The Ship Of Fools

 

The last days of August and the first few of September are like no other time of year...they are a whisper... not really summer anymore... and not yet autumn... but the smell and the feel and the overall vibe.

First of all thank you for reading and I hope you had a fantastic summer. I know I did even though it had its ups and downs at times... but c'est la vie.

I want to give a special thank you to everyone who has been reading along since September 2015 and of course everyone who joined in along the way... time flies... I started this just to get some ideas and memories recorded... but one thing always leads to another somehow especially with me and now here we are.

At the beginning of the summer I was reflecting back on my days in school when we had a summer reading project and a book report due on the first day of school in September...  If I'm writing a report I generally read the book and put sticky notes with notes on the pages I want to refer back to. I always liked getting the reading and additional research done fairly quickly and writing a rough draft and then making edits or additions... and then sending it off to be professionally typed.I got into this habit at a very early age thanks to my favorite uncle growing up.

In the summer of 1965 I chose the  Katherine Anne Porter book The Ship Of Fools ... it was first published in 1962 and we had a fairly good copy of it on our bookshelf at home ( a little secret)... I read the book the previous spring and submitted it for approval  for my report in May.

At the end of July that summer the movie was released... I had already finished my paper... and I used some of the insight from the film for my oral report if I was chosen to do so (One person per class was selected... I was)

The film directed by Stanley Kramer with a stellar cast Ship Of Fools Imdb was depicted much as it was written in the book... considering it was filmed close to the end of the code years in Hollywood... but I digress... If you have not read the book or seen the movie... I highly recommend  both... if you have previously read or viewed it... I highly suggest you revisit it... I did both during the summer.

Because of the book and the movie I have used a certain phrase over the years perhaps hundreds of times.... "Dancing on the deck of the ship of fools" (That was the title of my paper)

The ship acts as  floating model of 1930's society with a diverse ensemble of nationalities, classes and ideologies in the shadow of fascism as Hitler is coming into power in the thirties Traveling from Veracruz Mexico with a brief stop in Havana Cuba before continuing on to Bremerhaven Germany. Katherine Anne Porter took the exact voyage in 1931 and kept a detailed journey of the trip that formed the foundation of her novel.

The title is taken from Plato's philosophical metaphor representing humanity sleepwalking  into a catastrophe fueled by personal prejudices and willful blindness.

Another from my outside research when I was writing the paper I learned the the phrase "Ship Of Fools" is a powerful allegory used to describe the British transportation of convicts or those who were considered "undesirable" to Australia  from 1787 until 1868... the original term and meaning is from a 15th century satire about a ship crewed by ignorant people. Historians and writers apply it to the British convict ships to highlight human misery, administrative incompetence and perceived foolishness and moral failings of the passengers and their keepers... in the allegory the ship lacks an capable captain leading to chaos and death from withheld food and medication... on a journey to nowhere. (there is much more to this if you are interested in doing a little of your own research)... but those who survived the Australian voyages built  a nation and laid the social and economic foundations of modern Australia... maybe it's possible for the United States to do the same thing.

In the end of the book and the movie... the passengers disembark and return to their ordinary lives oblivious to the terror of the Nazi regime about to unfold walking blindly toward the Holocaust and World War II.

The final line of both stories mocks human compliancy and denial in that people are perpetual fools who refuse to open their eyes to the repeating historical atrocities until it's too late...

Suffice to say this book report and a few others I wrote raised a few eyebrows when I was younger I wrote a few other spellbinding reports that included The Holocaust and  the  internment camps in the United States and the broken treaties with native Americans...(all the things we were not taught or in any real depth or truth in school)...so there you have it and here we are again... 

The last ten years have been my least favorite of my entire life... the last two in particular... I don't know any other way to say this  without just saying it... I don't know if I'm going to live to see the end of where we are right now... If the tide turns fairly soon... I will... but I'm not holding my breath... what I am doing is making my day to day world as happy and peaceful as possible yet still being informed and involved... I'm never, ever going to stick my head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening even though not enough is being done about it... but I will say that sometimes it's very beneficial to take a step back and go for a quick dance on the deck.... (wherever that may be)

The artist Bansky wrote something recently that has stayed with me...

"WE WERE ALL HUMANS UNTIL RACE DISCONNECTED US, RELIGION SEPARATED US, POLITICS DIVIDED US, AND WEALTH CLASSIFIED US"

Tomorrow is not guaranteed... so we need to work with the materials we have today to make what we want our individual lives to be or as close to it as possible... But it's really important to remember everything we have in life is borrowed and temporary... we don't get to take anything with us when it's over. 

Tom Hardy said something in an interview once and I think about him and what he said quite often...

"Some people don't understand that sitting in your own house alone in peace eating snacks and minding your own business is priceless"

I've been thinking about some of the people I'm going to miss until I take my last breath and some of the incredible gifts they left with me... Your life is only as good as the people you surround yourself with...you always win when you move through your life authentically and honestly.

As I was reflecting on people and places and ideas... sorting through all of it the good, bad and ugly... all of the mistakes and misconnects  were eventually the portal to something  else... usually discovery... One of the best things that have come from me taking the reins of my life again and not dwelling on every distraction being thrown at me and keeping me awake at night wondering... is that I've returned to a more peaceful place... especially at night because I've found something to ground my feelings...

I don't think we sometimes give ourselves enough credit for the fact of what we deal with on a daily basis...in any given day we are absorbing and dealing with more information than our parents processed in a month... notifications, opinions, outrage, disasters, advertisements and just the noise of modern life... don't get me wrong in spite of every single thing going wrong right now I'm happy to be alive and part of most of it.

I think we all deserve a regular reset and knowing that with all the commotion there have been some truly phenomenal moments in our lives that we loved and savored... we need to take time to appreciate each and every one of those we encounter because we can't assume those moments and experiences will be unlimited.

I realized one night this past summer in the middle of the night... I'm responsible for finding and building my own inspirations and recharging   my energy from it. It's very easy to let it slip away with the endless routines we are sometimes tied to... We need to make time to find the people and the things that feed our mind and soul and give us our buzz back... or as my new tattoo says... "Keep The Vibe Alive"

There are so many things in the world right now that I'm worried about... I'm giving some of them the thought and reverence they deserve... but the others (the distractions) I'm putting on pause for the time being... worrying about them won't make them better or go away... but I'm not letting a lot of things that used to keep me awake at night  have any meaningful impact on my daily life and happiness... There are many, many things and people in life I've had to let go of... good and bad... but someone told me last year something that changed the way I feel about most of it  right now... "Let go or get dragged"

Now before I go to sleep at night... or if I wake up I remember and feel gratitude for the people and places I've loved... I'm happy that I'm finally the type of person who shows up when I need to...and remembers important things that matter to other people...and that I can freely give to most people without calculating the return in my head... with this I'm moving through my day with a certain kind of grace and style I did not have when I was younger... I was able to find this portal because I like to spend some of my time alone... not to escape but to come back to the parts of me that I risked losing in the noise of the world the way it is now.

I was reading through some of the other things I've written here recounting different periods of my life and thought about some of the impressions I've given. A big part of who I am now... is who I am not anymore... for my entire adult life people have seen me as either warm and friendly or cold and distant...some people have said I was quiet and reserved and others often said I was outgoing and ebullient...I realized that I have been all of this and still am... I'm still the same person...but some people have seen the two different sides of me depending on how they treated me. 

As the years have gone by and I've made my  circle of people smaller and more (I guess the best word is) exclusive. I learned something important about the people I let go along the way...None of the people who have tried to belittle or insult me live the kind of lives I admire... and that is enough closure for me... and maybe most importantly...I'm at the age that I don't need more of anything really... I need less of what really does not matter.

Since the start of this blog 16 years ago I said I was going to avoid bringing politics into my writing... I was wrong to say that... politics is part of each and every aspect or our lives every day and ignoring it or avoiding it won't make it better or go away...But I'm still going to try to focus on some of the more positive and joyful things in life.

One of the things I am most proud of in my life right now... as a  three time non-Trump voter... I was not duped... I was not conned...From the very beginning I knew he was classless and had the brain power of an amoeba  (I met he and his first wife in 1986 at a party)... I knew he was immoral without a drop of human decency... I've known all along he was abusive and a con artist and thief... what I did not know was that 77 million Americans were so fucking stupid.

This administration has destroyed so much and taken away so much... I'm not sure it's possible to put it back together again...But for those of us who do survive this particular voyage on the ship of fools we are going to have to ask if it's more realistic to start over and create hopefully a better world and system... for now...the things they can't take away are the what  we have learned and the people and ideas that will be forever alive in our hearts...and what every lesson has taught us up until now... or the dances we have already danced... we don't have to accept the way things are now... but we need to learn to work with them and deal with them.

Thank you for reading... I'm going to leave you with one more thing...

People come and go in our lives... but the person in the mirror will be there for the rest of our lives...be good to that person and love and respect that person... oh and one more thing... let's all stop worrying so much  because...

Please join me in October.

I'll be talking briefly about how I almost met Dolly...

and...

The Sounds Of Summer Voices

Not to be confused with the coming of age novel by Helen Tucker... about stringing together bits and pieces of information about you and your family and friends until something new and perhaps unexpected is revealed... I have not read it since it came out... I bought it at an airport shop for a flight based solely on the cover and the title... it's geared toward a younger audience...but it was a good read none the less. I remembered it when I was working on a title for this month for when we have the time to take a moment to reflect on the voices from past summers and experiences... Maybe sometimes it's more important to listen again extra carefully to our own voices from the past.

I'm going to back up a little to last month about reflections and echos... that is more or less what I'm talking about today. There are sights and sounds of summers that flash vividly in my memory... mostly songs but also people and events.

I would be lying if I said I don't have a favorite season (it's summer) but as for all the rest... I have a favorite feeling about all of them...But in summer it's the open windows and fresh air mixed with night blooming jasmine... and music playing while soft breezes make the curtains sway...The sunsets, stars and the sound of the ocean... and finding shade on a hot bright day... and the way the light through the trees dapples the scenery...the smell of suntan lotion or a bonfire at the beach and the sound of chirping crickets singing me to sleep... maybe most importantly I love the kind of tired that comes from fresh air and too much sun... there have been so many memories over the years from the sights and sounds of my summers... I was just thinking the other day... one of the perks of getting older is that we don't ever lose all the ages we have  been and most of the things that go along with it... we carry it with us as Ernest Hemingway told us... like a movable feast...

There are a lot of rough roads and detours on life journeys... but some of the most difficult tests we all faced usually resulted in strength and resilience... the life that each of us actually live and show up for everyday is what lead us to being able to enjoy life on a hopefully mostly carefree highway and the next bend in the road leading to the next adventure.

Many of the sounds of summer voices are songs in the playlists on my phone... I have several but some are favorites that evoke certain feeling and moods.

I have one called favorites... the truth of the matter is all these songs are my favorites... otherwise I would not be listening to them... but I love what happened to one of them once during a syncing episode or a system update I'm not  exactly sure... but a photo of me showed up on my Hawaiian music play list; it was taken on a fun summer day at the beach in Honolulu... I had a blast that day and think about it and the people when I see the image. Subsequently another sync or update had replaced it with something else...so I'm happy to have saved the  evidence as another example of the sounds of summer voices... For the. last couple months I've written about a particular song that helped define an important segment or chapter of my life... This month I'm going to talk briefly about "The Girl From Yesterday" by The Eagles...A few images in the song spoke to me immediately as I was hearing it for the first time... I've spent a lot of my life leaving and looking for the the right place where I was happy and fit in... I've come to terms with most of the people and places I left behind because... well...I have always loved the sound of me walking away from people and places that were not meant for me... or right for me or most importantly... where I did not belong in the first place... what you may or may not know about me is I used to be the kind of person who would stick around for longer than I should have and tolerated things that I did not deserve... so as a result because of that ... now when I'm gone... I'm gone forever. We all deserve to have a life where we are loved...not just liked, not lusted after, not settled for... but loved.

It's very important to fully understand that there are almost infinite reasons we are in situations or relationships with various people over the course of our life... some are a lesson and we are there for maybe a season or a specific reason... As difficult as it is to accept,  some of the people we loved the most were not meant to be part of the entire story and coming to terms and understanding  those endings is often painful.

Don't ever close your eyes or your mind to the fact that there are so many incredible  people, experiences and adventures just sometimes waiting for you to turn and say hello... or be responsive to people who turn and say hello to you.. OK quick story before I go on... I was on the subway a couple of days ago (I usually prefer to stand) and a very attractive young man gestured and offered me his seat... I smiled and thanked him but continued to stand  and got off at my stop and said to my other half " Do I really look that old and decrepit that people are now offering me a seat on public transit?"... and I guess it went over my head because I was overreacting... my other half said... "I think he wanted to flirt with you because he thought you were interesting and handsome."... Oh... OK I like that scenario better... I'm bringing it all up again because it's important to see the way things really are not just how we interpret them at the spur of the moment or relive them in our mind several years later.

So back to what I was saying... if you actually know me you would probably consider me someone with above average intelligence and having a sharp diagnostic  ability... but sometime I miss the signs and signals...  maybe I don't want to see them  I'm not sure... but someone recently reached out to me that a mutual friend of ours had died and I was told that he spent the last 30 something years of his life trying to mend a broken heart after I moved back to New York from London... I was flabbergasted... I never considered this person more than an acquaintance...so suddenly I was the person who walked away and never returned and subsequently broke someone's heart in the song "The Girl From Yesterday"... It's incredibly important to know that a lot of things in life get lost in translation between what we feel and what we say... Or as I've said in the pages here many times "Things can get lost between the shadow and the act."... had I understood all the crucial information of how this person felt about me I'm sure I would have been able to help them understand my feelings and actions and saved them thirty some years of sadness, tears and heartbreak... but maybe not because some people only want to know and see what they believe.... Always tell people how important they are to you and what they mean to you and why... This could have saved half a lifetime of  a lot of bottled up confused emotions... so now I am left with some lingering guilt that would not exist if the lines of communication had been open and honest...I've always felt that it's important  to let things end and begin again when they are supposed to, let yourself heal and let life unfold for the next chapter.. Deep in my heart I know I was not responsible for someone's misinterpretations but there is still unfortunately a degree of regret that I can't do anything about... I probably could have done some damage control if I had all the facts earlier... I showed someone the last photo of the two of us and my friend said..."Look at the way he is looking at you... it's so obvious that he is madly in love with you!"... I wish I had seen it...There is nothing left of all this... so I have to let it go... except now I will always remember the sights and sounds from that day the photo was taken that I had l long forgotten about.

There is nothing that can be done to change  past events and outcomes... But in the future it's important that we need to be fully aware of how we interpret the signs and situations. It's equally important that we are completely honest about our motives and actions that result from them... I think maybe a lot of us overthink the bad and negative things sometimes... so we need to train ourselves to overthink all the good things too and all the things that went right...zoom in on all the little things that make you happy... That's part of what I'm going to consider this summer while I'm recharging at the beach and writing the outline for what comes next.

I want to leave you with this...There is a word that only exists in the Greek language...Filotimo...Filortimo is a complex array of virtues that encompass honour, dignity, generosity, hospitality, compassion and much, much more...it's basically the essence of doing good in life... This is where I'm going to start with where life is going in the chapter I'm writing now and see where and who it leads to.

Some of the sounds of summer voices  should remind us that life is a collection of beautiful ordinary moments and some can be extrodinary...  I'l be be overthinking them as well while I'm at the beach

Or at the pool...

Or just on my way...

I'm still at a crossroad with everything happening in the world right now... but I was thinking about something that James Baldwin wrote..."People pay for what they do...and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become... and they pay for it very simply by the lives they lead."

I'm letting go of what I thought my life and the world were supposed to be right now...and appreciating me and it for what it is...My normal days are what a lot of people dream about... I'm going to start by being grateful for it every single day... For those of you who have been reading for a while... it's the two year anniversary of me donating a kidney... I just saw my nephrologist... and everything is going great... so there's  another thing to be thankful for... I've had to spend a lot of time recently in doctors waiting rooms and exam rooms alone with my thoughts and what I've come up with is that we stress too much about things and people during our one and only life... that could end at any given moment... we have to indulge in the extravagance of living... So in thinking about what's next and considering the possibilities available... I've come up with  that maybe the ending I'm am afraid of right now is simply the new beginning I need the most.

I've had to remind myself more than once what someone said to me a long, long time ago..."You worry way too much for someone who always figures things out."... probably one of the most important messages for me in reflecting and remembering the sounds of certain summer voices from the past.

... Have a wonderful summer... meet me back here in September... if you are so inclined read some of the past chapters again... I've had some new insights and appreciation for them in rereading a few.

Me ke aloha... BozB

Reflections & Echos

 

For some reason May has always marked the time of the year where we say good bye to winter and spring and start to welcome the start of summer... my favorite time of year.... 1 May is traditionally the celebrations of May Day around the world and in most cultures... in Hawaii we celebrate Lei Day! For me it's always represented a shift... a change and sometimes a new start.

Before I go on this month... I have to say...

I've lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis... the assassinations of JFK, RFK and MLK...The Vietnam War...and all the turmoil of 1968, Watergate, the Hostage Crisis, Two oil crisis, Reganomics,  9/11, Covid... but the last year and a half have been the most miserable era in America in my lifetime... the hatred, bigotry, lies, the racketeering  and pedophilia are beyond anything I ever expected the United States to accept and normalize... OK I got that off my chest and... I've honestly gotten to the point I have to get my news from more reliable sources other than mainstream media that are exacerbating the problem by spinning the lies.

I brought all this up because I've been looking back and how far we've come and at the hands of a few we are going so far backwards again... but I'll get back to all this later...

I said last month I would explain the marriage of the sun and the moon...it has a deeper meaning... it's when our heart and mind are joined as a result of the opposites in us  and the positive and negative fields are joined ... the union creates peace and harmony... we achieve balance and wholeness and enlightenment... I've always felt it was an ongoing process and not just something that magically happens once in a lifetime... for some reason May has always represented this to me... perhaps because someone on 1 May (a long time ago) explained the theory of the separations of mind, body and self are unnatural and we should seek unity... if you want to explore this there are books written in much more detail.

I wrote previously about favorite songs and lyrics... I have a lot... I've discussed Across The Universe and last month Pieces Of April also in the memory bouquet of music and memories are songs that evoke sadness and pain...one of those being Reflections Of My Life .... a song released in the UK in 1969 and the US in 1970... this song almost like no other brings back some echos and reflections of the past that I thought I had buried under a waterfall of tears... The song and the memories it started to create were at the height of the Vietnam War and all the problems everyone was dealing with at the time on a daily basis... for me in particular... someone I loved went to Vietnam... and we went up to Mulholland Drive on his last night before he left to look at the city lights and talk the life we had and kiss goodbye... and that song came on the radio and I burst into tears...

(something you need to know about me is up to that point in my life I had never burst into tears much less wept very often)...It was very difficult to listen to the song again... and on my way to the memorial service for my friend who died in Vietnam... the song came on the radio... and it started all over again...and I never listened to the song again until last week... If we are going to find any enlightenment or peace and happiness... we have to face our fears, and our sorrows and show gratitude for the good and happy aspects of our lives... so long story short (ish) I listened again... and cried again... and eventually the echos of the past and my reflections about the issues shifted finally.

Luckily I've outgrown the person I used to be...and from the experiences that followed after the memorial service in 1972 and everyplace I went I never forgot him but I grew into a person who is more aligned with what really matters and eventually became the person I always dreamed of being... Over the years I learned about patience... it's not the ability to wait... it's the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting... and someone pointed out to me the best way to find the  portal to the future is  "Don't trade your authenticity for approval... it's better to let some people dislike you" 

It was around the same time the same person told me about managing echos and reflections and making them work for us... In all of our everyday activities if we listen very carefully somewhere in the noise and sometimes in the silence we can hear the answer to a question or see insights from reflections of things we might normally pass by quickly... it does not always happen... but sometimes it's as simple as finding something familiar in something we have never seen or thought about before... and seeing a bridge that reflects in the glass instead of a wall in front of us...

Listen to the wind...

Listen to silence...

Listen to your heart... it always know the answer.

If you are ever unsure of what your heart is trying to tell you... if it's a choice between two things... flip a coin... it works because for those brief seconds the coin is in the air...you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

All of this may sound somewhat esoteric or maybe crazy to some people... but it's how I've found my way out of some dark times or when better times and people were looking for me... all this comes from sometimes doing things that scare you or simply saying no to what did not feel right... if you think about the sound you hear when you speak in an empty house... there is an echo... but it's not because the rooms are empty... it's because of your presence... and what speaks to us is from the memories we built there...Also it's really important to take notices of what light does... to everything at different times of the day or year in the course of your life... it's not really crazy... it's another way of looking at reality.

And so with everything that has happened in the world in the last couple of years...it's important to keep in mind happiness and joy are not things that are often freely bestowed on us just because we are cute or nice...we have to actively seek them... as unhappy as I've been recently because of where we are in the world now I've learned that happiness is a decision and a choice we have to make sometimes several times a day it's something that we have to earn... but joy does not have to be expensive...sunsets, music and laughter are all free. All we have to decide every day is what to do with the time that is given to us.

Something that Joan Didion said once... springs to mind whenever I need a kick in the pants

All that being said...It's important to always remember something all the way down to your toes every day for the rest of your life...If something feels off you no longer require hardcore proof to validate what  intuition is trying to tell you...if something feels off about a person, place of thing... then something is off and don't stick around to see what it is.. your time and energy are too valuable.

But on the upside... the one thing all of this has taught me that I was so slow to learn is now I've taken off the rose colored glasses I've been wearing my whole life in order to see the world how I wanted to see it... I think a lot of people do this who have a difficult time comprehending all the atrocities happening now... it's difficult to deal with at first... but there are a lot of people who revel in cruelty and it's important to face it and deal with it rather than ignoring it or wishing it was something else... there are a lot of weird bad vibes and animosity in the world now... understanding and not joining in is an important first step.

So where are we now?  I really don't have the definitive answer... If I did I would write it down and turn it into a book and make a fortune... but I think each and every one of us is at a crossroads now that if we want to succeed and find a positive future... now we have to be strong...and we only have two choices at the moment... sink or swim.

As we grow and evolve we find out the world and the people we were or that we used to know are gone...and we can keep the wonderful memories... but we have to move on.

We are entering a new season in our lives... we've outgrown the old one so what we have now does not fit or feel right and is in fact quite uncomfortable... I can feel the energy shifting... and the heaviness is staring to lift a little... and a little more hope is returning every day drop by drop...deep down I know we are moving in the right direction...The portal to the next level is facing the things we have tired to avoid in ourselves and the world... I only know this because a big part of who I am today is who I am not anymore.

If I can give one thing I hope you will take from all of this... You can't just hope for a happy ending...you have to believe in it... put in the work... and take the risks... The next move is going to matter more than the last mistake.

Since April  I've learned that the pain and sadness from the past  is not a prison ... but a lesson to be learned from leaning into the fear and sadness... and letting it go free...This year May Day for me is going to offer  the symbolism of the marriage of the sun and the moon giving us balance and the eternal promises of May Day...renewal... or a new beginning... I hear echos from the past and see reflections of the future... I can feel it coming... Let's not be afraid of the new story... we might like it better... If we are moving forward we can't have one foot in the past... we need to fully commit to a new future.

See you next month... get out and enjoy the sun and fresh air...

Oh and one more thing... I drove back up to Mulholland Drive about 20 years ago and thought about the night that became a major turning point in my life... and in the reflections of what I remembered from that night and the echos of the conversation; I marveled that I did eventually become the person he always knew I could be... one of my biggest regrets is he did not live to see it... but maybe I needed that ending to move forward... I wish I had the answer.

 
Thanks for reading.

Pieces Of April

I hope you enjoyed the last two segments...There is so much more I wanted to share about my adventures in Spain over the years; perhaps we can revisit that sometime in the not too distant future... 

There was a song in the early 70's written by Dave Loggins that he recorded and later the same year rearranged and recorded by Three Dog Night ( I like both versions) called 'Pieces Of April'... I've always loved the lyrics and the metaphors... Overall it symbolized the fleeting nature of love and life using the changing  seasons  as metaphors for emotional and spiritual growth... the significance of the title is the month of April and the memories... some people at the time interpreted it as loving a person named April. For me it was the month and love beginning in springtime and May highlights the passage of time...the memory bouquet to me signifies the beautiful moments and holding them together... the beauty of most music is that it allows each of us to interpret the meanings as they relate to our experiences and emotions... Dave Loggins who wrote the song explained in an interview that the song and lyrics were deep and personal after loosing the love of his life after spending three consecutive Aprils together before she left him forever... the song is remembered by most people as a love song but it's actually bittersweet reflections of the past. It's a very delicate ballad and to me it represents the beauty that remains after the sadness and regrets... and the task of moving on...the lyrics pop into my head from time to time... especially in April.

If you've never heard the song... Dave Loggins recored it on his 1972 debut album 'Personal Belongings' and was rearranged and recored by Three Dog Night the same year on the album 'Seven Separate Fools'.

Much like the differences in the perspectives of the two different recordings of the song...

...I love people who read between the lines...the ones who get deeper meaning that's in-between the shadow and the act... It's someone who can listen to a song and not just say they love it...but describe the meaning of what they heard and what it means to them... people like this don't come around often enough... cherish them when they show up in your life.

I'm bringing it all up because April has always symbolized... (at least to me) beginnings, freshness, growth, clarity, renewal  and the promise of brighter days ahead... and connecting or in many cases reconnecting and embracing the cycles of life... as with every new beginning in my life I've always tried to appreciate  what I've needed to let go of to move forward... and appreciate the tools and insights I have for the journey ahead. The spring has always reminded me it's also very important to appreciate the simple pleasures of life... and love.

As far as the song 'Pieces Of April' it's continued to be part of the soundtrack of my life on a few playlists... and it's evolved and I've found new meaning and understanding  over the years from love, loss and recovery. I've come to understand more on a deeper level in the arts and especially with music and books with time because of the various new experiences and life events that have helped me color and highlight each new interpretation... What more could you ask from a song or a book or life?

One of the things I've found in my journeys is it's extremely important to believe all the way down to your toes that everything is going to work out... for years I always thought it was better to prepare for the worst case scenario... and it took years of closing myself off from all the possibilities available...it's better and much more enjoyable to prepare for the best possible scenarios... you sometimes have to travel a lot of different dark highways to get there... whenever I'm afraid of the shadows I make my decisions with the concept at the back of my mind saying fear is fleeting... but regret is usually forever... I took skydiving lessons when I was 30 years old... and when it came time to actually jump out of the plane I was frozen with fear... and the instructor said... " I know you are afraid... but if you don't jump you'll regret it for the rest of your life"... and he was right and I continued to experience paralyzing fear until the parachute opened... and my cortisol levels returned to almost normal once my feet touched the ground again... I did a few more jumps and it got easier each time... due to life events and circumstances  I did not have the opportunity to sky dive again for about 10 years... someone gave me a jump for my 40th birthday... and he explained that If I did not let go of the fear that had been gripping me and pulling me down and holding me back from enjoying life again... I would never recover and again would regret it for the rest of my life... Life gives us tests... and we have to take that leap of faith again when we are ready... I was finally ready again... It's probably best to say yes if there is a chance you are going to regret not doing something for the rest of your life.

Always remember... if there are shadows then someplace nearby is the light... I learned to say yes to the possibilities... at the same time... but I have a very clear set of rules of when to say no...

If you are uncertain... it's a no.

If your instinct and/or intuition says no... it's a no.

If you don't feel safe... it's a no.

If you are not ready and need more time... it's a no.

If you are getting energy that feels off, fake, bad, forced, wrong or uncomfortable... it's a no.

If it feels weird and you can't understand why... it's a no.

Finally if you just don't want to... it's a no

The best part of navigating your life is you don't have to explain, apologize or defend your decisions...All that being said... we're left with a world full of wonderful  choices to say yes to. Our time is limited... so spend it satisfying your soul and not anyone else's expectation of what you need to do or be... spend your life and money on things and pursuits that bring you joy... I'm never again going to say I wasted a lot of time and money... because I did things I loved doing... a few of them were misguided choices... but there we are and you can't go back.

I got an interesting email from someone asking my advice of where to start when you have to start over... well the important thing is to stay focused on what you learned where you've been and what you need where you are going... for me it was as simple as being someone who has a life and lifestyle that I love... dressing well, taking care of myself... eating good food... exploring, traveling, trying new things and making memories... that was the start for me... Yours might be completely different... and it should be.

So don't stop for anyone who is not going to match your energy and only offers bare minimum and half-hearted vibes. Put intention  into curating your life and who you share your energy with... Go out there and start living, laughing and glowing and I'm certain you will find your tribe... don't let anybody ever drag you backwards. It's OK to look back and to look forward... but always be present in the moment. Twenty years from now you would probably  kill to have the health, energy and time you have now... go make the best of it.

I mentioned something previously that books and music give us new or at least updated insight with time..Old songs, books and movies hit harder when we are no longer the people we used to be... I read something when I was on a long flight to and from  here and there in 2007 and reread it again last summer... it was like reading a whole new book because I understood it differently... It's sometimes important to revisit the past... because in rereading the book it brought back something that was happening at the time and going back over it with a new and improved emotional skill set it  triggered the answer to something that I could not really grasp all the meanings and figure out the consequenses at the time... Of course it did not change anything but sometimes eventually understanding some of the nuances of certain things that people said or did can be a gift and like most other instances of issues like this... I made the best possible choices available to me at the time ...As I said it did not change anything other  than how I now feel about a few people I used to consider friends (and in one case friends-ish)... however it brought about   some long awaited closure of some of the important issues as well as a few trivialities that finally have been  laid to rest forever... I either did not know how to deal with them at the time or did not want to face some of the harsh issues.

From that whole scenario I don't wish anyone misfortune... I hope that they will eventually  experience some reflection and will have some internal accountability for what they did and said...  and understand who they once were to me and all the other people involved and why I've had to move on from them forever... and I hope it's extremely emotionally  painful. (sorry I'm not perfect) I just hope eventually everyone involved gets a heaping spoonful of everything they've served to me and to others.

From that and from many of the other chapters in my life...In thinking it all over... some (but not all) of the important issues of the events that transpired (most of which I have not written about)... but specifically  how I lived and how some of the people lived and eventually died... it's a good thing that many of the things eventually worked out  the way that they did. 

Personally...April is a time of celebrating another trip around the sun... and it's also the month I have a complete physical... and visit the dermatologist and make sure my birthday suit is good shape (should have paid attention when sunscreen advice was being handed out)... Over the years in all the time I've waited to see doctors and whatnot changing into and out of medical garb with opening in the back... I've spent some time thinking about love, loss and what I was wearing (or not wearing) I may write about that soon... Medical visits are somewhat dramatic and pensive for me because I can't help but feel that we are all just one accident, one diagnosis or unexpected phone call from a completely different life... so it's important to stay true to ourselves and not take anything for granted... all while hoping for the best.

In the years I've been curating my life... the exhibit, theme and even the tempo and some of the the music has changed as I've evolved... the costumes certainly have... Now I want a simple life... but a very aesthetic simple life. Decide who you want to be and what your want... and live your life according to that plan.

These are some of the things I'll always be down for...

Road trips

Dinner for breakfast

Great coffee (or wine depending on the time of day) and scintillating  conversation

Music 

Shopping

Naps

Sex

Food

One of the guiding principles for me in curating my life has also been aesthetically simple...

As we head into April we are leaving behind winter and releasing outdated expectations and versions of ourselves... embracing who we really are and what we want to be... it's your life... make it a masterpiece... but always keep in the back of your mind... there is a future version of you begging you to enjoy and appreciate the life you have and the person you are right now.

Books, and songs and poetry and art are like love... they don't have to rhyme or shine... they just need to touch us or someone where our hands can't reach... and songs and stories are open to many interpretations... and it will all depend on our experiences and the viewpoint we bring in trying to understand them.

So take all the pieces of April that you need for May and beyond... but leave some pieces of yourself for someone else to find who might need them.

Swim in the sea... count the stars... find your true self... be free... whatever you do and wherever you go... keep the part of you that finds delight in flirting and laughter and discovery and making life an adventure without an actual destination. Don't be afraid to shine or believing in miracles... but knowing what you need to do to make miracles a reality and don't lose the ability to find beauty in ordinary situations and things... just keep dreaming your dreams and planning your plans... 

You have no idea how many times I've wanted to say this to someone I used to know....

So stop and take a moment to appreciate  how far you've come and how much you have grown having learned from some fairly difficult situations and life lessons. You have every reason to be proud and celebrate how far you've already travelled... If you are still unsure of the direction to take...go where you don't need to hide who you really are or embellish what you have achieved or earned...this is really what living your best life actually is... There is an interesting paradox to living your best life... it's when you can fully and unapologeticly  accept yourself... then you can change and explore new horizons.

What I'll add is that the real flex right now is staying kind in a world that keeps growing more cruel... And finally... the truth is... I'm not everything I want to be yet... but I'm a lot of the things I wanted to be five years ago, and there is a wonderful feeling in that if you take the time to appreciate yourself... And to sum up the situation and events that occurred several years ago and the fallout that continued for several more years...a lot of things happened and a couple of really (I found out too late) horrible people tried to fuck me over and make things worse...but even with all the chaos... I had a strong sense of who I am and the drive to get  where I wanted to go from there to find the path to here... From all of it... surrounding myself with the right people and not letting  negativity and fear get the better of me have been the most important keys to my success and happiness. There is so much negativity in the world right now it's easy to get lost in it... I'm going to dwell in the beauty of life and living and look up at the stars and dream again about the marriage of the sun and the moon. (I'll explain that next month)

Authenticity is freedom...It saves you from pretending... which will eventually  exhaust you. It ensures that that love you receive is real. Be yourself and the person or people you are looking for... will find you... and when they do, they'll love the real you. 

Meanwhile I hope you will join me again here next month as we step into a new season with pieces of April...in a morning in May.