Pieces Of April

I hope you enjoyed the last two segments...There is so much more I wanted to share about my adventures in Spain over the years; perhaps we can revisit that sometime in the not too distant future... 

There was a song in the early 70's written by Dave Loggins that he recorded and later the same year rearranged and recorded by Three Dog Night ( I like both versions) called 'Pieces Of April'... I've always loved the lyrics and the metaphors... Overall it symbolized the fleeting nature of love and life using the changing  seasons  as metaphors for emotional and spiritual growth... the significance of the title is the month of April and the memories... some people at the time interpreted it as loving a person named April. For me it was the month and love beginning in springtime and May highlights the passage of time...the memory bouquet to me signifies the beautiful moments and holding them together... the beauty of most music is that it allows each of us to interpret the meanings as they relate to our experiences and emotions... Dave Loggins who wrote the song explained in an interview that the song and lyrics were deep and personal after loosing the love of his life after spending three consecutive Aprils together before she left him forever... the song is remembered by most people as a love song but it's actually bittersweet reflections of the past. It's a very delicate ballad and to me it represents the beauty that remains after the sadness and regrets... and the task of moving on...the lyrics pop into my head from time to time... especially in April.

If you've never heard the song... Dave Loggins recored it on his 1972 debut album 'Personal Belongings' and was rearranged and recored by Three Dog Night the same year on the album 'Seven Separate Fools'.

Much like the differences in the perspectives of the two different recordings of the song...

...I love people who read between the lines...the ones who get deeper meaning that's in-between the shadow and the act... It's someone who can listen to a song and not just say they love it...but describe the meaning of what they heard and what it means to them... people like this don't come around often enough... cherish them when they show up in your life.

I'm bringing it all up because April has always symbolized... (at least to me) beginnings, freshness, growth, clarity, renewal  and the promise of brighter days ahead... and connecting or in many cases reconnecting and embracing the cycles of life... as with every new beginning in my life I've always tried to appreciate  what I've needed to let go of to move forward... and appreciate the tools and insights I have for the journey ahead. The spring has always reminded me it's also very important to appreciate the simple pleasures of life... and love.

As far as the song 'Pieces Of April' it's continued to be part of the soundtrack of my life on a few playlists... and it's evolved and I've found new meaning and understanding  over the years from love, loss and recovery. I've come to understand more on a deeper level in the arts and especially with music and books with time because of the various new experiences and life events that have helped me color and highlight each new interpretation... What more could you ask from a song or a book or life?

One of the things I've found in my journeys is it's extremely important to believe all the way down to your toes that everything is going to work out... for years I always thought it was better to prepare for the worst case scenario... and it took years of closing myself off from all the possibilities available...it's better and much more enjoyable to prepare for the best possible scenarios... you sometimes have to travel a lot of different dark highways to get there... whenever I'm afraid of the shadows I make my decisions with the concept at the back of my mind saying fear is fleeting... but regret is usually forever... I took skydiving lessons when I was 30 years old... and when it came time to actually jump out of the plane I was frozen with fear... and the instructor said... " I know you are afraid... but if you don't jump you'll regret it for the rest of your life"... and he was right and I continued to experience paralyzing fear until the parachute opened... and my cortisol levels returned to almost normal once my feet touched the ground again... I did a few more jumps and it got easier each time... due to life events and circumstances  I did not have the opportunity to sky dive again for about 10 years... someone gave me a jump for my 40th birthday... and he explained that If I did not let go of the fear that had been gripping me and pulling me down and holding me back from enjoying life again... I would never recover and again would regret it for the rest of my life... Life gives us tests... and we have to take that leap of faith again when we are ready... I was finally ready again... It's probably best to say yes if there is a chance you are going to regret not doing something for the rest of your life.

Always remember... if there are shadows then someplace nearby is the light... I learned to say yes to the possibilities... at the same time... but I have a very clear set of rules of when to say no...

If you are uncertain... it's a no.

If your instinct and/or intuition says no... it's a no.

If you don't feel safe... it's a no.

If you are not ready and need more time... it's a no.

If you are getting energy that feels off, fake, bad, forced, wrong or uncomfortable... it's a no.

If it feels weird and you can't understand why... it's a no.

Finally if you just don't want to... it's a no

The best part of navigating your life is you don't have to explain, apologize or defend your decisions...All that being said... we're left with a world full of wonderful  choices to say yes to. Our time is limited... so spend it satisfying your soul and not anyone else's expectation of what you need to do or be... spend your life and money on things and pursuits that bring you joy... I'm never again going to say I wasted a lot of time and money... because I did things I loved doing... a few of them were misguided choices... but there we are and you can't go back.

I got an interesting email from someone asking my advice of where to start when you have to start over... well the important thing is to stay focused on what you learned where you've been and what you need where you are going... for me it was as simple as being someone who has a life and lifestyle that I love... dressing well, taking care of myself... eating good food... exploring, traveling, trying new things and making memories... that was the start for me... Yours might be completely different... and it should be.

So don't stop for anyone who is not going to match your energy and only offers bare minimum and half-hearted vibes. Put intention  into curating your life and who you share your energy with... Go out there and start living, laughing and glowing and I'm certain you will find your tribe... don't let anybody ever drag you backwards. It's OK to look back and to look forward... but always be present in the moment. Twenty years from now you would probably  kill to have the health, energy and time you have now... go make the best of it.

I mentioned something previously that books and music give us new or at least updated insight with time..Old songs, books and movies hit harder when we are no longer the people we used to be... I read something when I was on a long flight to and from  here and there in 2007 and reread it again last summer... it was like reading a whole new book because I understood it differently... It's sometimes important to revisit the past... because in rereading the book it brought back something that was happening at the time and going back over it with a new and improved emotional skill set it  triggered the answer to something that I could not really grasp all the meanings and figure out the consequenses at the time... Of course it did not change anything but sometimes eventually understanding some of the nuances of certain things that people said or did can be a gift and like most other instances of issues like this... I made the best possible choices available to me at the time ...As I said it did not change anything other  than how I now feel about a few people I used to consider friends (and in one case friends-ish)... however it brought about   some long awaited closure of some of the important issues as well as a few trivialities that finally have been  laid to rest forever... I either did not know how to deal with them at the time or did not want to face some of the harsh issues.

From that whole scenario I don't wish anyone misfortune... I hope that they will eventually  experience some reflection and will have some internal accountability for what they did and said...  and understand who they once were to me and all the other people involved and why I've had to move on from them forever... and I hope it's extremely emotionally  painful. (sorry I'm not perfect) I just hope eventually everyone involved gets a heaping spoonful of everything they've served to me and to others.

From that and from many of the other chapters in my life...In thinking it all over... some (but not all) of the important issues of the events that transpired (most of which I have not written about)... but specifically  how I lived and how some of the people lived and eventually died... it's a good thing that many of the things eventually worked out  the way that they did. 

Personally...April is a time of celebrating another trip around the sun... and it's also the month I have a complete physical... and visit the dermatologist and make sure my birthday suit is good shape (should have paid attention when sunscreen advice was being handed out)... Over the years in all the time I've waited to see doctors and whatnot changing into and out of medical garb with opening in the back... I've spent some time thinking about love, loss and what I was wearing (or not wearing) I may write about that soon... Medical visits are somewhat dramatic and pensive for me because I can't help but feel that we are all just one accident, one diagnosis or unexpected phone call from a completely different life... so it's important to stay true to ourselves and not take anything for granted... all while hoping for the best.

In the years I've been curating my life... the exhibit, theme and even the tempo and some of the the music has changed as I've evolved... the costumes certainly have... Now I want a simple life... but a very aesthetic simple life. Decide who you want to be and what your want... and live your life according to that plan.

These are some of the things I'll always be down for...

Road trips

Dinner for breakfast

Great coffee (or wine depending on the time of day) and scintillating  conversation

Music 

Shopping

Naps

Sex

Food

One of the guiding principles for me in curating my life has also been aesthetically simple...

As we head into April we are leaving behind winter and releasing outdated expectations and versions of ourselves... embracing who we really are and what we want to be... it's your life... make it a masterpiece... but always keep in the back of your mind... there is a future version of you begging you to enjoy and appreciate the life you have and the person you are right now.

Books, and songs and poetry and art are like love... they don't have to rhyme or shine... they just need to touch us or someone where our hands can't reach... and songs and stories are open to many interpretations... and it will all depend on our experiences and the viewpoint we bring in trying to understand them.

So take all the pieces of April that you need for May and beyond... but leave some pieces of yourself for someone else to find who might need them.

Swim in the sea... count the stars... find your true self... be free... whatever you do and wherever you go... keep the part of you that finds delight in flirting and laughter and discovery and making life an adventure without an actual destination. Don't be afraid to shine or believing in miracles... but knowing what you need to do to make miracles a reality and don't lose the ability to find beauty in ordinary situations and things... just keep dreaming your dreams and planning your plans... 

You have no idea how many times I've wanted to say this to someone I used to know....

So stop and take a moment to appreciate  how far you've come and how much you have grown having learned from some fairly difficult situations and life lessons. You have every reason to be proud and celebrate how far you've already travelled... If you are still unsure of the direction to take...go where you don't need to hide who you really are or embellish what you have achieved or earned...this is really what living your best life actually is... There is an interesting paradox to living your best life... it's when you can fully and unapologeticly  accept yourself... then you can change and explore new horizons.

What I'll add is that the real flex right now is staying kind in a world that keeps growing more cruel... And finally... the truth is... I'm not everything I want to be yet... but I'm a lot of the things I wanted to be five years ago, and there is a wonderful feeling in that if you take the time to appreciate yourself... And to sum up the situation and events that occurred several years ago and the fallout that continued for several more years...a lot of things happened and a couple of really (I found out too late) horrible people tried to fuck me over and make things worse...but even with all the chaos... I had a strong sense of who I am and the drive to get  where I wanted to go from there to find the path to here... From all of it... surrounding myself with the right people and not letting  negativity and fear get the better of me have been the most important keys to my success and happiness. There is so much negativity in the world right now it's easy to get lost in it... I'm going to dwell in the beauty of life and living and look up at the stars and dream again about the marriage of the sun and the moon. (I'll explain that next month)

Authenticity is freedom...It saves you from pretending... which will eventually  exhaust you. It ensures that that love you receive is real. Be yourself and the person or people you are looking for... will find you... and when they do, they'll love the real you. 

Meanwhile I hope you will join me again here next month as we step into a new season with pieces of April...in a morning in May.