Arrivals And Departures

It's that time of year! ... December is a chapter of beginnings and endings... or arrivals and departures... It can also be a time of delays...and/or cancellations...

I've probably spent the majority of my winter holidays in Honolulu...except when I was working for Pan Am... I spent the majority of the month of December in far flung places around the world as it's probably the busiest travel month from Thanksgiving until just after New Year's. When I was not living in Honolulu I was fairly savvy about getting home for the holidays... way back when (especially traveling on an airline non-revenue pass) you had to learn the system to know the best days to travel to insure you had a seat or at least a jumpseat... that being said things didn't always go as planned... especially if you were traveling through or from a place that winter weather can interfere with the best laid travel plans even if you paid for a full price ticket... this is where you need your contingency plan... but I'll get back to this...

Before I go on I want to address something that is not discussed enough in my opinion... I am someone who has always said and will always say "Happy Holidays" unless I know for certain your religious beliefs and what Christmas or why any particular holiday is significant to you. I don't say it to generalize the winter holidays because I'm trying to be politically correct or disrespectful... I do it because from 20, November until 24, January there are at least 14 different religious holidays. So when someone says 'Happy Holidays"... just say "Thank you"... because not everyone knows what you believe in... to me it's simply respect and not a war on Christmas. Little story... I'm one of the few people that still send cards through the post ... one year I actually had someone call me on the telephone to say don't send me a card unless  it says "CHRISTMAS" ... I said something to the effect of I would never let it happen again... And... I never sent this person a card again... I have a rather clever way around  all of this since most of my winter holidays were in Hawaii... so I send cards printed with and say to people " Mele Kalikimaka"

Most of my holidays traditions have roots that are from Hawaii and the rest are from London because of the time I've spent there with family and friends in both places...The rest of them I've picked up like souvenirs in my travels... one of the most wonderful things about life and particularly during the holidays is that we can make new traditions that fit with who we are and the people we are with and where we are and we can let go of the outdated ones that are either worn out or don't fit anymore... sometimes it's as simple as some of the people who were significant to the tradition are not in the story now.

Now about those cancellations and delays... I learned really early in the life you need to put on your big boy pants and lose the attitude and be grown up enough to find a solution to problems and deal with the issues in a mature forthright manner....all of this has helped tremendously  during the sometimes mayhem of traveling (especially during the holidays)...but sometimes the best thing you can do is go to the airport lounge and order a drink and eat a bag of popcorn and let the problem unravel itself.

I want to start with... and my dear readers I hope you already know this... Travel can be filled with drama fraught with loss, frustration and miscommunications... so don't snap at the airline employees...(the things I've heard screamed at gate agents and cabin crew would curl your hair)... they want to get you to your destination almost as much as you want to be there... screaming at someone won't make the snow stop or whatever it is that's delayed or cancelled your trip...please remember that they would most likely love to be home with their family and loved ones too... The best way to deal with travel limbo  is  first of all you have a decent sense of humor... be flexible, patient... slow down, take a deep breath and measure your thoughts and words with positivity... I'm not sugarcoating this... who would you rather deal with? A screaming maniac... or a calm, thoughtful person trying to make the best of a difficult situation. During stressful times it's really important to share calmness and professionalism  instead of chaos and insults.

I will pass on a few gems that are still true in terms of booking a flight...

For Domestic Flights... book it at least a month ahead of time.

International Flights... buy the ticket at least two months before you want to travel. (If you are really, really flexible in terms of when you leave and when you return... I've gotten some fantastic last minute deals on flights for aircraft that they are trying to fill up a few days before the scheduled departure)

Holiday Flights...

45 days before a Thanksgiving trip.

60 days before a Christmas trip.

Summer flights... the winter before... the earlier the better.

The most inexpensive days to fly are Tuesday and Wednesday for domestic flights and Thursday for international trips.

I've spent the holidays snowed it at  airport hotels (if we had a fun crew we threw a great holiday party) and when rooms were not available... sleeping in the terminal or crew lounge... Once stranded in Brazil because of a mechanical problem with the aircraft... one of the ground crew was delivering gifts to an orphanage... so we all became impromptu elves and helped. One of the best delays was being stranded in Fiji for a few days until a replacement aircraft could arrive and we could resume our trip to Australia... most of my airline work related holidays were spent at 45,000 feet serving holiday cheer to the people who realized that flying on the actual holiday was one of the easiest and least stressful days of the year to fly... I'm not to sure that's true anymore... it seems like all the flights are oversold and full to capacity every day... but sometimes one of the benefits was crossing the international dateline and celebrating the holiday twice.

One of my early lessons in the travel industry particularly during the month of December... you really need to appreciate and enjoy the space and experience of where you are at any given moment in the travel time line continuum until you reach your final destination...It's an added bonus to be traveling with someone you love for support and camaraderie... and it helps to have snacks, a great playlist, a good book, and your airport outfit (Mine varies depending on the time of year and where I'm going) I've said a few times what you are wearing and your attitude can be the difference between an upgrade to first class enjoying Champagne and caviar... or sitting in a middle seat in the back of the plane close to the lavatory next to a screaming infant. 

Sean Duffy the Transportation Secretary ruffled a few feathers recently when he suggested people try to dress more appropriately on a flight... I never needed this advice... what I wear on a plane typically is part of what I'll be wearing when I get where I'm going (and since I never wear pajamas... ever... I never considered them as travel attire) ...I usually try to have carry on only... so what I'm wearing needs to work with all the clothing in the carry on bag... if I  actually do check the bag and it's lost or misdirected... what I'm wearing needs to get me through until my bag is found or the items replaced...Here is a sample of what I have had for my airport travel ensembles...

If you are brave enough to wear white on a flight... steer clear of anything that could permanently stain in the event of unexpected turbulence.

I wrote previously that I don't make New Year's resolutions... per se... I make affirmations and considerations throughout the year and I dust them off around this time every year and make updates as necessary... some include...

• I don't overshare... I've found a little mystery is a very powerful tool.
• I don't explain my standards to people and I don't lower them.
• I'm not always available... I need down time and scarcity can be alluring and another powerful tool.
• I don't chase anyone or force anything or beg... that means it's not mutual.
• I don't seek validation  or accept disrespect from others.
• I don't gossip because it's passive aggressive hostility.
• I don't brag or boast about my accomplishments or plans or waste time pretending to be something I'm not in order to fit in... I've never understood jealousy... I don't want to be you and why on earth would you want to be me when you get to be you.

But what I will do is...

• Knowing what I  can and can not do and where I can make a difference.
• Take all the necessary steps to keep learning and be smarter and better informed where it matters.
• I will focus on the perfect or near perfect moments in life and  ignore nonsense.
• Understanding the importance of time and making the best use of it.
• Pay close attention to my ideas, dreams and the vision I have for future me...
• Maybe most importantly I'm very protective of my peace of mind and privacy... anyone who brings bad or wrong energy loses access to me immediately.

Whether it's the goals you set for your life or the resolutions you make to achieve them... If you want great things in life... you have to set big goals... and big goals take big discipline...and quiet consistent work.

I wrote a couple of months ago that I don't want to be a part of the the world that has discontinued respect and kindness... there is way, way too much hatred and division now... There has just been so much loss lately, and overwhelming  cruelty that it's actually becoming normalized... so right now it's more important than ever to stay anchored in decency and positivity. We are here for such a short time, and all of us are sometimes guilty of casual cruelty, sniping, bitching. Hold on to every moment with care. Hold yourself and your thoughts  to the highest possible standard... That being said... I'm not tolerating cruelty, condescension  or bulling of any sort... whoever said "Be the bigger person and take the high road" was full of shit... my bigness is not measured by my capacity to quietly absorb insults, degradation or abuse... but one thing I've learned along the way... in order to actually really insult me... I have to actually have some respect for someone and actually value their opinions... and... I'm a big believer in karma in that... down to my toes and deep in my heart I believe that eventually everyone gets to eat everything they have served to others.

 

Remember as you go through your day... you don't know who might be fighting a silent battle who is completely worn out and exhausted from pretending everything is OK... and might be holding themselves together by a very fragile thread that's ready to snap... The kindness you extend might be the only soft moment in someones day...it could be the one and only thing that reminds them that the world still cares and is not completely broken or dysfunctional... It's really important to remember that a lot of people are struggling with the reality they are living in and don't know the way out of it.

I've had some outstanding holidays... but as I'm writing this I am remembering spending one December dealing with overwhelming grief in the hospital and much of the following New Year in physical therapy... so I keep the magnificent memories close to my heart and give the unpleasant times the reverence and respect they deserve and I don't dwell on them as I rarely ever discuss them... I am so thankful I've recovered and I've found myself and a life away from them.

You need to remember to always extend that same kindness you give others to yourself as well...We all have issues because we have a history and backstory... and no matter how far you have come and all the work you have done on yourself... sometimes we take a step back or get pushed sideways... your growth and happiness is a song and a dance you have to practice every day to get right... be easy on yourself when you need to be. If you make no other resolutions around the new year... make this one... Always keep promises that you make... especially the ones to yourself... those are the promises that are sometimes the easiest to brush aside unless you make a habit of    prioritizing them... because keeping the promises you make to yourself... will change your life.

Every year in December I try to write something affirming and positive here... the world is really difficult right now...More than any other year it's time to believe again... especially believing in yourself and giving yourself the luxury to dream again... the past is over and the future is still uncertain; dwelling on the past and worrying  about the future won't accomplish  anything... live in the moment... take back your power and your happiness... and if you can... try to be the light and energy for someone else who needs your kind magic right now. 

Remember that happiness is always about the discovery, the hope, the listening to your heart and following it wherever it chooses to go. Happiness is always about being kinder to yourself, it is always about embracing the person you are becoming. Happiness is always about learning how to live with yourself. Remember that happiness is never in the hands of other people. It is always about you. It will always be about you and the type of person you are.

So in terms of the other people in your life... at the end of the day if someone cares about you they care about their actions and how they make you feel... that's all you need to really know about people and if you want them in your life... make sure your actions and words reflect  in a way that other people want you to stay in their story...remember that there are many reasons beyond words and actions why people won't make it to the end of the story...I'm lucky because there are a handful of people I have a corner turned down on their page because it was one of my favorites... and don't want to forget them or the moments.

So I hope your holidays are magical and joyful and full of love, friendship, laughter and everything you want them to be... if they start to fall short of your expectations... remember you have the power to turn your thoughts, wishes and dreams into reality... not always easy... but good things are worth time and trouble... Sometimes you just need to start with a foundation and build on it...So fall in love with your life...eat your favorite foods and spend time with yourself and/or your favorite people and make a plan that includes all the things that make you happy.

It's really important to know when to leave or stay... whether it's a job, a party or a relationship... I once ran away from a very unhappy life on 20, December...There was no other way to move forward so... So I quit my job...I picked up my bags, left a note and walked out of the house and went to the airport and never looked back. I wrote previously... no one can break up a happy home and no one ever runs away from one... remember that in all your words, actions and decisions.

In my emotional journey away from an unhappy life I learned that too often we depend on others to love us and treat us the way we should love and treat ourselves. All of us have navigated a rollercoaster of ups and downs in the past and may have been forced into a role requiring us to wait in the wings but... let's make a bold move to center stage this coming year and take the bows and curtain calls we have been dreaming of and preparing for. This year I'm advocating unyielding courage and strength to embrace life fully and unapologetically.

Sometimes delays and cancellations are a blessing in disguise to give us a chance to revise and improve  the itinerary... Eventually we always get where we either want or need to be... Once... trying to get to Hawaii from London... I went through New York, Chicago, Salt Lake City, Portland and Anchorage and then to San Francisco and Los Angeles before I finally got to Honolulu... there were delays, miscommunications, cancellations, bad weather, lost luggage and a fairly serious medical emergency on a flight that necessitated turning back... but I met some amazing people and had unforgettable  life affirming experiences in those five days ... and their part of the story is where I have the page corner folded on that chapter... It was an amazing trip and I never forgotten them and the lessons I learned along the way.

If you are traveling this holiday... I wish you priority boarding, no delays, clear skies and happy landings.

Every year during the holidays as I'm reviewing the year and the years that led up to this one I say something silently to myself that boils down to...There are faces and voices and sights, sounds and tastes and conversations that I will always remember and will always miss what they brought to life and the table from all the past holidays... most everything they represented is still here inside me and many are part of the traditions of the seasons that were carried forward and others are part of the new traditions that are forged from the memories.

Before December ends and the New Year begins... It's important for me to try and tie up any loose ends, unresolved issues and mixed signals and not carry them into the start of a new year... I also give the house a through cleaning, wash any soiled laundry and clear away any negativity and tensions from my life by reviewing and reflecting and making plans (resolutions if you want to call them that) for the coming year... Decluttering for the future is seriously underrated. 

Hope you will join me again next month... 

Mele Kalikimaka!

A Match To The Heart

So here we are at November already... I took some time to reread some of the things I've already written over the years and made some notes about what I want to address in 2026... and now with the seasons changing I think it's important that we remind ourselves that no amount of regret will change the past... and no amount of anxiety will change the future.

Of everything I have written here previously and some of the notes I made about them I've come up with something fairly concise to recap most of it... All of us are the sum total of everything we have ever seen, heard, tasted, smelled, learned and forgotten. It's all there for us... because of this gift we have all been given... I try to make sure my experiences and eventual memories and what I share here... I want to be as positive as possible... maybe most importantly I've learned that nothing is meant to last forever, but if we're lucky it will mean something forever.

I said something a couple of months ago that I've had more than just a little feedback from people who actually know me... I said don't be afraid anymore of anyone or anything... I was speaking more in terms of actual people and their threats... and  of where we are in the world now in terms of being on the brink (we are not on the brink anymore) of fascism and dictatorship and it's impact on our freedom... and the uncertainties that this toxic brew brings into each and every one of our every day lives that will likely impact our health and quality of life and living in general in the days to come.

I grew up with a  narcissistic    tyrant and spent the early part of my life tiptoeing around him in fear and dread... but life got better if you've been reading along... However it was pointed out to me by a few people that I do have two rather specific fears and/or phobias... Lightening (fear of being struck) and dark, cold, deep water... (fear of drowning) and I'm an excellent swimmer... but twice in my life I almost drowned. 

I'm very respectful of storms and in particular electrical storms... I'm much more comfortable  being inside looking out on a storm... but I was once on the open water in a sail boat during a storm... and another time on a golf course racing to get back to safety in a golf cart when I saw a tree get obliterated by lightening...I've learned  how to deal with these fears (more or less) with a relatively healthy approach of respecting the power in the sky and atmosphere and  the open sea with nothing in sight by keeping my distance... in that... I'm not a very avid sailor anymore since the lightening incident on Lake Michigan... and I've never been crazy about cruises... for a laundry list of reasons... from the drinking water to the other passengers and etc... etc... etc...The cruises I did love though  were a Nile cruise... and another on the Mekong river... where I got one of the best suntans of my life... I suppose river cruising does not intimidate me to the degree of hitting an iceberg in the North Atlantic or getting capsized by a rogue wave... and the other people on both of these voyages were pretty outstanding.

I'm getting a little off the subject... but suffice to say it's as important to admit your fears as a way of facing them and conquering your insecurities...  or at least taming your fear to a livable non debilitating degree.

In thinking about my fears... about 30'ish years ago I read a book titled " A Match To The Heart" by Gretel Ehrlich... the book details her near death experience of being struck by lightening and her two year path toward recovery from physical and mental trauma... with her cardiologist and her faithful dogs who were responsible in in many ways for saving her life... she explores life and near death, rebirth and the resilience it takes to survive...with western medicine and eastern Tibetan Buddhist concepts of the body and human spirit and nature working in harmony... I'm really ready for a reread but I'll have to look for another copy... (this book and Perdido are the reasons I don't loan hard back books to anyone anymore)... one of the things from the book that comes back to me from time to time is that during recovery there were a handful of incidents involving fire and electricity... and she questions that since the accident fire seems to be following her... and  she is asked to consider that perhaps since the accident... she is following fire... it put a few things in my own life into perspective for me since I read it. In her quest to understand the effects it has had on her mind, body and soul she learns some life affirming techniques on balancing being weak and strong and all the experiences she embraces for healing and recovery... and ultimately a new appreciation for her life.

As a side note... I just ordered the book (again)... I highly recommend it.

A lot of water has traveled under the bridge since I first read this... I pointed out last month that it's good to reread things when you have new wisdom and experiences  to interpret and reflect on... For me the  most important things in looking back over my recovery journey...  there were a few times I thought I was reaching the end... or maybe more accurately the end of the beginning (still difficult) and although it was not always easy or fun... what this book and physical  rehabilitation gave me (after a devastating car accident) in comparing  all the difficulties with all the possibilities that still lie ahead and examining some of the seasons of my own life and  and/or the problematical issues that were clouding my judgement... Like the author  I needed new tools for learning or  re- learning a new or improved skill set that would ultimately make me stronger and more resilient... and ultimately  becoming a better or more evolved and enlightened version of myself.

I've said that often we are forced to relive certain people or scenarios until we learn the lesson they are supposed to teach us... one of them that has been the most difficult personally  for some reason is being kind and generous with mean, selfish people... the way  you treat people says a lot about who you are... I've come a long way from cool and distant to be at a place where I am pleasant and professional and warm-ish (if I need to be)... I think at my age that's about as good as it's going to get... because for the most part being  too nice in the past got me being used by people who will take advantage of it... I'm not nice now...I'm a good person... there is a big difference...being a good person means being honest, setting boundaries and not compromising yourself... being nice might give you something temporary from some people but it rarely earns you respect to build genuine connections... for me... respect tastes better than attention.

To be completely honest... it's taken me a few trips around the world and the block to understand how to find happiness. I found a key ingredient waiting backstage in a few theaters ... But  I went looking for the rest  in far off places and in different bed rooms as well as in expensive department stores and restaurants and bars... but I figured something out thanks to the best and happiest dog I have ever had the pleasure of having as part of my life...it's the simply harmony of who you are deep down and the life you have. One of the key components to having that happy sometimes elusive life and mindset we are all searching for is simply doing the right thing(s)... and doing what is right for you and making your moves and  gestures align with all that. Some of the things that you need to do for you may lead to disagreements but don't let fear of any sort of confrontation deter you from doing what you know in your heart that you need to do or in some cases not do...an argument will blow over eventually... if you don't speak your mind and do what you need to do and say to stay true to yourself... you are being manipulated and you are compromising yourself by censoring your true self...If you spend your life censoring yourself you end up living the life of what another person wants and ultimately this will eventually lead to bitterness and rage... I learned this the hard way but eventually I found my voice... Integrity really gives you freedom in life...because you have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide.

If it makes you happy and soothes your soul and floats your boat or grows your garden... then choose that. It takes great courage to leave behind what is not right for you anymore...and it's the same courage that will help you find your way to what is... 

But I want to add something important someone told me when I was about 19...When a door closes in life... knock on it a few times...if it still does not open... let it stay closed... know when it's time to move on and make another plan... Falling down is always going to be a part of life... but getting back up and moving forward is living.

One of the most underrated or least discussed ingredients to having a happy life is having a clear conscious. I've been able to go to bed every night of my life knowing that I'm not doing people wrong or dirty, or hiding who I am...and generally not screwing people over... you would be amazed at how easy it is to go to sleep at night and face yourself in the mirror the next morning with this.

This is a life long on going process of building and curating your life... I said in an earlier segment everything about you will say something about you to the world from your clothes, your signature, what fragrance (if any) you choose to wear... but the most important is how you live your life...to start you have to slowly cut things out and discard what is not fulfilling you and you are left with is what you love and what is necessary...and you will have what makes you happy...You have to decide the life you really want... and then say no to everything that isn't that. I started by cutting off anyone who was disrespectful... it's sometimes difficult especially if it is family or someone you thought was a calabash cousin... Always be mindful that you will be too juicy and spicy for some people and too bland and dry for others... and it does not matter in the least as long as you are happy and who you want to be... because eventually you will find the person or people who think you are just perfectly delicious.

One of the other really important things is finally understanding that there is no such thing as the right time... there is only time...There really is no such thing as ready...there is only now...so you may as well do it now... generally speaking now...is as good a time as any. I came across something on social media that more or less said "Stop waiting to feel ready... Ready is not a feeling... It's a decision."... but I want to balance that with something that Maggie Smith said in an interview once...'If in doubt... don't'... it's a very freeing statement... by doing what you love there will usually not be many significant doubts.

There have been a few people on my mind recently some who had their life just wind down like a clock and stop in the last year or so...and subsequently I've thought that every day someone leaves the world behind and it does not matter how old you are...we are all waiting in a line with a clock ticking without acknowledging it sometimes...there are the people who are before us... and some after us... and we can't move to the back of the line or step out of line...so while we are in line we have to make the minutes, hours, days and years count...One of the first things I think about every morning... is I made it to another day... I'm never going to be this young again...so I'm going to go out and make every minute count and do whatever it is that makes me happy today. (since summer I've given notice and quit the remainder of people and situations that did not align with my happiness and mindset) If I can give you some unsolicited advice... don't join a neighborhood or tenants  association committee the aggravation is mind numbing at times....at the end of the day it's going to be me and my sometimes silly life so I'm going to enjoy all the sometimes casually or carefully planed  moments and be the person I want to be.

I've written here before about happy endings and only recently really realized that happy is the beginning and the middle and generally endings are not always so happy or perfect...In Gilda Radner's book "It's Always Something"...  she wrote "there are some poems that don't rhyme... and some of the stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and ending...Life is about not always knowing what is next...   and having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to come next."

When you level up, you always lose something: A habit, a friendship, a version of yourself... it's not a loss... you are evolving... Changing your mindset from "I hope I can do this" to "I'm going to make this happen"... is a game changer.. but remember to be flexible... always know that no matter what... you are not too much, too weird, too anything...anybody who tires to make you believe you are... well they are not your people.

The same person who told me about knocking on closed doors also told me never to settle...there is always better...a better environment , a better career, better relationships, better friends, (I will add my two cents here... there have been friends that have been irreplaceable)...  a better life... better everything... Never settle or you will keep settling all the way down the line... until the end.

 Please set standards for yourself and the people you want in your life...it's not selfish or rude... it's important to your success and happiness...You are allowed to determine who gets access to you and your life...You can set the standard... it's your life. It's not an option... all the things that are optional will eventually evaporate...relationships, dreams and ideas.

So many aspects of the world and our daily lives are sometimes difficult at best right now... but I'm going to keep on doing what I've always done...I hold doors for strangers, I let people merge in traffic (but FYI I expect my wave), I say good morning and smile...I keep babies and dogs entertained in the grocery store lines and on elevators, I check in with people I know are probably feeling lonely because they don't have anyone to talk to about their days and nights mixed with the usual joys and sorrows and questions...Why do I do this?... Because I refuse to live in a world where kindness and decency is being discontinued by too many people... And this is pretty major... I noticed a few years ago... that people my age (and some younger) appear to be much older than I am... so I must be doing something right.

The year is coming to a close soon...so ending this year on a happy note... may not   be easy or grand or filled with fanfare... but maybe it's up to each and every one of us in our own quiet dignified way...to keep going even when it's difficult...and to look for and find kindness in ourselves and the people we love and together create memorable moments for our future memories and finding and protecting the peace we need in our own worlds and sharing it... Maybe this year the happy or not so happy moments are not what actually happen to us...but who we become because of them...as we become more connected to what matters most...the understanding that it's not getting every single thing we want... but to appreciate fully what we have.

Here is something that I started the year doing every morning after I wake up

• Spend five minutes visualizing my goals and writing down options and ideas.
• Drink a big glass of water.
• Have coffee read the NYT headlines and do wordle (this is optional) and share the results with the friends I know who do the puzzle every morning.
• Prioritize the day and complete the most difficult things before noon.
• Move your body and stretch for at least a half hour and take a walk and get fresh air.
• Substitute at least an hour of television and/or social media with a book.
• Write down three things you are grateful for every day.
• Spend at least 10 minutes quietly reflecting on the day and planning for tomorrow.

If your habits and outlook don't change... you won't have a new year... you will just have another year.

In the book a match to the heart symbolizes the simultaneous destruction and awakening of your physical and spiritual self and how they both work in unison... and in everyday life... what I've said many times before... what can sometimes be lost between the shadow and the act can be better understood by knowing yourself and careful observation of the subtle changes and conditions of everyday activities and relationships...or a more subtle description... fire casts no shadow.

Always keep in mind that the biggest risks in life... are going to be the ones you didn't take.

See you next month! Be safe!

The Fashion-Beauty-Health & Happiness Edition

September came and ended so quickly again... the days were mixed with smiles and a few tears... but I'm still full of hope... OK... so here we are again... it's autumn in the city.  For some reason this time of year has always signified a shift in the story or maybe even a new chapter... probably all the years of back to school shopping and starting a new grade level and the other things that only happen in the fall, getting ready for winter dreams and the holidays to come...... I've said before many times that my favorite season is summer... followed closely by Indian Summer... because... well another summers promises are coming to an end.. but it's giving us one last chance to make a wish, devise a plan, or ask another important question and maybe finally follow through on a decision we put off while basking in the summer sun... That being said... fall is definitely my second favorite... mostly because I really like the clothes and perhaps more importantly there is a particular kind of sunlight, sky and air in autumn that does not exist in any other season... Life takes on a different quality and rhythm briefly when there is a crispness in the air and the crunch of fallen leaves under our steps... 

Speaking of clothing, frocks and frippery... The September issue of most of the fashion magazines is supposed to be their highlight and most revered viewpoint publication of the year...but alas they have been rather meager (at least for me) for several years... I take it a sign that my taste level has evolved higher or maybe just differently than what the rest of the world wants to look at and wear... when you realize this it puts a lot of other things in your life into perspective too... But before we go on... way back when I started writing here I said...fashion rules were made to be broken... sometimes you just have to bend the rules a bit to suit your fashion statements and philosophy ... that being said I still won't wear white shoes after Labor Day... that one is pretty easy for me because I don't wear white shoes... trainers don't count... but what I also said before and I'll reiterate it... don't ever waste fashion or just throw it away... because the carbon footprint on this planet is already far to big... If you don't wear something because it does not fit or suit you anymore... donate it to a thrift shop or worthy cause... someone probably will love it... but if it's beyond repair  and thread bare... cut it up and make a quilt or something... just don't throw anything away that is still in even the smallest way usable.

Judith Krantz wrote a book about 40 years ago about the fashion and publishing world in New York called. "I'll Take Manhattan" part of the plot involves the heroine of the story takes an out of date publication about the fashion trade and revitalizes it to fit the current market... there is a lot more to this than meets the eye for all of us now... In the book a new  beauty/lifestyle magazine is launched that likes you just the way you are... and does not want to make you buy things you don't want... and that the point is to fully enjoy you for who you are and your life and what you have. So that's pretty much my fashion advice for this edition... but there is still a bit more to read if you are so inclined.

Most magazines try to inspire you to be something you are not and to acquire things that are not authentic to who you actually are and in the end make you feel bad about yourself and choices in the process... because you don't have a picture perfect house and don't know the names of the people going to the places that are already old news by the time it's published and on the newsstand or your coffee table... I'm going to let you in on a little secret from my experience with the fashion and magazine industry... Magazines are simply a vehicle to sell advertising... they are not really selling dreams to you... but instead heartache and disappointment  because you don't quite measure up to what they are trying to entice you with... Don't let the suits on Madison Avenue undermine your self-confidence and independence...Don't let any magazine editorial or advertisement try to change you into something you don't want to be... sure look at them for some inspiration or ideas from time to time but please don't subject yourself to following any advice or suggestions that don't mesh with you and your life (that mentality is what creates fashion victims)... In all fairness if a fashion magazine is doing it's job and you as the reader have a strong sense of yourself then...the magazines are reporting the fashion world and drawing out the key elements for the season ahead... and summing up the most interesting and innovative ideas.... I still look for this but rarely find much to where it actually fits my tastes, aesthetics  and lifestyle... but in all fairness my favorite suit is my birthday suit... and my iconic  fashion item is still a plain white cotton tee shirt...

If I can give you one great piece of advice... stay away from anyone or anything that says... this is in... and this is out... Just decide for yourself... If someone gives you unsolicited fashion advice especially if it's prefaced with "Do you really think at your age?" Look at them with a blind eye and listen with a deaf ear... People who say this are giving advice on how they want to see you dress and/or act... and/or they are envious of your fashion joie de vivre.... I've always politely said... "You worry about what you are wearing and I'll take care of what I put on and what I want to show the world"... if that is too subtle for them then say this...

But always remember no matter what and even if you are second guessing yourself and having an off day...

In the working world there has always been an unwritten (but often it is actually written out and detailed)  norm for what is and is not acceptable attire to wear to work and for business related social activities... if you want to get ahead generally you need to adhere to what is outlined and fall in line with "the uniform"... this is true in most conservative business environments...over time it's relaxed a little bit... if not then you can often take subtle liberties to assert your own fashion flair (I used to know someone who became a partner at one of the most conservative law firms in Chicago and she had to wear what she had to wear... but underneath she wore the most outrageously naughty lingerie)... But always remember on your own time you are free to wave your own fashion flag... and you should always  wear it proudly. Phyllis Newman sang a song in The Mad Woman Of Central Park West that asked "Fancy or not a stitch which is better?"  Phyllis Newman---Better... for me I've always said my two favorite fashion choices are Black Tie or stark naked because both can be very festive and each can have almost endless possibilities depending on your attitude and the circumstances.

 I have always dressed up or down for me not other people... if you are of a certain age and/or independent means... you have a lot more flexibility  with not giving a damn what other people think about you and your clothing and accessory choices... this is one of the true perks of getting older and having the self confidence about expressing the freedom of your choices.... as you get older the one thing you should never wear are the opinions of others regarding your fashion choices... But if an invitation says "Black Tie" my advice is to wear it...don't reinterpret it (but wear it your way). One of my all time favorite quotes about style and growing older is...

Clothing and real fashion have no gender or expiration date... If you like it and it makes you feel good about yourself... wear it...

But remember try to find things in colors and fabrics that flatter you and show you off to the world in the best way possible... if you feel you have a flaw like skinny legs or whatever... find things that don't bring attention to it... as I said last month I'm going to change my approach to what I spend on clothing... I'm going to buy one really sensational thing every year and I'm also going make one amazing thing with my sewing machine... and if it's good fabric and made well... and I take care of it... it will last for several years... so try to aim for something with timeless appeal... but once and a while a little whimsey never hurt anyone (one of my favorite things was a Stephen Sprouse liquid silver metallic tee shirt)... remember to take care of your body and have it be in the best shape and condition possible (remember that clothing does not make you look heavier... extra unwanted weight does that)... and finding the right clothing will be a little less stressful when you are as fit as possible... the bottom line with fashion is if you feel like a million dollars when you have it on and it makes you happy to wear it... You have found the true north on your fashion compass... and don't let anyone ever talk you out of it... but don't loose sight of the fact that your life, tastes and needs will evolve over time... don't be so rigid that you lock into something without even considering something you may have eschewed or never considered in the past.

 

In terms of beauty... I want to share something Joy Reid said recently..."With everything going on in the world right now... it's more important than ever to stay  rested, hydrated, unbothered and moisturized." and if I may add my own two cents... "Move and make decisions like everything is going to work out" (someone I used to work with called it the Harper's Bazaar walk)These are going to be my watch words for my beauty, health and psychological well being from now until I draw my last breath... I still deeply care and am bothered by everything going on right now... but I'm not loosing a minutes sleep over it anymore or anything else unless it involves my friends and/or loved ones... The following  is my simple beauty regime for the 21st century...

• Go to bed early and get a good night sleep (we need beauty sleep)*
• Get up early and face everything (do the more difficult things first)
• Drink plenty of water
• Eat good food
• Exercise
• Cleanse, tone and moisturize 
• Get fresh air every day
• Save money
• Read**
• Listen to music** 
• Avoid gossip and drama
• Take a nap if you feel like it...

*   While you dream your brain sorts out memories, your body heals and your cells regenerate.

** Old songs and books hit  new notes and cords when you’re not the same person who read it or listened to it years ago... before the experiences and knowledge that brought you to where you are now

It may seem a little boring at first glance... but boring is seriously underrated.

The best part about being true to yourself is...you no longer have an image to maintain...you will delight some... and disturb others... truth be told that's the way it's been for me almost my entire life... because in the end... none of it will matter either way... the saddest version of me when I started growing older was when I lost my spark and direction and did not really know who I was anymore or what I was supposed to be as an older adult... luckily it was a brief period and I found myself  and a new and improved life again.

I said in an earlier excerpt "Beauty is as beauty does" I don't think many people really think about this anymore because most people have become so mean, crass and calculating.... I started to really consider it after a conversation I had with my mother and my brother when I was younger and as it was pointed out at the time... you really can't take any credit for the way you look when you are 18...but as you get older... if you are still attractive and (one of the key ingredients to beauty) happy then all the words, actions, choices and the way you have lived your overall life will be your own doing...real beauty comes from within and develops with age.

The way I've looked has certainly opened many doors for me and for a significant period of my life it was part of how I earned a living... but it's also had a darker side... sometimes certain people in the past made me or I allowed them to make me feel unseen for what was not visible to the naked eye...and a few times mistrusted and misunderstood, condescended to and insulted and often feeling isolated and alone... and this was all on me to find a way to bridge the gap and shed light on what was lost between the shadow and the act between what other people see and who I actually was then and am now beneath the surface. But always remember you can't make other people be more than they are... a lesson that took me a long time to learn... For the people who all they have ever been is beautiful... it's usually very difficult to  find their way out from this...but I will always remember the words of Judith Sheindlin... better known as Judge Judy... "Beauty fades... dumb is forever"... intelligence and a moral compass fill in a lot of the missing pieces over time as we evolve... but one of the most important  key ingredients as I said before is to be...

I guess one of the last few things I'll say about beauty... don't have cosmetic surgery unless you absolutely have to... I was in an automobile accident and I wanted to get my face back to as close as possible to what it looked like before... that being said if you are seriously considering going under the knife... look at the celebrities or people you know who have had surgical procedures  and look very closely to see if it did or did not have beneficial results... there is something really underrated about aging gracefully... someone once said "A smile is the best facelift" I think it was Sissy Spacek in an interview about 30 years ago... if you really feel that it's something you need to do... then go to the best doctor available and be prepared to pay top dollar... I've seen people walking around who look like they did it themselves with a kitchen knife and a needle and thread... I don't want to post it here but google the image of the female cast of Knots Landing.... then and now... that to me is the best poster for taking care of your self and letting nature take it course...

Quick story... I saw a couple of people about 20ish years ago on the subway and they were laughing and happy and suntanned the way you get when you go skiing in the spring... and they both looked like they lived the most incredibly fun and happy life... and I kept staring and thought what is it about them that is making them look so amazing (they appeared to be about 10-15 years older than I was and I was looking for some beauty tips)... and it dawned on me that they were aging naturally and loving every moment of their life... and I said to myself then and there ... that's the beauty road I'm going to take.

One of the things I've talked about many times here in the last several years is moving away from the people, career choices and places that did not fit with who I was becoming and where I wanted to go...It all started at Heathrow airport... I got paged  and shortly after someone approached me and said " Are you the Boz Bochner that used to live on Kalakaua Avenue in Honolulu...?... I paused for a second flashed a big smile and said... "No... but I used to be... now I'm the Boz Bochner who lives on Egerton Terrace here in London.... we could not possibly be more different from each other"... so many things have happened over the years and its really important to understand that who you used to be in the past and who you are now... and who you will be in the future are three different people and what you always need to consider is if the people who you used to know or knew you in the past... only know a person who no longer exists... 

Sometimes it's possible to find new connection with people we used to know and sometimes not...what I look for in others when trying to find common ground is a mutual understanding of...life is already very difficult at times and I don't want to be around people who make it more difficult...and I don't want to be that kind of person to anyone else... I want to be around people that we bring out the best in each other... comfort, calm and peace... that is the kind of energy I need from people and that is the kind of energy I will give back.

One of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and how others see you in the cold grey light of dawn every day... is to develop emotional intelligence... you will know you have it the moment you stop reacting by being triggered or provoked... and stop chasing approval and most importantly protecting your peace at all costs... after that most everything in your life will start to shift.

It's very important to remember... you are not a machine...you are a living breathing person with a soul that needs  music, connection, pockets of joy and beautiful sunsets and laughter... prioritize these things like your life depends on it... because it does... as far as fashion and beauty goes... it's all in the details of knowing who you are and understanding your own life and direction.... Deep down inside you your soul knows what you need and want and what works and what needs more work and refinement... start listening to the little voice inside of you that is trying to lead the way.

If you were hoping that this segment was going to be a fabrics and colors and garment silhouettes and accessories... and skin and hair care and exercise and diet... I've already written about all that so take a look back in the previous entires in the archives of what I've written about those subjects previously.

So it's already autumn and the days are flying by faster than ever...if all you are doing is working and stressing out and paying bills ... make time every day to enjoy the most you possibly can...I had to teach myself again to take walks, and enjoy music and laughter and relaxation again... Happiness does not have to be expensive... we all deserve to be happy every day of our lives....

I'll close with something I thought about including last month but decided to save as a highlight for this month... 

Fascism is cured by reading

Racism is cured by traveling--- Miguel de Unamuno

I find this to be mostly true if you in fact read between the lines when necessary and ask questions and look for answers in life... but more than anything you have to be a decent person with a moral compass... and if when you travel you actually experience another place and the people and culture... There is more than just seeing the sights and sounds of life in a place outside your comfort zone.

I'm always amazed at the number of people I encounter who have no interest in world  travel... and even more amazed at the people who don't or won't read... it's difficult for me to have any meaningful conversations with these people except small talk... which probably fits their comfort and skill set best.

On a completely personal level...Because of a series of calamities starting in 2018.... that were completely out of our control... the life we once knew and were comfortable living  changed for us forever... and we both knew life would never be what it was ever again... and then covid came along and shut everything down making matters even worse...  and there were a handful of people going out of their way to try and actually make it worse... We had the difficult lesson to learn that Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean we had to tolerate lies, chaos, drama, manipulation and disrespect. For a while it felt like we slipped into an alternate reality with no way out...and nothing made sense the way it used to.. we made a commitment to each other we would find our way again to a new and better life... we started by removing toxic ties and relationships from our lives and  relied on each other and the strength, support and friendship from the small handful of people who were not part of the toxic people purge... and we started to  rebuild  our life from the ground up... "Are we there yet?"... no but our life is much better than it was when it all fell apart... there is a lesson there for us with the way things are now on the outside world...I've been saying this since last January..."Things could be worse... and maybe they will get worse... but we will find a way out of that too."

So in terms of the life outside of our front door we are taking the same approach more or less but on a much larger scale... there are many more factors to be considered... but like I said last month... I have hope... and that sometimes is the first step...to making determined differences.

I've said it here before... a friend once reminded me that I've gotten through all the worst days of my life... and there were times I was more than a little unsure I was going to make it... but I did... and it made me think about all the people in my life who did not make it and the millions of people who also lost a battle they tried valiantly to win... I think about all of them when I'm having one of those days that I still have so much to be grateful  for in spite of all the distractions, curve balls and chaos life can throw at us... that I'm so thankful that I never gave up trying. 

So with   everything that is happening in the world right now, not matter what... I promise I'm going to show up for the fight when I need to... And while I'm doing everything else that needs to be done I'm going to rock the look and be the person I fought so hard to become.

 

See you next month!... go out and start living your best most fabulous life!