Hope Or Despair?

Let me start by saying...

...I hope everyone had a wonderful summer... I did...but it was like all the others that came before it and went by much too quickly... but like previous years there are some glorious memories that will linger indefinitely... I did not do the things I normally do... I spent quite a bit of time researching, writing and in the process of concentrating on something else... I found a few new ways back to myself again... and I'm starting (after a few difficult years) to feel like me again.

A reader sent me an email asking me why I like summer so much... well I grew up in a tropical environment... and I just feel better...so I'm a firm believer in the healing powers of sunlight...it does not just shine on you... you absorb the sun... the light illuminates your blood, your eyes, your heart, your whole you and it energizes you.. so get out and soak up some sun whenever you can... but don't forget the sunscreen and wear a hat if it's intense.

Speaking of time flying...I started this writing project 10 years ago... a few people kept telling me that I should  write a book about my life.. and I was reluctant and the truth is I still am... but in writing some things down I remembered a few forgotten details (some good and a few not so good) that brought me to where I am now... The fact of the matter is... I really have had a wonderful life full of adventure and joy and seasoned here and there with mishaps and despair, I've had a lot of bad days along the way... but that is all they were bad days and not a bad life because I was able to let go and move on from them and didn't hold on to the hurt, pain or fear.... so in examining my life and the players in and out of the story... I have made an outline  for a mystery suspense novel that I'm hoping to eventually publish in the fiction market... I'm taking some of the parts of my life, loves. losses and adventures and weaving it into the story arc of my book mostly for timeline narrative from the mid 70's to the present.

I want to thank each and every one of you for reading over the years here and for the feedback. I have a few ideas about the direction going forward so I really would appreciate any input to what you would like me to address or readdress.This month I'm going to write about what I have been focusing on since last November...If you have any empathy and critical thinking skills... you really can't help at times but feel an overwhelming sense of despair and dread about the sate of affairs in the world right now from the ongoing war in the Ukraine and the mounting cruelty in Israel and Gaza... and perhaps closer to home for most of us... the unravelling of democracy in the United States... I could probably write something every month until the results are released for the election on 7, November 2028... but I'm not going to and I'm going to try to restrain myself from addressing any of the following issues in any sort of depth... unless I absolutely have to... In case you have not been able to keep of with all the chaos...here is a sample of the issues I care about (I'm only outlining it because there is so much more than this that came  previously and  it's sometimes easy to get lost in all the mayhem...

• He is grifting in plain sight
• The illegally imposed tariffs paid for by US consumers
• He seized The Kennedy Center
• He is selling federal buildings
• He is attacking institutions
• He is defying court orders
• He has manipulated the market
• He has weaponized the DOJ
• He got rid of food safety
• He got rid of disease control
• He wants to destroy public land
• He wants to mine seabeds in international waters
• He is extorting minerals from other nations
• He gave an unelected oligarch access to government data
• He has broken trust with our allies
• He is organizing a police state militia against US citizens
• He has weakened global confidence in America
• He is trying to dismantle the Department Of Education and CDC
• In addition there is a laundry list of insane proposals meant to distract everyone from the issues like The Epstein Files by threateining  annexing Canada and Greenland and let's not forget erasing and whitewashing history... and the endless lies and more lies
• Finally he is hurting so many innocent people needlessly while driving up the deficit to historic levels... don't even get me started on Jacqueline Kennedy's rose garden and Barak Obamas official White House portrait.

On top of everything else... Until the proof is disclosed... He is a sexual predator and a pedophile protecting other high profile pedophiles...No matter what... this is what he will always be to me...

He is a liar, his cognition is in serious decline... he is dismantling democracy daily... he has enablers supporting him are laying the ground work to manipulate future elections .. this is all in the last 7 months... America will not survive this for another three and half years... I have had to take a step back from the fray and manufactured mayhem and focus on my own health, happiness and sanity... But if there is something actually positive from all of static and noise of these horrible days we are living in right now... it's that it's become very clear who we are and what we stand for and what matters... Who will you be? What will you stand for? Decide and live and act accordingly to those standards. 

I'm going to share with you some of the things that I have been thinking about since last January and more specifically this past summer... besides playing tennis...

and spending time with friends...

I've always found some strength and insight from the wise words of Isak Dinesen... "The cure for everything is salt water... sweat, tears or the sea."... I've found over the years it really is not a cure... but a wonderful remedy with restorative power to heal.

Some situations and people are portals...you need to pay close attention and choose the ones that lead to your hearts desires and the help build the core of your journey positively... all of this starts with the things you think about and how you think...the happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts because your soul takes the color and shape of what you concentrate on... I've had to train myself to take my sleep patterns back... starting in 2016 I would lay in bed and analyze and obsess about.. well almost everything that was happening and what could happen... it's important to be well informed of what is going on in the world and even in your neighborhood right outside your door... but more importantly what is happening in your life and inside your house should be the top priority... The difference  is now I'm not letting the state of affairs of the world rob me of my beauty sleep and happiness and all the really important aspects of my life.

Your mind will believe everything you tell it. Feed it hope. Feed it truth. Feed it with Love... Often in life we have no choice but face despair and find a way out of it to the other side... to find joy... but to get there you need hope.

So..remember you have to deal with things... you have to face what's going on in the world as much as you do your own life... don't make them the priority when you don't have to... My mantra for the rest of this situation or maybe for the rest of my life is going to be...I'm not wasting my time and energy on things that I don't love. I think we all need to fall in love with ourselves and our life again... I'm only making my favorite foods...and I'm admiring the sunrises and sunsets when I can... because they are not an endless supply for any of us...I'm dancing to the upbeat songs on my playlists (even if I'm by  myself) and usually singing along... I'm wearing my favorite clothes and putting my best foot forward to bring me back to my best self... Once upon a time when life was either teaching me lessons or making me toughen up and face the cold harsh reality of the world I was  drowning  in despair... So  I packed up everything I cared about  and said "All this fucked up shit will not be my story"... and I moved to land far, far away and for the rest of that chapter of my life I lived happily ever after... We all reach a point in life that we can't always do that.. (but I loved it when I did it) and we have to deal with it and change the course of the events any way possible where we are. Sometimes all you need to realize is you are too pretty and well educated for some of the shit and people that life throws at you... all you have to do is move on and just write the negative narrative out of the story... it's as simple as that (not always that easy but you know what I mean)... the older I have gotten the more I've grown with the knowledge that  it's OK to live a life that others don't understand... and never will.

If you have a dream and you need write it all down with a timeline and a date...  then it becomes a goal...if you break the goal down into steps then it becomes a plan... if you back the plan up with actions... the dream can become a reality... but spoiler alert... you sometimes have to go back and make different plans and instigate different actions... but don't give up. (Writing the book helped illustrate this to me)

I have become a big advocate for privacy... the lesson was learned from people who I thought I could trust and they proved otherwise... so if you have dreams, plans or even musings... keep them to yourself. Don't post your every thought on social media...If you want to be up for big changes and adventures...Live it... but stay low key... privacy is everything and it is a safe guard from other people interfering.

But one of the things I will share with you... this year... and the coming years I'm going to make life very personal... in that anything that makes me happy... I'm doing it.

If you read back I wrote previously about know how to read the signs that life shows you... sometimes they are subtle... other times not so much...

But one thing that really helps navigate the directions of life is your intuition (your intuition is an internal voice that does not always use words)... Always listen and don't ignore it... there is a reason you feel a certain way about some people and certain  situations.

Probably one of the most important things I've done for my life is setting boundaries  and not tolerating disrespect and patronizing passive aggressive shit from toxic people... the truth is I grew up with a person who we all had to tiptoe around to keep peace... the only peace we protected was his... over the years everyone else silently suffered and it came with a high price tag... Just because someone is family or they sign your paycheck does not mean you have to tolerate lies, chaos, drama, manipulation and disrespect... For me one of the most satisfying feelings in my life has been walking away from toxic jobs and people knowing that I never had to go back and never needed to tolerate it from anyone again... on top of all that I have finally evolved to a place that the worst I will ever wish for people is that they meet themselves and similar situations in someone else... in not following this I may have risked time in prison for some of the things I once considered even if just half heartedly or in jest for some of the revenge I was fantasizing about... and I finally figured out the negative thoughts were impacting my growth and had no effect on them whatsoever... So I'm handing it over to Karma!

The thing you need to remember about bullies is that they are not always teenagers in middle school... they are often adults in offices who have important titles and wear expensive clothes...that think they have the right to break the spirit of other people so that they can somehow, in some small way feel a little bit better about their pathetic miserable lives.

It's not easy but...building a small circle of friends who are genuine, mature spiritually, who keep some space in their heart and minds for the unimaginable and not bitterness and animosity... and who hold the importance of compassion above judgement and criticism... the ones who grow with you through life... I've let go of a lot of people but the real friends who are still around are more priceless than gold to me. I always remember a quote from Aristotle... "The antidote for fifty enemies is one good friend."

I've said this probably a million times in my life... but to have a friend... you have to be a friend... not everyone we encounter is destined to be one of the long haul people in our lives and that's OK... I sometimes reintegrate on a sort of parallel plane with a lot of these people and places in my dreams or the quiet thoughts waiting for sleep because there is a place between goodnight and good morning where we can sometimes reconnect with the people and things and ideas that somehow fell trough the cracks or got lost between the shadow and the act... lost to time.

So one of the most valuable lessons I learned from walking away and burning bridges is no one should ever feel desperate for anything... whatever it takes to empower yourself... do it in the most unapologetic way. If you need to look up the elements of critical thinking and incorporate them into your every day life and thoughts  that will likely help light the way...

In addition to all the horrible things happening in the world right now...one of the things that has caused me a more than my fair share of despair... for the last 10 years or so... people especially right wing politicians and their constituents  are behaving in an even more deplorable way than ever before (in my opinion) all those people aside... there are countless people I know who are witty and fun and smart... but they lack basic decency... but there is some hope here if you draw very strict boundaries of what you will and won't accept from people... but at the same time we are now being given the opportunity to show everyone we are who we say were are "You can talk the talk... but you have to walk the walk too"... no matter what I will not become like the horrible people crawling out of their caves who feel empowered from hatred and lies.

... if you see someone being silenced in a conversation... intervene and turn the conversation back to them...I can tell you from experience that being with people who won't listen or talk over you or won't let you share your point of view is lonelier than being alone... if you see someone falling behind for any reason slow your pace to match theirs... I had a friend once who was several years older than I am and said to me once "I love having you as a friend for so many reasons but you helped me want to walk faster to keep up with you and the times and see the things that most people my age can't be bothered with anymore"... I want to make one thing perfectly clear right here... don't ever dumb yourself down for anyone ever... make them come up or help bring them up to your level... if someone is left out be the person to include them...show people that they matter...Feeling invisible or silenced can cut so deep into a persons soul and might cause irreparable damage... when you show someone that they are valued and respected that stays with them the same as disdain, insults and humiliation. Remember this... somewhere there are people who still smile when they remember a moment in time with you... and vice versa... How do you want to be remembered?

I'm going to close with something that fascists do to manipulate people.., its confusion, chaos and fear... I made a personal promise with myself last month after reading something that Marguerite Duras wrote...

There has been a lot to despair in the distant and not too distant past of all of our journeys up until today... but I'm holding out for hope and strength... and I will do anything I can to keep them in my life and thoughts... I'm still hoping for a certain obituary with my morning coffee... but that is not going to completely eradicate the mess we are in right now... but it's a start... no matter what... I believe all the way down to my toes that... I'm not going to be ruled by a tyrant or a wanna-be king... I'm going to hold on to the narrative and direction I want for my life at all costs.

I hope you will join me this year and we can discover some of them together... one of the things I'm going to talk about is... at a certain age we need less stuff... and in my case especially... clothing...I have enough things to wear if  live to be 100... so I made a decision... because we still need something new that makes us look and feel like a million dollars now and then... but from now on... I'm following the advice of Vivienne Westwood... "Buy one good thing every year"... choose well, and make it last.

It's important to understand that sometimes hope and despair have to walk hand in hand but... if you give up on hope and your dreams and surrender to despair... all the really important aspects of what makes you... you... will start to evaporate... I'm hopeful we will all find our way... There has been such an orchestrated effort to divide us that I want to share an interesting fact...Your DNA is 99.9 % identical to every other human on earth... it's that 0.1% that accounts for every face, every story, every difference... we have so much common ground with everyone let's celebrate our individual differences and the multitude of things that we share... Finally I wish for this every year on my birthday when I blow out the candles on the cake... I'm not giving up on it...

See you next month... or better yet... Let's meet in British Columbia and soak up some sun....

Oh and one last thing... The fact that sometimes time seems to fly by so fast it's possible to miss some of the important details that can slip unnoticed through the cracks... always keep that in mind because there is a clock ticking for each and every one of us...we can't see it or hear it... but we all need to start feeling it... love who loves you and enjoy your life before the clock starts winding down...and stops. Do not get lost in a sea of despair... be hopeful... be optimistic... it's a lifetime struggle to do this... but it's better than giving up. Don't be afraid... make some noise... bang your own drum... light the path for change no matter how small at first and keep going and share your light with others who might need it too.

September has always symbolized an ending and a beginning for me... The crisp freshness in the air can carry longing or endless new possibilities... let it smell and feel like success and happiness overflowing into every area of your life... but just in case... be open to an Indian summer for one last hot kiss not tasted under the clear blue sky  or a warm embrace on a starry night only yearning for   during July and August.

Me ke aloha!

Across The Universe

When I was an undergraduate student at UCLA was  probably the first time I realized I was a part of the bigger world that what was beyond where I grew up and the people I knew in my community and around the same time it was the first time anyone ever asked me..."What sign are you?" and... "What is your favorite song?... both questions have been asked numerous times since and the answers are both still the same... Aries... and Across The Universe from The Beatles last album Let It Be ... from the fist time I heard it the words and the music spoke to me and it's the first time I ever looked into researching Sanskrit because the song prominently features a Sanskrit mantra.... I've always somehow heard this song when I needed to hear it to be reminded of what I used to be and/or what I have become from it or it just popped into my head for the same reason.... I heard it again by chance recently and decided to add it to my regular playlist from my music library because I could not get the chorus of the song out of my head... But I'll get back to all of this later.

I've been very lucky that in some of my travels I have come close to seeing across the universe... literally and figuratively... from certain beaches, summits but mostly from the cockpit of a Pan Am 747... some of the most interesting conversations I've ever had were in darkened flight decks or galleys when all the passengers were sleeping or watching a movie... one that I remember most vividly is "In space, there is no weather or atmosphere or seasons... none of the things that we take for granted in our everyday lives"... what I took away from this is being more mindful of all the things we do have even on bad days... The planet we are living on is alive and we are lucky to be a part of it... I remember one year on 24, December our flight was going over the North Pole.. and I thought about what almost everyone probably thinks about flying over the North Pole on Christmas Eve... and also how lucky I have been to have these amazing experiences and eventual memories... I thought about pretty much the same when I was running around on the South Pole once, except for the Santa Clause part... and.. Did you know that when you stand at the geographic South Pole all lines of longitude converge at that point and you are literally standing in 24 time zones?...in theory you can step from today to yesterday... and back into tomorrow... that's one of the reasons I always wanted to go back.

and did one more time... 

From this and everything in-between I've seen some amazing places and met interesting people and tasted phenomenal food and cultures... one of the best pieces of advice I was given very early in life was "Don't be a tourist with your life... be of the world"...by all this as it was explained "don't ever feel like you are visiting a foreign place... it's another place in the same world you live in but offers you the chance to expand your knowledge and horizons."  I love to travel because you really have no idea who you really are until you experience yourself through new people and experiences... one of the best educations you can get is traveling, nothing else teaches you more than exploring the world and accumulating new experiences and ideas. I like to do some of the touristy things that most places offer a traveler... but I also like to go off the beaten path and visit the neighborhoods and the restaurants and shops... I usually visit a grocery store, and a dry cleaning establishment and go see a movie or two (especially if it's raining)... all in all I like to do the things I normally do at home with some foreign flavors added in...on one of these excursions someone told me... "The secret to your future is hidden in your daily routine." ... meaning... Don't ignore yourself and your own needs...always be mindful of your posture... take extra special care of your hair and skin, drink plenty of water (at least 2 liters a day) and eat food that gives you energy... get fit and take care not to look sloppy... when you look good you feel good. With that advice I've kept my A-Game... but no matter what and no matter where I am I always get fresh air every day and take a walk and see the world even if it's in my neighborhood... during my walk I think about the things I'm grateful for and some of the things I need to work on improving... my mantra since 2018 has been.."If you focus on the hurt you are going to keep suffering from it... If you focus on the lesson you need to learn from it you will keep growing and move on."...  and on the flip side...

...Happiness comes like luck or love according the the life we lead and the people we are and just as importantly the people we know and associate with regularly... I learned the following from an interview I read once about Eli Wallach... he said "I've learned the secret to pissing people off... I'm happy!"

Ever since the first boarding pass crossed my palm I plan for the trip by doing research about where I'm traveling to and the cultural similarities and differences... as well as handy things like... currency exchange, what the weather and climate are like... but maybe most importantly cultural do's and don'ts... as well as a few handy words and phrases that will come in handy...

• Greetings
• Eating Out 
• Hotel, Airport and Train Station lingo
• Directions
• Help (I'm lost, I need help, I need a doctor etc)

Most everyone everyplace I've ever been usually speaks English as a second language (except in small towns and rural areas)... but If you make a sincere effort to try to speak their language... it makes a world of difference. (All of this is available on your smart phone in a pinch)

... No one has an excuse with this anymore with the technology available now (We used to have to go to the library or book store and do research)...  Do yourself a favor and buy or download a map of where you are going and also if you are going to use public transportation ( which I wholeheartedly recommend especially in big cities)... get a hold of the transit system map and the timetables, rates and rules and regulations...

OK I might as well say it since I've been dying to say it almost my entire adult life... "If you are going to complain that things are different from the way you are used to... stay home and save yourself and everyone else the grief from your endless whining and complaining"... if on the other hand you want to immerse yourself in a new culture and ask questions with an open mind and are sensitive to cultural norms... you will move around more easily, blend in and I'm going to say probably make some new friends...and speaking of blending in... think about where you are going and what you are wearing... I'm all in for people having their own unique style and flavor...  that's all part of your savoir faire... but don't stick out like a broken thumb... I can usually spot a tourist with one eye closed from a pretty good distance based on what someone is wearing  and their attitude...

You would be amazed what comes up if you google.... "What should I wear in Paris during the summer"... easy-peasy packing advice... My own personal packing advice is whenever I am going somewhere I really like to do carry-on only if possible (it makes getting through customs and immigration and being on your merry way whistling a happy tune much faster without having to wait for baggage claim) I wear my best outfit on the flight (people judge your airport travel outfit especially if you are hoping for an upgrade) everything else in my baggage goes with it in a mix and match kind of way... don't make the mistake of packing with the idea that you can make choices at your destination... make the choices before you pack. If you really need something that you did not pack then buy it. (I was once invited to an outdoor family wedding of a friend in Italy during the summer...my wonderful airport/airplane ensemble was not going to cut it. If you go back and read about my first round the world adventure (click on)  Around The World In 30 Days Part 2   I did it all with carry on luggage until the last two legs of the trip (Shopping in London and New York forced me to check a bag)

You have to remember that no matter where you go in the world... there you are... don't travel with the idea of running away... travel with the idea of finding yourself again under new and auspicious circumstances... explore new places, meet new people, try new foods... come up with new ideas and devise an updated plan for your life... and perhaps discovering new places and people and things that you did not know you were looking for until you find it and/or them...that to me is the idea of being of the world and not an ordinary tourist just seeing the sights.

Someone recently asked me what song I would want to have played at my funeral and/or memorial service... I explained that I was going to be an organ donor after I died and would not be having a funeral... I'm not really all that keen on any sort of memorial service particularly if it going to be swathed in sadness and tears... but If the few people who I still have some meaningful connection with want to get together for a couple of drinks and toast to the good times and fun memories... than I would not mind if Across The Universe was played when all is said and done.. because  for me it's always represented  that the world is big and most of the trivialities  of life really don't matter... But at the same time, every little thing has meaning and we should be hopeful and eternally grateful to everything that has made us who we are. The song  at its very core, is a song about the human experience... no matter if the story is near the beginning... the middle... the end of the beginning... the beginning of the end... or the end... there is still more to the story.

Across The Universe (Youtube)

All that being said when it's all over for me I hope there is someone able to get a few of my molecules on a floating lantern in the Shinnyo Lantern Floating Ceremony in Honolulu on Memorial Day.

So now I'm bidding you adieu until September... I'm taking my usual summer off to regroup and recharge... June, July and August are my favorite months in the northern hemisphere because my hair gets lighter, my skin gets darker, the water is warmer, the drinks are colder and the music seems to sing a little more joyously for some reason... I do have a little bucket list fro the rest of the month...

Thanks for reading... Have a great summer... what is your favorite song?... and why?... see you in September!

PS... don't forget the sunscreen and make sure to drink extra water!

Between Chapters

 

If you have been reading since I started this project or if you joined recently I've touched on that we write the chapters of our lives and ultimately, hopefully a happy ending... I don't know if you are like me when I read a book... sometimes I have to stop because I think I know what is coming up and want to take a step back and reflect.. or I just can't wait to see what happens next. For our purposes today I'm going to focus on when we are between chapters and going forward without hesitation or pausing to reflect... I think both are equally important and knowing when you have to choose one or the other takes an acquired skill set.

The way life works as a rule (unless you go into a coma) you can't skip a chapter... that in itself would probably be an actual chapter. You have to read every line and understand what it means and you have to know every character and be aware of what they are to the story and/or what they represent... it's not always an easy read and not always enjoyable and some chapters will make you cry while other will lift you to new levels of joy and enlightenment, and you don't want it to end and move on to the next part of the story... but move on you must... you have to keep going forward. Your story is just part of the many that keep the world revolving and interesting. You have to live each moment of it  not miss a single word or detail.

I'll get back to all of this later... first I want to say that It's hard to believe how fast this year has flown by in spite of the fact that in many ways it's been a somewhat... difficult (is not the right word) journey... but perhaps waring is more on point. Let me start by saying that I just had my one year followup from the kidney donation I made last May and everything is wonderful on that front... I think I mentioned that I had a wellness check consultation with a doctor a couple months ago from my insurance company...  and one of the questions they alway ask is "Are you depressed or anxious?"... my answer was "No not in a clinical sense but I'm having a normal reaction to the world and the political climate in this country right now" and went on to say if people were not sometimes a little depressed or anxious about what is happening in the world right now they are either living in a fools paradise or there is something really wrong with them... A couple of chapters of my story this year include dealing with some skin cancer issues that seem to be (hopefully) taken care of... the rub is I now have to go back to to the skin cancer clinic doctor every six months for the rest of my life (better safe than sorry)... wish I had embraced  sunscreen about 40 years sooner... but you can't go back... The other thing is while I was having my year check up for the kidney donation follow up (which mostly involves giving blood and urine samples to make sure everything is operating on all cylinders the nurse who was taking my vitals told me...Your heart rate is 190 you have to go across the street to the emergency room right now"... so fast forward to the ER when you come in and you are having a medical emergency of this nature you get to skip the line and they immediately attend to you and did and EKG and moved me to a sort of ER area that was semi-private with a door and hooked me up to a heart monitor and injected me with something to bring my heart rate back to normal... and it worked... but it did not last so they gave me a pill that is slower acting but a longer lasting version of what they injected and monitored me for five hours to make sure I was stable and then sent me home with instructions to see a cardiologist ASAP...  I've already done all that and now have a prescription for what they gave me if it happens again and I have an appointment for next week for more diagnostic work and a heart monitor that I will wear around for a couple of weeks. (I can take a shower and live my life with it but no swimming or baths)

C'est la vie... truth be told the only time I really love a bath is after a long day of alpine skiing.

So the ER doctor and nurses explained to me how lucky that I was so close to the hospital and dealing with this quickly as the situation could have turned deadly or at the least "really bad"... they managed to scare the crap out of me and once I had the sense to call my other half with the 411 about the 911... I used my phone for the mirror feature to see how I was holding up under the circumstances ... not great but my hair looked fabulous ( I took selfie to document the moment)... the hours dragged by and another person was brought in to share the space with a divider in-between us to give us each a small shred of dignity and privacy (with all the fluids they were giving me in an IV I needed to pee about every hour into a bottle sitting up in the ER bed thing... I also took this moment to promise myself that I was going to  enjoy the rest of my life in the most positive and fulfilling way possible (as I'm sure everyone does if they think this could be the end)...Somewhere in the day that was dragging by I did realize that I had a Citi bank credit card bill due the following day and if I lived through this I did not want to jeopardize my good credit report so I paid the bill on my phone app and decided at that moment I was going to get the somewhat unreasonably priced jumper that I have had on my wish list (I bought it yesterday after I got home from the cardiologist... I'm bringing all this up because if you read back to the other ER episode I wrote about here... I'm Not A Doctor But I Played On On TV... from ease dropping on the patient next to me and from what I could hear from all the drama playing out outside the room I was in... I felt very lucky to be me at the moment and not any of the other people dealing with their health emergencies  and would deal with my issues probably easier in the coming chapters (with superb blond highlights and wearing a delicious white Stone Island jumper with a good credit rating intact)... I'm not being glib because I also thought about my seven minutes... I read somewhere that after death the human brain lives on for seven minutes replaying it's best memories... I have no idea if this is scientifically accurate... but I love the idea and would like to think that most of my seven minutes will be played from somewhere in the life that I've lived with my other half for more than the last two decades and the best parts of everything  will be prominently featured with meaningful background music.

So from the darkest depths of the Weill Cornell Hospital Emergency Room the next day I woke up at home in a place that feels right and my heart is calm (and not beating 190 times a minute) my soul is lit, my thoughts are positive and my vision is clear. I'm at peace with where I've been, everything and everybody I've been through and where I'm going from here. I had the pause that apparently I needed to take by resting at the hospital and reflecting... and now I'm ready for the next chapter.

But before we move on... the other insight that came to me while I was waiting to be discharged and sent home is that at a certain age we are all feeling tired and worn out and often uninspired to conquer the world and all the uncertainties... but we have to find a way to replace the cynicism that stole our optimism and joy to something useful... we all have to trust ourselves enough to take the risks we need to take to connect us to the person we need to be to move forward... because now more than ever I believe it's foolish to try to be something we used to be... time to move on... one of the things that came together for me in about 2018... was all the things that I thought were drowning me were actually teaching me to be a better swimmer.

I have had a couple of days to reflect on the fact that I don't like how angry I've become since the outcome of the last presidential election.. It is not me, but I'm angry because I care. I honestly don't ever remember being this angry and upset on a continuous basis. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this... I can see it in the attitudes and the faces of perfect strangers I encounter every day...I think I've turned the corner on this because... it's OK to be angry... but it's not OK to have your anger turn to cruelty (mine has not)... I've also given careful consideration to the way people and attitudes have changed over the last 8-10 years and the key issues seem to be  lowered expectations, lack of discipline and perhaps most importantly is normalized hate and disrespect... the difference is this time... I'm not letting it keep me up at night over analyzing every aspect of every news report.

With that I give you this to consider...

"I dedicate myself to myself,

for the rest of my life, without haste,

without excuses.

I don't know how much time I have left,

But I want to spend it remaining true

to who I am, without letting anyone

disturb my inner peace.

I now grant myself the right to open

a bottle of wine for no particular reason,

to buy myself flowers without waiting

for someone to give them to me,

to walk without ever looking back.

Happiness found me the day

I stopped looking for it in others

and discovered it within myself.

Life cannot be replayed.

And I have decided to live it to the fullest."

~Meryl Streep~

And this...

“It's dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly... Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them...throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you...trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That's why you must walk so lightly...on tiptoes and no luggage...completely unencumbered."

~Aldous Huxley, from “Island”

I've been a fan and have read everything I could get my hands on since reading "Brave New World"

But perhaps one of the most profound things I've come across recently is... 

The most valuable math you can learn is how to calculate the future cost of your current decisions.

As I've considered where I am now and what is coming up in the future chapters is what can I do in the next three to five years that I will respect and appreciate from my deathbed?... I'm making a list... but I've reconsidered happy endings too...

To conclude about the doctors and hospitals... with technology being what it is almost everyone has an app that you can put on your smart phone... my healthcare system does and it's pretty swell... you can find doctors, make appointments etc... and your test results and history are all at your fingertips... while I was a waiting for someone I took a look at what the cardiologist wrote in the notes of my visit yesterday... the gist of it was that it started with I'm a pleasant, positive, intelligent and happy person... so with that I feel like I'm on the right path going forward... but I thought back to the last time I was at the clinic for skin cancer and one of the doctors I had met with briefly last fall came into the room and said "Oh I remember you!"... I said "Is that a good thing? I hope" he said " Yes you are easy to remember" I'm still not sure what he meant but I considered something...

One of my mottos has always been...Everything you do and say is a signature of yourself... sign it with style... it's how you will be remembered...I don't know if that is what he meant... but I'm sticking with this until I'm told otherwise.

Finally... I still have not recovered (I'm not really sure I'll ever get over it) from the fires that devastated  Los Angeles last January... it was a painful closing of a chapter of my life that the place and surrounding community that I once thought I would grow old and reflect on my life burned to the ground and was reduced to ash and rubble...

For me this is one of those chapters that was extremely difficult... and in some ways more difficult to turn the page on move on... as I've reflected on the memories of when I still lived there I thought about the sunsets I saw from my bedroom, and all the parties and different people... and days bobbing on the swimming pool on a float dreaming my dreams and planning my plans... and all the different trips I had taken to various places around the world... and I was always happy to come home to this house...I really don't count my age in years but the memories I had here... and subsequently the memories I have created since... and what I will have going forward... with all of this gone that rebuilding will never recreate I feel lucky to have once been of this place and the community...so until I find my forever home again... I can use that as a guide.

It's been an important life long lesson and not just the events of this past year... but remembering that all the closed doors, heartbreaks, misconnections and disappointments pushed me in the direction I was supposed to go.

For me one of the things that I struggled with the most in life is to let go of the lost friends in our changing lives and understand that not everything and everyone was meant to be around for the entire journey but just maybe for a chapter or two. People are in our lives for a reason and most of them not more than a season or two and the precious few for a lifetime... don't confuse them and try to make them fit where they don't belong... Accepting this makes moving on and turning the page a little easier... but some of those people in previous chapters can still bring important points and insight to the present... My best friend from high school and college father told us both that we need to pay more attention to developing character and not worry as much about our reputation...he went on to explain that your character is who you are... and your reputation is what other people think you are... I've never forgotten that... the other thing was to live your best life... and that the most important aspect of living your best life is a lack of desire to show others you are living your best life... "Your best life won't need validation"

It was not always easy... but one of the things that has always worked to my best advantage is that I've never been the type to try to fit in where I don't fit or belong... I've always been OK sitting by myself if I feel that I need to.

One final thought... I know I've mentioned this before but having had to get undressed in front of a handful of medical professionals this year and been questioned about various scars I've collected over the years after I finished the explanations I added..."They are the proof that I showed up for the battle and fought for my life"

So go back and read some of the passages from the previous chapters that brought you to where you are in the story... sometimes they will give you insight to the next part of the story... If you are still not sure and feel stuck then start by becoming the most healthy, happy and healed person, who is present and confident... and the right path will reveal itself... and perhaps go back to your bookshelf (I hope you have one) and read again with fresh eyes some of the passages that have been important to you in the past and see if they still are... one of mine is...

So next time I'll be talking about the importance of sometimes having  late dinners, long lunches and coffee breaks and getting dressed up... and some tips on traveling whether it's around the block or around the world... meanwhile consider this...

Someone sent me an email asking me what I meant last month about...Be a traveller not a tourist. I'll go into greater detail next month. I hope you will join me. Thank you for reading...

Think about where you want to go and which directions you want to take as your guide...

Life is like a book...some chapters are sad, some chapters are happy and exciting... but you have to turn the page to see what happens next...Stay safe... and happy!