I talked a little bit about our memories in Nothing Is Lost If You Can Remember...
and again last week but now I'm going to walk down a different corridor with it today and look at our memories from a different angle...
How is your memory? Mine is phenomenal... I can remember vividly a situation when I was three years old down to what I was wearing, how my hair was parted, the scent of other people and my emotions... but this was a highly charged moment and a turning point in my life... I have strong vivid memories of most of my life but certain pages were fragments and some of the story was blocked because I refused to think about some of the issues and deal with them and the aftermath for quite a few years... I only recently took those dusty pages down to read again so I could remember and put the missing pieces back together again because I overhead something in a crowd that more or less boiled down to "facing the truth will set you free".... but more about all of this later.
Like almost everyone of a certain age... my memory and some details started to be a bit sluggish so I decided about a few years ago to take steps to keep my mind and memory as sharp as possible... in addition to doing crossword puzzles and playing cards I started a little exercise that I read about on-line--- I started writing down the names of people and events at different stages of my life from young childhood to age 10, then from age 10-20 and age 20-30 etc until you reach your life and the events happening now. (you need a notebook and you have to divide it into the sections of your life) it becomes very clear very quickly what points in your life and which people made the biggest impression on you and what was important and why.... what takes some time is as certain memories trigger other memories some of the cobwebs fall away and you start to remember other events and people that you forgot about and what was important about them and the lessons you learn by remembering other aspects of life that were forgotten to time... as I said last week I think it's important to live in the here and now and not dwell on the past but certain issues of memories intwined in our past are the touchstones of who we have become so I think it's important to appreciate and understand them as best we can... I also have cherished memories of people and events that are wonderful to revisit... it's often how I lull myself to sleep... but I think it's wise to review the day you are ending and anticipate and plan the day to come first.
I have remembered and learned quite a bit from this exercise to the point where I could write a biography of my life and give you detailed accounts of who and what I was involved with as well as what I was wearing... but I don't really even want to try to compete with "Love, Loss, and what I Wore" by Ilene Beckerman.
For anyone who has studied theatre or been on the stage you will remember reading the concepts of method acting by Constantin Stanislavski on focusing emotional memory to fully understand and convey a character... what he was basically saying is you can not use anyone else's feelings or made up feelings... they have to come from you. His work and writings have been widely interpreted and further developed by many including Stella Adler and Lee Strasberg.... for me it meant trusting my memories and emotions... Even If you have never heard of Mr. Stanislavski and his work you have most likely heard one of his most famous and often used quotes... "There are no small roles... only small actors!" For me and what I have taken from study and work in the theatre is...
These words have been in the back of my mind during every audition, rehearsal and performance of my life...
There are a lot of miles to travel emotionally in allowing yourself the luxury of a truthful memory... I denied myself some of life's rewards by shutting out a chapter or two of my life and hiding the book and refusing to understand it and the important life lessons in facing those memories... something truly horrible happened to me when I was about 10 years old and I repressed those memories and all of my feelings about it; nothing was forgotten I just put it away and refused to look at it and deal with it... but something happened during my memory book work that triggered another memory associated with the events and I had to make the painful decision to tackle what had kept me paralyzed with fear and subsequently anger and in the end robbed me of what was left of an innocent childhood. I have in the last year had a long and sometimes painful battle dealing with the tears and anger and bitterness over what happened and did not happen in the time that followed... I have more or less sorted it all out and dealt with it and have moved on finally... but I leaned something important last week... since drudging all this up I have carried a heavy grudge and so much anger and hate around with me I'm surprised I did not poison myself with it... maybe I did a little and maybe it was always there subconsciously. One of the final ways I dealt with all of this was I wrote it all down... the events and the people involved and then I read it aloud then I burned it and threw the ashes and dust in the river and let it blow away in the wind and wash down stream. I still have the memory but it's not a controlling or crippling factor in my life anymore... nor are the people involved or my feelings for them.
I looked at my memory notebook this past week and looked at the pain as well as all the gain and realized that the tragedies and triumphs that have been factors in my life have worked together in tandem to make me who I am... and it really has been a wonderful life but now I am at a new chapter of a new book... At one point I did not think I could face dealing with this part of my past but now realize it's what shaped the present and will subsequently influence the future so I am going to embrace all memories and eschew any grudges, hatred or bitterness... Which brings me to my final quote by Mr. Stanislavski and what I think might be the most important for me in the theatre and in life... "Create your own method, Don't depend slavishly on mine. Make up something that will work for you! But keep breaking traditions, I beg you."
I recently started reading Marilu Henner's book Total Memory Makeover (I'm only about 1/4 of the way through but I can't recommend it highly enough) and while I don't have her extraordinary gift of Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory, I do have a superb memory and I'm going to put it to the best possible use... I'm going to take my memories and hang them out to dry and breathe some fresh life and insight into them instead of allowing some of them to be the emotional baggage it became all packed away.
I think it's terribly important to understand that with everything we take with us in life to move on... it's equally important to leave something behind.
Next week I'll be talking about... cooking!
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