I had something in mind to write about the week... but something happened and all my thoughts have been on someone and something else... so I'll combine them and see what they have in common.
I think that everyone probably has a doppelganger or body double walking around somewhere in the world... I pretty sure I have one because someone recently came up to me on the street and gave me a hug and a kiss and said how good it was to see me again--- I was not who they thought I was... this all started about 20 years ago at the bar of a hotel restaurant in Naples Florida... I was waiting for a friend and the bartender was convinced that I was someone he knew who used to work at the hotel and I was having a difficult time convincing him he was wrong... when my friend arrived (late as usual) before he spoke I said "Before you say anything tell this person my name and where I live"... he did and I showed him my drivers license and since I was a guest at the hotel he was able to verify it... the man was stunned and was blown away that two people could look, behave and sound so much alike... A couple of years later it happened again in San Francisco... this time the person was really upset that I did not recognize them and was pretending not to know them... and it took some convincing and showing of ID and me showing them a couple of really good scars... (one from an accident and one from an appendectomy )... I closed with I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was; but the next time you see your friend ask to see these scars and hopefully you will be convinced.... up until last week the only other thing about this story that came to light is a long time acquaintance sent me an e-mail and asked my why I had been so rude to a mutual friend in Palm Springs... I explained that the last time I was in Palm Springs did not coincide with the dates provided and I spoke briefly about my unknown twin (who I think lives in San Francisco)... and frankly I don't think he believed me...I even called the mutual friend and I don't think he believed me either and I even apologized for something I did not do... and it reminded me of something someone shared with me a long time ago... "Who gives a shit what other people think... as long as they are not paying your bills?" but I'll get back to all of this.
I met someone a long time ago who died this past week and although we did not see each other very often we have kept in touch (thank goodness for the internet)... this was one of those special friendships that no matter where we left off we were always able to pick up the thread again in almost the same place...
Unless you have actually been on the ride of my life with me it would be difficult to tell you how much I've changed and my views and perceptions of the world since this photo was taken... although I do have a remarkably similar hair style; I don't think you will ever catch me in this t-shirt again unless we somehow get transported to a parallel universe... it was a statement for a school project of the person who took the photo.
I grew up in an atmosphere where everyone in the house had to walk on eggshells and not express any opinion different or opposing for fear of the shit storm that would follow... because of this for years I would go out way to avoid confrontations of any kind... it really took getting away from the hostile environment and growing up and learning about the world and learning how to think that I was able to have a constructive discussion and argument. I had a brief period that I went too far in the other direction and became very confrontational and argumentative based on other peoples inability to listen to others and compromise and/or learn or at least acknowledge a different perspective.
Around the same time I met my friend who not only changed my life and the way I saw the world which I'll explain briefly but... she also saved my life and sanity during a difficult time and the details of that experience we are both taking to our grave.
Let me give you a little background... I don't think I've ever been so drawn to someone so quickly... and I don't think I've ever been as intimidated by anyone on first impression before or since... but our friendship started on a note of fun and camaraderie...there was also sorrow and tears... but mostly laughter and joy.
I learned from someone else that she had been liberated from a concentration camp as a child and went to Israel and subsequently came to the United States... whatever horrors she experienced it left her without a single hair on her entire body... she was a master at wigs, false eyelashes and eyebrow painting.... this and a couple of visible scars were the only physical evidence of her ordeal. I'm sure there was much more emotionally below the surface... but I never saw any of it... for the most part she was one of the happiest people I have ever known... I only saw her become really angry once in all the years we knew each other and because of that I made a vow that I never wanted to get on her (or anyone else's) bad side from what someone had said and done.
What I learned from her and I was reminded of this week... is that death is final and there are no ghosts and magic and that good and evil are relative to one another...and that the consciousness you need to live requires you to think and learn from your actions and the conditions and consequences of other people and cultures all the while respecting your own beliefs and those of others... Mostly from all of the years and miles traveled she taught me the importance of paying attention to who is happy for me or indifferent and blasé when I'm happy.
About ten years ago I started to remove the toxic people from my life...the ones who made me walk on eggshells as a child and even as an adult...and could not see my point of view... but mostly the people who showed no respect for me and disregarded my feelings and ignored my boundaries... they had to go... this at first it was difficult because it required me to let go of the past and all of the negative energy that had woven it's existence into my life... but slowly I've laid a new foundation of positivity and optimism... since her death I'm reminded again of something she said to me so long ago at a time where I was at a crossroad in life and I asked her which way I should go... and she said... "you may go down the wrong road once or twice... but keep going until you find the place that feels like home." The knowledge from those words at the time gave me the courage to go places and do things that I might not have otherwise... and with the recent reminder to travel new roads and meet new people.
We never discussed in any detail her life in the camp or the experiences; probably the most significant thing was she told me her German name before she changed it when she came to the United States... but one day she once said to me on chair lift in Vail Colorado... "We are so lucky to be here today... promise me that no matter what happens to you in life you won't ever let anyone make you a cruel person... because of where we are in life today not one of us have to put up with any abuse or mistreatment"... at the time it made an indelible impression that has lasted through the years...
As I remember this I am troubled by where the world actually is today and those responsible for abuse and mistreatment and the lingering memories of mistreatment and abuse and neglect I often endured as a child some of it was benign.. but abuse and neglect is still what it is no matter how you try to dress it up as someone trying to their best. I've said it before and I'll repeat it again... when you make the worst possible choices you don't always wind up with the best outcome... this is perhaps a discussion for another excerpt.
as a small side note... it was from this particular trip that we both learned to rock the mumu and ski boot as a fashion statement.
I've never written or really talked in great detail about my friend Jessica or her early life before out of respect to her and her privacy... because let me tell you about the one and only time I ever really saw her loose her temper and composure... I overheard through closed doors... "You have no right telling anyone anything about my experiences as a child... if I want someone to know the intimate details of my life it's should be my prerogative to give or withhold the details." (there was about 20 more minutes of dialogue but you get the gist) ... since she is gone I don't think she would have minded me sharing the significance her friendship has made on my life and viewpoint.
I'm not the same person I was in the photo at the beach... or even who I was last year at this exact same time...so even with all the different ways the world and I have changed and/or evolved over the years... some of the most important things have remained and even grown better because or in spite of it. But me walking away no longer means I'm going out of my way to avoid further conflict... it means I'm done playing games, walking on eggshells and being manipulated so I'm moving on.
Last week I told you my mantra for the year... this week I'll share a New Year's resolution that I'm making a life resolution... I'm no longer accepting apologies without changed behavior!...
And also... do whatever you can to leave things better than the way you found them...especially if you are my body double living in San Francisco and interacting with people I know.
See you next time!
