefully in my sleep or check out having really fancy sex when my time is over because I've never seen death come easily for anyone I have ever known--- it's never like it's filmed in Hollywood... in the last week for some reason I thought of the first few people I was friends with who died of AIDS and the dozens of others since... It all started with Joe MacDonald who is probably the most handsome man I have ever met in my entire life... I can never erase in my mind what illness did to him.
And in between the living and circumstances of life and deaths in my own personal life--- eventually when I could come up for air dozens of other friends and acquaintances had died but when I got a phone call that Fred Souza died something inside of me shut down that at the time I was unsure I could ever revive... while Joe was the most handsome man I've ever met Fred was hands down the nicest man I've ever known before or since...
The war in Vietnam and the death of someone I loved is the first time death ever touched me directly and so harshly... I still have a great deal of emotion and conflict discussing the details....
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| Vietnam War Memorial |
For years I've been carrying something around on a piece of paper and every once and a while I'll pull it out of the box to read again... I don't even remember where I got it and have no idea who the author is but it sums up my feeling for that loss...
"Remember the day I borrowed your brand-new care and I dented it?
I thought you'd kill me, but you didn't.
And remember the time I dragged you to the beach and you said it would rain, and it did?
I thought you'd say 'I told you so.' but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I flirted with all the guys to make you jealous, and you were?
I thought you'd leave me but you didn't.
Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie all over your car rug?
I thought you would scream at me, but you didn't.
Remember the time I forgot to tell you the party was formal and you showed up in jeans?
I thought you'd drop me, but you didn't.
Yes there were lots of things that you didn't do.
But you put up with me, and you loved me, and you protected me.
There were lots of things I wanted to make up to you when you returned from Vietnam.
But you didn't."
These words have been a direct reflection of how I have conducted my life and my behavior since the first time I read them.
In all of the years of my life I have survived so many people from war to illness and accidents and terrorism, and lived through situations including automobile accidents, earthquakes, hurricanes and and an avalanche to name a few but I think the most difficult thing for me is to see the pain and suffering involved in illness... to this day I hope that by some miracle I go peacefully in my sleep or check out having really fancy sex when my time is over because I've never seen death come easily for anyone I have ever known--- it's never like it's filmed in Hollywood... in the last week for some reason I thought of the first few people I was friends with who died of AIDS and the dozens of others since... It all started with Joe MacDonald who is probably the most handsome man I have ever met in my entire life... I can never erase in my mind what illness did to him.
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| Joe |
I wrote in another installment what a difficult time I had in the 80's; part of it had to do with the number of funerals and memorial services I attended and it took it's toll on me emotionally so much so that when I left Perry Ellis's service on the way home I could not make sense of anything anymore and I remembered him saying once "I think fashion dies when it's taken too seriously." and I wondered for the first time if it could also apply to life and living so I decided to take a break from my sad circumstances and went down to the Caribbean to stay with friends to see if I still knew how to dream and try to make a new life plan and I worked on my tan and went scuba diving in between...
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| Perry Ellis |
It was when I got back to New York City that I became a friends Health Care Proxy and primary caregiver and that experience taught me the important lessons of compassion when dealing with precious little time and the fragile existence of living during end of life issues and perhaps more importantly the necessity of sometimes being realistic and other times burying your head in the sand for the sake of someone else's comfort and quality of life...I also smoked a lot of pot with my friend who was using it to curb the side effects of chemo therapy... but I was the one who was eating an entire pie with ice cream every day and gained about 30 pounds but during my last session of herbal relaxation followed by overeating I decided it was going to be important to have a clear head for what was to follow in the upcoming months.
From every chapter of my life I've learned something and from each death a new facet and sometimes greater understanding has emerged because life and death are intertwined and I think it's important to understand that (I avoided thinking about or discussing it for the most part almost my entire life)... what all of it has taught me is it's the contributions we make to the world and the way we live our lives and how we treat others is how we will be remembered.... period the end; because I believe we are born, we live and then we die we should not fear or avoid discussions about death so much but be more aware of the life we are living and take the necessary steps to avoid a life not fully lived... and finally I was leaving a funeral service of a friend who died of lung cancer and I thought of something my doctor told me... "Once you have health complications from smoking your life will never go back to what it was." I decided then and there I was going to quit smoking and make my priorities about living as healthful and happy life as possible because whatever time is left is precious and I don't want to waste a second of it.
I have not discussed in detail some of the very personal experiences I have had in this journey because I'm basically a very private person and some of those issues I have chosen to keep to myself... but I will share this... once at the end of someone's life they said to me "If you ever need me I'll see you in your dreams."--- and that promise has been kept several times.
I want to close with something a little more up beat so I'm going to repeat what you have most likely heard from your mother and countless other people thousands of times in your life... "Just be yourself!" no truer words were ever spoken and we should have all listened the first time we heard it... so stay as you are and you'll go far!... unless you are an absolute asshole then go on pretending to be what you are not because the world will be a lot happier and a nicer place to live and work.
A friend of mine is going to Paris in the not too distant future so next week I'm going to take a little tour around The City Of Lights."
Have a great week and live your life to the fullest!
