Borrowed Time

 

Every 10 years or so I have a new favorite television program... right now it's "Only Murders In The Building" It's brilliantly written and acted and overall wildly entertaining... but above all that it's breaking the norms of ageism in television programing. The script allows characters to be older and vibrant and witty and charming with cross-generation relationships and common ground... and that is what made me fall in love with it in the first place... In addition... the guest stars each season are out of this world amazing... it's a load of fun and I have enjoyed each episode equally... I'm going to be sorry when it ends... but everything has to end for there to be new beginnings and new favorites.

There was a dialogue in the first or second season  when one of the characters said "People fall into three categories for me, living, dead and dead to me."... it really struck a chord; but I included "people I no longer speak to" there are a lot of reasons I don't speak to certain people from... they crossed the line with issues like lies, disrespect to simply too many trips down crazy lane with a final stop at Drama Central... to sometimes more complicated scenarios that their spouse or children are assholes and I'm not going to put them in the middle of the crossfire... because I'm walking away and writing all of them out of my story with only occasional  vague obscure references... it's easier and less painful for everyone involved.It in no way means I don't think or care about them (a handful fall into that category though). There are a few people not speaking to me because they owe me an apology. I can forgive many mistakes except abuse, brutality and manipulation and hate because a lifetime pattern of them are not a mistake. Me losing respect for someone is worse than being mad at them; disrespect can close doors that apologies can never reopen. The only thing you can do about awful people is not become one of them.

 Sometimes out of the blue on an ordinary sunny Saturday afternoon the the telephone rings and you learn that one of the people married to an asshole are at their end of life issues and want to say goodbye. So me being me... I called to say goodbye and let them know very simply that my absence and distance and silence had mostly nothing to do with them personally and that I was sorry for any pain and/or remorse... I was hoping that they understood in the end it was simply because they were married to an asshole without me having to actually say it... I think people married to assholes know exactly who they are married to and stay for a laundry list of reasons especially in old age. In this case she was so misguided in living her one and only life I felt a familiar sadness similar to other people I have known in the same living and dying situations... I hope she had some comforts and clarity with her life and death at the end. 

As I'm writing this it marks two years to the day since I experienced a devastating loss that I know I will never be over or it will ever be OK again somehow... but I guess it's not supposed to when someone matters right down to your very core... on top of that 2022 saw the death of two other important people that I still mourn and think about often... and I found out that three other people that I didn't speak with anymore had also died... I was sorry to hear about their deaths and the details (or at least two of them)... and realize that their immediate family and loved ones are dealing with the same level of sadness and profound loss without them. One of the most difficult things in life is finding someone you can't live without... and then living without them. Remember that life is not meant to be easy... it's meant to be memorable and those joyful memorable moments were sometimes found as a result of the most difficult times.

I take some comfort with the knowledge that someone or something is never lost really, things and people all eventually are gone, but if they mattered and they touched you they are still inside you... the only people and things you never loose are the the ones you keep inside your heart...Happiness exists in shared moments and connections that are flashes across your time continuum. Your relationship with family, friends and loved ones is always going to be very complicated... but deep down there is something that can never be lost or taken away... that being said you need to always give priority to self care especially if you are healing from a hurt or trauma that nobody ever apologized for or acknowledged. There is a Japanese legend that says "If you get on the wrong train get off at the next station, the longer it takes you to get off the more expensive the return trip will be."

The one big take away in my rambling thoughts in the last few weeks  is that mourning and the (if you can call it etiquette) rituals that go with it have been diluted over the years. There are several that are cultural and/or religious... For me the most important one I follow for the closest people in my life is I take an entire year to reflect on their life and what we meant to each other through each season and holiday and special event... I don't make any big life changes or decisions or major purchases during this time. (sometimes not always possible)... in addition for the first month I don't socialize under any circumstances. It's a quiet mourning time spent at home and not out and about celebrating anything... it's very important during this time to visit the past but resist the temptation to live there. If in reliving some of life's memories you happen to cringe at what you have said or done in the past... it's actually a good thing, it means you've grown. I heard someone say once... "certain people were not meant to evolve... they are here to show what it looks like if you don't."

Today, most people will wear black to a funeral, but then go back to their regular clothing. There is a culturally talked about mourning period –– that of the stages of grief –– which was first published in the 1960s. However, those stages have since been proven inaccurate, both by researchers and by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross herself, who before her death said the stages of grief were for the dying, not for the mourning.

Clothing for periods of mourning can vary depending on the time period, the relationship to the deceased, and the stage of mourning:

Black is the traditional color of mourning for immediate family members, but white is also popular in some cultures. Other colors include purple, lilac, and gray. Red is generally considered taboo for 9–40 days after a death.

I once went to a memorial service that the deceased insisted that no one wear black.. I'm sort of old fashioned about paying my respects and reverence... I wore navy blue.Today, people may wear something special to a funeral to show respect for the deceased. This could mean wearing a color or pattern that was meaningful to the loved one, or wearing your "Sunday best"

You need to make the necessary changes to move forward with life. I wrote here once in the early 80's I was so devastated by death and loss I could barely get out of bed and face the world... I learned from that experience that time is a gift and you can't let grief swallow you. And make the adjustments you need to make in order to acknowledge your feelings and don't try to run away from them... and maybe most importantly I had to learn to have a very flexible definition  of what it means to be OK... until I found my way again... and finally being sad it better than being dead... with work you can find your way out of sadness.

Quick little story about one of the people I don't talk to anymore (who is actually dead to me for a handful of reasons) once after a year leading up to a horrible traumatic death of someone I loved he suggested I take Klonipin or Prozac or  Zoloft;  I don't really remember... so that I would not be sad anymore and "snap out of it" I was so angry with this suggestion I could have killed him with my bare hands... instead I simply told him to "Fuck Off" and went my way...it's important to live your feelings and find your way out of grief without drugs and/or alcohol and stupid insensitive people. One of things I always advocate is cutting toxic ties... with that you are able to break old habits with the added benefit of sometimes long awaited closure... but eventually you bounce back stronger than before. When you step into an ending and give it the reverence it deserves you can open a portal to a new but different beginning about to unfold. To start... unfollow the chaos, unsubscribe from the circus, take back your thoughts so that eventually you can take back your joy. Happiness does not come into your life with fanfare... The most beautiful things, those that give you true happiness, come on tiptoe, quietly, and wait for you to notice them... 

I really feel like the last couple years has been one big turning point after another... So many things ended permanently and certain people are gone and these chapters of my life are closed for good... Now I'm at the point that I'm moving away from fear, uncertainty and doubt... it's important to always remember  that feeling sad after making the best possible decision does not mean it was not the right decision... Grief is not the end; it's merely a pause in the story of life. It's recollecting with tears and smiling through the sorrow. And so, we move forward, paying tribute to the past while welcoming the future and embracing the love and the pain equally. One of the best things that come from really difficult times in your life is that you get to see everyones true colors and who they actually are... It's better to admit that you walked through the wrong door than spend your life in the wrong room.

Years go by with the blink of an eye... the most important lesson I've learned is that we are all living on borrowed time so it's important to surround yourself with the people who choose you, and let go of those who don't... and then go places and do things... do whatever you can afford... maybe go out on a limb or two sometimes and see the world... and don't take everything so seriously all the time... except when you absolutely have to.

to new beginnings:

you can close this chapter

of your life and never look back

or you can flip through the pages, revisit old memories,

reflect on how different you once were.

that's the magic of

writing your own story–

you'll meet new characters,

travel to new places,

face new obstacles,

and the best part:

deciding how to overcome them

and then realizing

you can.

Sidney Poitier 

December started with me wishing I had a river I could skate away on...So I want to start 2025 with a clean slate...This year I'm going to treat 1 January like Season 1, Episode 1.

Meanwhile... Mele Kalikimaka!

My letter to Santa this year is...

Dear Santa,

I already have everything and everyone I could possibly wish for this year... Please take care of those who need you the most. Thank you XXXOOO

I hope you will join me again in January... I may have big news... or just news.