Between Chapters

 

If you have been reading since I started this project or if you joined recently I've touched on that we write the chapters of our lives and ultimately, hopefully a happy ending... I don't know if you are like me when I read a book... sometimes I have to stop because I think I know what is coming up and want to take a step back and reflect.. or I just can't wait to see what happens next. For our purposes today I'm going to focus on when we are between chapters and going forward without hesitation or pausing to reflect... I think both are equally important and knowing when you have to choose one or the other takes an acquired skill set.

The way life works as a rule (unless you go into a coma) you can't skip a chapter... that in itself would probably be an actual chapter. You have to read every line and understand what it means and you have to know every character and be aware of what they are to the story and/or what they represent... it's not always an easy read and not always enjoyable and some chapters will make you cry while other will lift you to new levels of joy and enlightenment, and you don't want it to end and move on to the next part of the story... but move on you must... you have to keep going forward. Your story is just part of the many that keep the world revolving and interesting. You have to live each moment of it  not miss a single word or detail.

I'll get back to all of this later... first I want to say that It's hard to believe how fast this year has flown by in spite of the fact that in many ways it's been a somewhat... difficult (is not the right word) journey... but perhaps waring is more on point. Let me start by saying that I just had my one year followup from the kidney donation I made last May and everything is wonderful on that front... I think I mentioned that I had a wellness check consultation with a doctor a couple months ago from my insurance company...  and one of the questions they alway ask is "Are you depressed or anxious?"... my answer was "No not in a clinical sense but I'm having a normal reaction to the world and the political climate in this country right now" and went on to say if people were not sometimes a little depressed or anxious about what is happening in the world right now they are either living in a fools paradise or there is something really wrong with them... A couple of chapters of my story this year include dealing with some skin cancer issues that seem to be (hopefully) taken care of... the rub is I now have to go back to to the skin cancer clinic doctor every six months for the rest of my life (better safe than sorry)... wish I had embraced  sunscreen about 40 years sooner... but you can't go back... The other thing is while I was having my year check up for the kidney donation follow up (which mostly involves giving blood and urine samples to make sure everything is operating on all cylinders the nurse who was taking my vitals told me...Your heart rate is 190 you have to go across the street to the emergency room right now"... so fast forward to the ER when you come in and you are having a medical emergency of this nature you get to skip the line and they immediately attend to you and did and EKG and moved me to a sort of ER area that was semi-private with a door and hooked me up to a heart monitor and injected me with something to bring my heart rate back to normal... and it worked... but it did not last so they gave me a pill that is slower acting but a longer lasting version of what they injected and monitored me for five hours to make sure I was stable and then sent me home with instructions to see a cardiologist ASAP...  I've already done all that and now have a prescription for what they gave me if it happens again and I have an appointment for next week for more diagnostic work and a heart monitor that I will wear around for a couple of weeks. (I can take a shower and live my life with it but no swimming or baths)

C'est la vie... truth be told the only time I really love a bath is after a long day of alpine skiing.

So the ER doctor and nurses explained to me how lucky that I was so close to the hospital and dealing with this quickly as the situation could have turned deadly or at the least "really bad"... they managed to scare the crap out of me and once I had the sense to call my other half with the 411 about the 911... I used my phone for the mirror feature to see how I was holding up under the circumstances ... not great but my hair looked fabulous ( I took selfie to document the moment)... the hours dragged by and another person was brought in to share the space with a divider in-between us to give us each a small shred of dignity and privacy (with all the fluids they were giving me in an IV I needed to pee about every hour into a bottle sitting up in the ER bed thing... I also took this moment to promise myself that I was going to  enjoy the rest of my life in the most positive and fulfilling way possible (as I'm sure everyone does if they think this could be the end)...Somewhere in the day that was dragging by I did realize that I had a Citi bank credit card bill due the following day and if I lived through this I did not want to jeopardize my good credit report so I paid the bill on my phone app and decided at that moment I was going to get the somewhat unreasonably priced jumper that I have had on my wish list (I bought it yesterday after I got home from the cardiologist... I'm bringing all this up because if you read back to the other ER episode I wrote about here... I'm Not A Doctor But I Played On On TV... from ease dropping on the patient next to me and from what I could hear from all the drama playing out outside the room I was in... I felt very lucky to be me at the moment and not any of the other people dealing with their health emergencies  and would deal with my issues probably easier in the coming chapters (with superb blond highlights and wearing a delicious white Stone Island jumper with a good credit rating intact)... I'm not being glib because I also thought about my seven minutes... I read somewhere that after death the human brain lives on for seven minutes replaying it's best memories... I have no idea if this is scientifically accurate... but I love the idea and would like to think that most of my seven minutes will be played from somewhere in the life that I've lived with my other half for more than the last two decades and the best parts of everything  will be prominently featured with meaningful background music.

So from the darkest depths of the Weill Cornell Hospital Emergency Room the next day I woke up at home in a place that feels right and my heart is calm (and not beating 190 times a minute) my soul is lit, my thoughts are positive and my vision is clear. I'm at peace with where I've been, everything and everybody I've been through and where I'm going from here. I had the pause that apparently I needed to take by resting at the hospital and reflecting... and now I'm ready for the next chapter.

But before we move on... the other insight that came to me while I was waiting to be discharged and sent home is that at a certain age we are all feeling tired and worn out and often uninspired to conquer the world and all the uncertainties... but we have to find a way to replace the cynicism that stole our optimism and joy to something useful... we all have to trust ourselves enough to take the risks we need to take to connect us to the person we need to be to move forward... because now more than ever I believe it's foolish to try to be something we used to be... time to move on... one of the things that came together for me in about 2018... was all the things that I thought were drowning me were actually teaching me to be a better swimmer.

I have had a couple of days to reflect on the fact that I don't like how angry I've become since the outcome of the last presidential election.. It is not me, but I'm angry because I care. I honestly don't ever remember being this angry and upset on a continuous basis. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this... I can see it in the attitudes and the faces of perfect strangers I encounter every day...I think I've turned the corner on this because... it's OK to be angry... but it's not OK to have your anger turn to cruelty (mine has not)... I've also given careful consideration to the way people and attitudes have changed over the last 8-10 years and the key issues seem to be  lowered expectations, lack of discipline and perhaps most importantly is normalized hate and disrespect... the difference is this time... I'm not letting it keep me up at night over analyzing every aspect of every news report.

With that I give you this to consider...

"I dedicate myself to myself,

for the rest of my life, without haste,

without excuses.

I don't know how much time I have left,

But I want to spend it remaining true

to who I am, without letting anyone

disturb my inner peace.

I now grant myself the right to open

a bottle of wine for no particular reason,

to buy myself flowers without waiting

for someone to give them to me,

to walk without ever looking back.

Happiness found me the day

I stopped looking for it in others

and discovered it within myself.

Life cannot be replayed.

And I have decided to live it to the fullest."

~Meryl Streep~

And this...

“It's dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly... Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them...throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you...trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That's why you must walk so lightly...on tiptoes and no luggage...completely unencumbered."

~Aldous Huxley, from “Island”

I've been a fan and have read everything I could get my hands on since reading "Brave New World"

But perhaps one of the most profound things I've come across recently is... 

The most valuable math you can learn is how to calculate the future cost of your current decisions.

As I've considered where I am now and what is coming up in the future chapters is what can I do in the next three to five years that I will respect and appreciate from my deathbed?... I'm making a list... but I've reconsidered happy endings too...

To conclude about the doctors and hospitals... with technology being what it is almost everyone has an app that you can put on your smart phone... my healthcare system does and it's pretty swell... you can find doctors, make appointments etc... and your test results and history are all at your fingertips... while I was a waiting for someone I took a look at what the cardiologist wrote in the notes of my visit yesterday... the gist of it was that it started with I'm a pleasant, positive, intelligent and happy person... so with that I feel like I'm on the right path going forward... but I thought back to the last time I was at the clinic for skin cancer and one of the doctors I had met with briefly last fall came into the room and said "Oh I remember you!"... I said "Is that a good thing? I hope" he said " Yes you are easy to remember" I'm still not sure what he meant but I considered something...

One of my mottos has always been...Everything you do and say is a signature of yourself... sign it with style... it's how you will be remembered...I don't know if that is what he meant... but I'm sticking with this until I'm told otherwise.

Finally... I still have not recovered (I'm not really sure I'll ever get over it) from the fires that devastated  Los Angeles last January... it was a painful closing of a chapter of my life that the place and surrounding community that I once thought I would grow old and reflect on my life burned to the ground and was reduced to ash and rubble...

For me this is one of those chapters that was extremely difficult... and in some ways more difficult to turn the page on move on... as I've reflected on the memories of when I still lived there I thought about the sunsets I saw from my bedroom, and all the parties and different people... and days bobbing on the swimming pool on a float dreaming my dreams and planning my plans... and all the different trips I had taken to various places around the world... and I was always happy to come home to this house...I really don't count my age in years but the memories I had here... and subsequently the memories I have created since... and what I will have going forward... with all of this gone that rebuilding will never recreate I feel lucky to have once been of this place and the community...so until I find my forever home again... I can use that as a guide.

It's been an important life long lesson and not just the events of this past year... but remembering that all the closed doors, heartbreaks, misconnections and disappointments pushed me in the direction I was supposed to go.

For me one of the things that I struggled with the most in life is to let go of the lost friends in our changing lives and understand that not everything and everyone was meant to be around for the entire journey but just maybe for a chapter or two. People are in our lives for a reason and most of them not more than a season or two and the precious few for a lifetime... don't confuse them and try to make them fit where they don't belong... Accepting this makes moving on and turning the page a little easier... but some of those people in previous chapters can still bring important points and insight to the present... My best friend from high school and college father told us both that we need to pay more attention to developing character and not worry as much about our reputation...he went on to explain that your character is who you are... and your reputation is what other people think you are... I've never forgotten that... the other thing was to live your best life... and that the most important aspect of living your best life is a lack of desire to show others you are living your best life... "Your best life won't need validation"

It was not always easy... but one of the things that has always worked to my best advantage is that I've never been the type to try to fit in where I don't fit or belong... I've always been OK sitting by myself if I feel that I need to.

One final thought... I know I've mentioned this before but having had to get undressed in front of a handful of medical professionals this year and been questioned about various scars I've collected over the years after I finished the explanations I added..."They are the proof that I showed up for the battle and fought for my life"

So go back and read some of the passages from the previous chapters that brought you to where you are in the story... sometimes they will give you insight to the next part of the story... If you are still not sure and feel stuck then start by becoming the most healthy, happy and healed person, who is present and confident... and the right path will reveal itself... and perhaps go back to your bookshelf (I hope you have one) and read again with fresh eyes some of the passages that have been important to you in the past and see if they still are... one of mine is...

So next time I'll be talking about the importance of sometimes having  late dinners, long lunches and coffee breaks and getting dressed up... and some tips on traveling whether it's around the block or around the world... meanwhile consider this...

Someone sent me an email asking me what I meant last month about...Be a traveller not a tourist. I'll go into greater detail next month. I hope you will join me. Thank you for reading...

Think about where you want to go and which directions you want to take as your guide...

Life is like a book...some chapters are sad, some chapters are happy and exciting... but you have to turn the page to see what happens next...Stay safe... and happy!