A Quiet Holiday Season

 This is much different than what I had planned for this month... but we have to learn to adapt... that's part of the secret to life... I'll be spending a much more quiet holiday this year than usual... a string of events over the last few months have lead to this decision. We have to look at the signs life show us and interpret  and follow them... as a result I'm taking a much needed hiatus from social media and some other obligations to deal with the overwhelming sadness that grief dictates.

I've learned that grief never ends it just changes shape and texture... it's one of the passages of life and should never be confused with weakness... because grief is the price of love... I've been spending some much needed quiet time with myself and some memories of people and places and events... and I've had a few good laughs about some of the days I cried and shed some tears remembering the days filled with laughter.

So to everyone else who like me have not been themselves lately... our spark will return and the light of our eyes and smiles will light up life again...but we have to follow the pathway to that place and not let our life completely shut down and evaporate to bitterness and walking death... but for now.. I get up in the morning and get dressed and show up and don't give up hope... because every time I've been in this dark place... I've had hope as the candle lighting the way to the next passageway.

Have you ever thought about how many people think about you? Somewhere someone out of the blue sees or hears something and they remember you... and think about your face, or how you dress or a song that you like... or that spark in your eyes you have when you are happy... someone remembers all this even if they have not seen you in a while... Everything in life is a reminder of a person, place or moment in time that you think might be lost to time... but it's not.

I said in a past entry that life changes and when we loose something, or someone and have missing pieces in our life... that eventually something or someone finds their way to you... I believe this more and more as time goes by... but we have to honor the loss and learn from the person and events... I know better from experience it's important not to drown in the mire of misery... Remember this if you remember nothing else I have ever written... Misery loves company but Joy throws better parties.

From every loss come new meaning and insight to our lives if we allow ourselves to see it... Someone once told me something I've never forgotten... "None of us are a drop in the ocean... we are all the entire ocean in one drop!"

From everything and everyone lost but not forgotten... I know that between good night and good morning... I have the opportunity to see you and talk to you again... A special thank you to the person who told me before they died... "If you ever need me... I'll see you in your dreams!"

So however you are spending them... I wish you a joyous holiday season!  

See you in 2023!

The Next Chapter Of My Life Is Called...

First of all way too much time has passed since I planned to publish my last entry... a not so funny thing happened and I had an accident with my right hand (my dominant hand) that involved emergency room visits... consultations with two Hand Surgeon specialists... long story short... I'm not going to lose my right thumb, tendon issues have resulted in physical therapy and surgery is still on the back burner.... so the marvelous follow up that I had planned for October is on hold. (I have notes and an outline)... I just need two working hands to do all the keyboard work.

Today I'm going to share with you the outline  of what I had actually planned on writing about this  month... it's the next chapter of my life that has taken some time and soul searching to outline... I will probably expand on this in the not too distant future... but for today a distilled version and some images until I have better use of both hands and all fingers.

So the next chapters of my life have many names... 

• By Invitation Only
• Mutually Beneficial or "Bye Felicia"
• I'm Not Letting Anything Slide Anymore
• If I have To Question What Side You Are On... You Are Not On My Side
• I Am Tired Of Having To Recover From People And The Things Said And Done

So there you have it... I have always tried to see the best in people and situations my entire life and I finally had to learn that people show you who they are and at the end of the day the right people fight for you and are in your corner. The right people show up not just when it's convenient... but because they care... even when it's difficult and messy.  I finally learned that a lot of people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit... but the people that matter... are the people who really matter.

Almost my entire adult life someone has tried to convince me that I was being judgmental when my intuition was telling me that someone or something was off or not quite right... I'm not wasting anymore valuable time on people, places or things if something seems off or wrong... and finally... we have such a limited amount of time that I'm not going to water myself down for your comfort so that maybe you will like me better.

As difficult as the world and circumstances have been since covid changed the way we work, and live... it's given me a chance to finally recover... because burnout takes years to recover from...not days, not weeks...years!  One of the most difficult realizations in all this is that when a version of you or your life ends... so do some of the connections to the past. It's so important to know deep inside of you that even if you could go back to another time and another you... you can't because you don't belong there anymore...

The minute you choose exactly what you want to do and be... you start living a different kind of life... I never in a million years want to go back to the past... but it's nice to visit if for nothing more than to feel and see a few things again with a fresh perspective. I think the main reason some people hold so tightly to memories is that they don't change in the ever-changing uncertain world we live in... keep your memories intact but don't cling to them as a crutch... we all have to change and grow or we don't get to write new chapters.

The following image is one of the best things I've come across recently... it translates to "In The End We All Turn Into Memories"

So... my hand is killing me again (burning and throbbing) so I'll leave you with some images I've found traveling on the internet...

One of the things that I've really missed (besides able to fasten buttons) is regular exercise... walking will have to suffice for now... but I miss working out... I get some of my best ideas and inspirations at the gym...

So until next time...

So for the people who are part of the coming chapters... here is what we will be writing together...

Thanks for reading... see you next time!

The Music Man

I hope everyone had a wonderful summer... I did... and as usual I did not get everything done I planned... with all the changes in the world... the summer flying by is not one of them... I can't believe this is my seventh year writing... Thank you for joining me and sharing your thoughts and insights...

I said in a previous entry that dancing is one of the most important aspects of my life and who I am as person today... but there would be no dancing without music... the arts, theatre, athletics, travel, reading and education have been enormous contributors... but music has always been at the heart of everything I have ever done and central to most of my thoughts, dreams and ambitions...

 I remember listening to music and memorizing words and singing along before I could read and write ... when I was eight I started taking piano lessons once a week from a woman named Mrs. Parks (I forgot her first name)... when I was twelve I started taking guitar lessons from a woman named Mary Lou (I forgot her last name) They each started me in the direction of first learning how to read music. Music is like learning to read and speak a new language so so you start with the basics and grow from there... they both stressed that music is essentially any 12 notes between 12 octaves... the music or the song is how you interpret those 12 notes. ... and doing drills ...I can still hear some of those cords, scales and progression drills in my head... 

 I've had arguments until I'm blue in the face debating people who learn to play a musical instrument by listening and repeating without reading music and understanding music theory... and my stance remains... you can speak a language but if you can't read or write that language... you are essentially illiterate... and I still feel that way... but with time I'm willing to say... as long as you have music in your life...that's the most important thing...  but I digress...Some of the things we started with in my musical education were...

 they each  taught me about pitch and rhythm, but on the guitar learning and really understanding the frets and position markers and picks vs fingering... on the piano learning the keyboard how to use the pedals to enrich the sound... and playing drills for octaves.

And intervals lead to understanding music theory...

 and on the guitar...the relationship of the strings to the frets to the fingerboard and understanding picking and strumming... with each teacher and each instrument I took their advice and practiced every day... it's the only way you will get better at anything...and I did get better at both. By the time I started high school I was intermediate at both (But sight reading for me has been and continues to be an issue)

Here is the basic reason knowing how to read music and understanding music theory are so important...

...it was here that I took a step back and started voice lessons... with my music background I was not starting from scratch but had to learn that my vocal cords were an instrument...Mr. Peterson (I actually do remember his first name) and the piano accompanist (Marcia) worked with me two years and in that time I made remarkable progress vocally... and learned that it helped to go back to the piano and the guitar to cross train for lack of  better words...I stayed in the music department vocally but moved into the theatre department... I found a home in both... but what I really noticed particularly in the music department (and in particular the band people) is that many people who were shy, self conscious and lacking confidence and self-esteem in traditional class rooms became confident and had their voices (sometimes literally ) being heard for the first time (it breaks my heart that the arts and physical education are among the first to be cut from curriculum because they offer so much that is not available in the core program such as building friendships, working as a team and expressing themselves by connecting with themselves and with others)... it was during a short break in a voice lesson one day and the accompanist turned to me and said something I've never forgotten... "your vocal work reveals who you really are... your eyes read the music and your heart sings the song!"... from here I took a little sabbatical from music and devoted most all of my non-academic time to diving and skiing! It's really important to know when you have to step away and not split your focus; and equally important to know when to go back and put the pieces together again... during all of this the music always played in my head while working on those skills and focusing most of my attention on athletic pursuits... but I still sat down at a piano or picked up a guitar  whenever I had a chance and gave daily vocal concerts in the shower... and I still play music in my head on every diving board and ski slope.

When I got to college I found my way back to the music and theatre departments and all my friends were there... new people in another city but it seemed like we had been life long friends  from the first day... it was here that things became much, much more competitive... because there was much more at stake now... in four years I became a more accomplished singer and advanced to become an excellent pianist ...I still picked up my guitar to unwind... truth be told I still do. I spent so much time in practice rooms alone... I think it's the reason I feel comfortable being alone and with music and my thoughts... because it was in those small rooms that the some of the things that were simply noise inside of me turned into music... and many ofthe words I had difficulty expressing became lyrics.

During college I learned the music never gets any easier... I just got better... but even so...

or perhaps this is more accurate..

This is where my knowledge of music started to include...

Here is something that even if you don't read music... if you've seen the movie or heard the song you should be able to read this...

But on a positive note...the things that I struggled with then I sometimes use to warm up now...What most people don't realize is that music is one of the few activities that involve using the whole brain

Something that my voice coach told me relatively recently (I still took weekly voice lessons up until  the pandemic shutting everything down) after a strenuous hour... "Art is the way to decorate empty spaces... but this music and your voice is how you can decorate silence!" I think about these words every time I play or sing (I've continued my vocal work alone since stopping weekly classes... I don't recommend it over having a coach... but it's better than stopping all together... In all these years there have been so many sheets of music and so many songs... I said this in an earlier installment but it bears repeating... sometimes it's not that the song or the music is so emotional... but the images in your mind and the feeling in your heart about people and events when you hear it...whenever I've played or sang in a venue that lets the audience request songs... it's because it means something important to them whether it's bringing back the memory of someone or they way they used to feel... so I never disparage any request...  There are certain special songs when I hear them I see and hear someone who is or was special in my life and what life was like when I first head it... we all have those songs on our internal playlist... I honestly think music imprints itself on our brain unlike anything else! Of the things I've considered recently from the music and vocal teachers and coaches... they all did a few things alike..

• They took the time to get me set up and comfortable and do a warm up.
• They taught me how to navigate music by measures and lines and how to break it down to understand it and replay it...(sometimes several times)
• They watched and listened and gave constructive criticism and notes.
• When I just could not get to something for whatever reasons... they demonstrated it step by step and note by note.
• We took constructive breaks to walk away for a few minutes and come back to a task calm and with a clear head or new insight into the material.

I've tried to bring all of this into my everyday life and to every practice and performance. Bringing music into everything in my every day life is one of the things I am the most proud of accomplishing...

I've never in every practice or performance lost track of knowing that I'm only a half step away from the right note...and away from music we are always just one note or one word away  from making a beautiful impact whether to a song or to someones life. Music is one of the most powerful instruments to the human spirit... it can transcend beyond language and age and go straight to the heart and mind.

Of all the things that have happened on the outside in the world that have sometimes deeply effected me emotionally and/or physically... I've always been able to keep playing or singing my song... and I've enjoyed every note. So if I can give you any advice whether you sing or play an instrument... we all have music inside of us... Don't die with your music still inside of you... let it out and enjoy every note. Music is what feelings sound like! One major bonus is that I'm very popular at parties if there is a piano.

Often during difficult or confusing times I play music or I sing to help me through it to the other side...

In closing... I can't speak highly enough about music therapy...The benefits include but are not limited to... music can help repair brain damage and restore memory loss.

Thanks for reading... see you next month! I'll be talking a little about the elements involved in  writing music and lyrics.

On A Clear Day...

On A Clear Day You Can See Forever was a 1970 film starring Barbra Streisand, Yves Montand with a phenomenal supporting cast that included Jack Nicholson, Bob Newhart and Mable Albertson.  The costumes deserve a nod because the modern costumes were done by Arnold Scassi and the period costumes were done by Cecil Beaton... 

Before it was a movie it was a broadway musical with music by Burton Lane with book and lyrics by Alan Jay Lerner in 1966... it was based loosely on the play Berkeley Square... it's about a woman who has ESP and has been reincarnated. I'm not going to be talking much more about it... but if you have never seen it you should...or even if you have it's worth another look.

The reason I'm bringing it up here is not so much that I believe in reincarnation (but I don't really judge people who do) (too much)... but that I think each and every one of us if we have lived long enough then we have lived different lives through the years as we evolve and grow. Anais Nin said "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" I've lived by these words...truth be told I still do... but a new ingredient got added to the recipe when I read Cormac McCarthy's book No Country For Old Men in 2005 "You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from"....

Something I finally figured out about art (I spent a better part of my youth trying to figure out) is that art is seeing or finding yourself or a window to someplace else that is not you and you have not previously experienced it... it's a lot like love and friendship.

I've travelled down many roads and learned a thing or two along the way... oddly I did not always learn it when I should have... for example I just figured something out a few days ago from a situation about... well a long time ago... I sort of scolded myself for not seeing the the truth to the situation and the people involved when the events were unfolding... but with some thought and reflection... I don't think I was ready to face the truth about the people involved until I put all the pieces together a few days ago... but what I did learn at the time (OK, OK it was 1976) is that everything in life can either be art or rubbish... from the way you dress, to the way you keep your house and the manner in which you speak right down to the way you write and sign your name... Someone involved in the aftermath and helped me pick up the pieces and move on said something I still think about every day..."If you want to know what your future looks like then pay attention to the choices you are making today and where you want them to take you tomorrow."

All of this boils down to what you believe in  and what you dream about will all be reflected in how you feel and how you live life. I'm a big believer in dreams from the ones we manifest from our conscious thoughts and desires to the unconscious ones while we sleep... I think all dreams need attention; some people just write them off... but when you really think about it... while we sleep we go into a lucid coma and can slip through the veil of reality into a place of very complex experiences from our inner thoughts... I've often thought we forget or remember them for  very important reasons and it's important to take the time to give some thought and reverence to the ones we remember... the others well... they are lost to time like tears in a rain storm until they come back when it's important that we face or understand what they represent... Sometimes with our life like some of our forgotten dreams or the ones we can't really make sense of initially...we loose our place or direction in the plot of our own story (sometimes for years) because we are not sure who we are or where we are going or what the point is... but then we find someone or something that helps us pick up the thread of the narrative of the story... patience is important sometimes to for the story to make sense again...

So here we are and hopefully we have had the courage to step outside of ourselves and our safety zone and live the many lives and meet the various characters in the story and are different people because of the  journey...If you remember I once wrote here we can't judge someones entire story by the page we landed on...we have to take the time to learn the previous chapters before we can help write a new chapter. Some people become not so nice different people and all of this goes back to the choices we make today to where we want to be tomorrow... the same holds true for who or what we want to be tomorrow... but we have to start today and sometimes be very disciplined with ourselves not to let people or the events turn good to bad... I've written before and it's been said a million times by other people "Beauty is as beauty does." but you have to really understand that most of real beauty is the way you think... and the sparkle in your eyes and the way you smile... and your ability to make others smile... you have to have inner beauty deep down to your soul... because the way you look is going to fade... but what is deep down is there forever unless you throw it away because you no longer care about it.

That being said in the journey so many things have happened that I have not so much forgotten about (because I don't think anything should be completely forgotten ) but put in a box and wrapped in bundles with ribbons and put high on a shelf and not dwelling on the people or the situations involved and moving on... you sometimes need to take them out and reexamine people and things for what they are and painfully what we wanted them to be... probably one of the most important lessons... you can't make people be what you think they can be... they show you very clearly what they choose to be... and ignore that at your own peril...going back to 1976 and what is left from all of it is that sometimes there are really shitty fucked up people and don't try to see a good that is not there.

So besides travel and books

... music has probably been one of the most influential factors in my life... and I am grateful that I have been able to make a life and a living from it as a result...in the not so distant future I'm going to write another segment about music... but for now...think about this... music is essentially any note between twelve octaves...12 notes and the octave repeats... music is the same story told over and over in different ways... and how we interpret and hear those notes is what makes it beautiful or discordant...with music you can either forget everything and clear your mind... or remember everything or find something new and fill your mind. I know I wrote this before a few years ago but it bears repeating... certain music or songs will always take me back to certain people and situations or take me someplace I've never been before.

But back to the movie... I don't really think that anything happens by coincidence... there is a message from everything and everyone who crosses our path... otherwise they would have taken a different way... or left the story earlier or later... the fact that they are here in our story is that they are here for a reason... with that.. if you knew how difficult it was and what I've had to do to build and rebuild my life ( a couple of times) and put it back together on a foundation of peace and happiness you will understand why I'm very particular at this stage of the story of who I allow to be a part of it.

I've talked to a lot of people in the last couple years either on line, or by telephone, text or my favorite (scented letters delivered by the postman) the common theme for most is loneliness...I'm very lucky because I've rarely felt lonely except when I was living and working in the wrong place surrounded by the wrong people... that in my opinion is the worst loneliness next to the people who have outlived everyone who don't feel any sense of connection or belonging the ones who are left... and unfortunately many people decorate the absences and voids with all the things except what is missing... and usually it's as simple as sharing anything that matters with someone else.

I had really something else entirely in mind for this segment but as I was finishing my last installment I leaned the news that my closest and best friend (since 1965) had died... and I've had some very difficult days and nights since... in the middle of one of those nights I thought about something Isabel Allende wrote (I'm paraphrasing  but) "People only die when we forget them...if you can remember them they will always be with you."... it's one of the most difficult things but we have to not so much learn to live without someone but look for the love and life they left behind inside us.

So I woke up recently on a clear day... and I felt I could see forever because a new chapter was starting with a new me...

I'm not entirely sure where it's going yet but the beginning of the next chapter is about keeping my worldview flexible so that I'm not suck with the guidebook that worked previously and worrying whether those rules still apply...

Thank you for your patience... and for sharing the journey... Well it's summertime again... and I'll be taking my usual break (to hopefully get the things finished from last summer) Whatever you do have fun... be safe... see you in September!

 

Giving Thanks

Time as they say flies... this is the blog that I had planned to submit in November in time for Thanksgiving... and I just got caught up in so many things up to and including the holiday season... I know I promised to post this in February... and again like sand through the hour glass it got away from me again... I check fairly often the stats on this blog to see if anyone is actually reading and it turns out you are... and I recently (last Wednesday) got an e-mail asking if I had given up writing the blog... Believe me the day I decide to stop and I publish the last entry here you will know... but the e-mail did give me some hope that there is still interest in my musings.

Every year around this time I always say to whoever is around to listen... If you want to have an intelligent opinion on The Academy Awards you need to see everything that's been nominated, not just the actors and stories you most want to see... Again this year I feel like I have been doing little else except watching movies... but last weekend I finished watching everything on the ballot this year...  If you have not had a chance to see anything there are some good movies and great performances this year!

 It got me to thinking that the basic principle of being as informed as possible applies to almost everything in life as well... but it's a blessing and a curse... I remember someone saying to me at the start of Flight Attendant training one day... "The sooner you realize and accept that most people are boing, stupid and inconsiderate and that the passengers on this airline are no exception the happier you will be!" ... that was quite a lot for me to consider at a young age because I had always tried to look for the best in everyone... but the sooner I accepted it the happier I became... because you can put up a barrier so to speak and distance yourself from the boring, stupid and inconsiderate people if even just the duration of a flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu... not that simple on a daily basis... so that brings me to this...

I said perviously that I have never seen the world where so many people are as angry as they are now... and part of it is coming out of the two years dealing with the ramifications on our lives from covid-19 and all the things that each and every one of us has to deal with whether it's health or other difficult life issues... but I think most of it stems from the fact that the political leaders and basically anyone in any position of power and authority have their heads up their ass... and are trying to normalize stupid and inconsiderate and have introduced  greed and malice into the recipe.... I have a long list of favorite things and people and places that I love... I have a relatively short list of things I hate...

• Stupidity
• Cruelty 
• Greed
• Malice
• Deliberate lies 
• Kale

I feel like Donald Trump and his administration opened the Pandora's box on this...it's not that we have not had to deal with lies, stupidity, corruption and crooked politicians in the past but he took it to a whole new level of horrible and evil...  I've had issues with politics that go back to Joseph McCarthy, Nixon, Reagan and the Busch's... to tell you the truth I had issues with the Clinton's and Mr. Obama but not to the extent that we have to deal with now! The problem today is it seems to be being normalized by some news and information outlets and accepted by too many people and we forced to deal with it and them on an ongoing daily basis and ... where  we are today is a planet of angry, frustrated people... I'm not going to make this about politics and  the precarious state of democracy in the US and the state of the world right now... but instead what we can do for ourselves to make our own life and individual world an easier place to live until this can get sorted out... if it even can.

It's Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World... so where to we start?... I think we have to go back and get in touch with the most private and inner core of our being and of what makes up happy and what we need to avoid...Most of the photographs of my childhood and early life no longer exists and I was somewhat sad about it until someone explained to me that most of the evidence of our childhood and life is stored in the taste of certain foods and how the sky is lighted in our memory during different periods of our life... I think HG Wells said it best in The Time Machine...

Revisiting the textures and colors of what was the fabric of our life is an important part of the journey forward... and of the many corridors we have walked... revisiting some of this with the consideration that during our travels down the many roads we sometimes found places we have never been before and yet we had the feeling of belonging... Finding some of these types of places again I think is the best the place to focus our attention right now... In the travels down those corridors and roads... many people and circumstances broke my heart... but fixed my vision about who I am and where I wanted to go and where I still want to go...When you are young and not sure where you want to go it does not matter as much which turn you make on the road... and I think we are told when we get older we can't deviate from the map... I think sometimes it's important to take a different path... I've sometimes learned some of the best things and met some of the more interesting people from a wrong turn... I've also had the unfortunate experience of meeting some of the worst people and having some of the most dismal experiences... but you can't have one without the other you simply have to learn how to walk away from the worst people and dire situations... and in doing so you learn to appreciate the importance of harsh honesty versus sugar coated bullshit.

With that I'm going to tell you some of the things I have had to do for my own peace of mind and happiness... that was not always an easy or comfortable path... As I said earlier I have always tried to see the best in other people... unfortunately they did not always reciprocate, put quite simply I  sometimes put a great deal of effort to tiptoe around other peoples feelings and they brazenly tap danced across mine... so as nice and generous and forgiving as I used to be... if you cross the line too many times disrespecting me or lying or using me, putting me down or trying to drag me down to your level... all that niceness, generosity and compassion  changes in a heartbeat and I will never have anything to do with you again... people have actually told me I have to get over the shit they said and did... sorry the disrespect and the toxicity that come with it has no expiration date with me. I'm not going to dwell on it... I'm just done with you and the circumstances and I'm walking away for the sake of my mental health... this is right at the top of the "Life Is Too Short" list... That's how I get over it...  by never giving you another chance when you've already in some cases been given too many second, third and fourth chances. It took me a long time to come to... Stop being so forgiving of other people all the time... they knew exactly what they were saying and doing.... So there you have it one of the hardest things I had to learn... There is enough difficulty in dealing with everything that life sometimes throws at you that you have to learn to navigate what you need to do for you... The second hardest thing I had to learn was that no one is going to save you... You have to work and create the life you want... "If you don't like where you live you have to move...If you are bored with your clothes and image... get a new look...If you have a toxic relationship...move on... if you want to be better you have to do better. Life is too short to accept mediocrity in any area of your life. In the midst of some of my darkest hours I started believing and focusing on one simple thing... "Nothing is too good for me!" 

If I had anything at all to say to all the people I've cut out of my life is that ... "I walked away from you because you were so busy finding faults in me while I was busy overlooking yours." I realized finally that at my absolute best with my A-Game I'm not going to fit in or be good enough with the wrong people and situations... and at my absolute worst I'll be revered and cherished  because I'm worth it by the right people.

It's so much easier to be alone than surrounded by the wrong people. From the day we are born all of us are living on borrowed time... and all of us walk in rented shoes. Everyone will age... but not everyone will mature until we finally fade away... it's best to do that having lived, laughed and loved to the fullest.

So with all this I don't want you to think that I still don't try to find the best in people... but it's the people who are not stupid, boring, self-absorbed or mean... by weeding out those people it's easy to focus on the few good people who are part of the most elite coveted club in the world... "my real friends"... and as good as the future memories we are building... people change as sure as the season and I want to  document as much as can this time around with photos.

I think we all lost a lot from 2017 to 2021 and in this in-between  recovery year... speaking for myself I found some lost and forgotten wishes and dreams.... it seems impossible sometimes to even try to make up for the loss of life of a handful of friends and loved ones...someone said to me a long, long time ago when I could barely get out of bed from grief..."Every time you lose something someone or something will find you... and when you find something new you will lose something in the transition" ... A big step for me this year is that I'm not starting the days hoping for an obituary on the front page of the newspaper anymore I'm starting thinking about how I can make a difference for my world and what if anything  it can contribute to the people who matter to me ... and I go to sleep I  consider that some of the best days of our lives still have not happened yet... I like to remember people and places when they were at their best... but it's important to see them as they are now too. If you take anything away from this I hope that it's this quote from "Midnight In Paris"

NOSTALGIA IS DENIAL - DENIAL OF THE PAINFUL PRESENT. THE NAME FOR THIS DENIAL IS ‘GOLDEN AGE THINKING’, THE ERRONEOUS NOTION THAT A DIFFERENT TIME PERIOD IS BETTER THAN THE ONE ONE IS LIVING IN. IT’S A FLAW IN THE ROMANTIC IMAGINATION OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO FIND IT DIFFICULT TO COPE WITH THE PRESENT.

You can revere  the past and learn from it... but don't try to go back and move in... short visits are best... and by doing so you have a chance to accept what the hands of time have given you or rebuilding something new...during all this down time my life actually became richer and more interesting...because I know that if you want your life overflowing with music, laughter, art, intrigue and romance you simply have to surround yourself with those things...Books helped a lot!

Something I say every day now is "No matter what the circumstances are today... tomorrow could be the day you have been waiting for."

So since I did not publish this in November as I planned I would still like leave you with something... write down a few things you are thankful for.... The top of my list is that beautiful things started happening when I distanced myself from negativity... and toward the bottom of the list is...I got a free turkey from my supermarket in November but I had already ordered our Thanksgiving turkey the week before... well it's in the freezer and we are having it for Easter or Passover... haven't decided yet... but this list mostly consists of being so thankful for the people in my life of quality and character that truly matter.

Bette Davis once said in an interview... "Hell is lowering your standards and getting comfortable with it"... I think that is where a lot of the anger and frustration is coming from in the world now... too many people are trying to lower the standards of life and expect everyone to  just accept it...

Oh and one more thing... I'm thankful to be here to be thankful... a lot of people didn't make it... and more won't be here tomorrow.

I hope this helped... if not.. start here...

See you next month! Thanks for reading!

14 Weddings And A Bar Mitzvah

 

The last year I was in college I was busy with all the things I needed to do to finish my degree and join the real world after graduating... several people that I knew were putting more concentration and effort into their upcoming weddings... yes the title of this says it all... the year after I graduated I attended fourteen weddings...to be fair I was only a guest at eleven of them and was a singer at the other three. It was a very interesting year and I learned a lot about myself and human nature.

Let me just start off with something about myself at the time... getting married was or even getting involved with any sort of committed long term relationship was the last thing on my mind... I had places to go... and things to do and people to meet first... but that did not deter people from dropping subtle and not so subtle hints over the years that I should be settling down in the not too distant future... I took it all in stride for a few years and finally started just telling people flat out that I would rather be alone then settle down for all the wrong reasons... many people took offense to this... mainly the people who were getting married and settling down for all the wrong reasons... I learned that summer that two people marching down the aisle were going to be welcoming a baby into their lives in respectively five and six months despite the fact that almost everyone I knew was taking birth control pills and abortion was legal at this point in time... but everyone has to make their own decisions in these matters and it was at this juncture in my life that I adopted the "It's none of my business!" stance to many things and walking away; I still stand by this unless someone decides to make it my business for one reason or another...

...I also found out that certain families made it financially lucrative for their children to get married and start a family; this still boggles my mind... but once again none of my business....Probably one of the saddest lessons I learned that year was some people were afraid of being alone and looked at marriage as a short cut to societal expectations and fitting in...and last but not least is a couple of people that I knew were shameless gold diggers and social climbers and married for money... I'll get back to some of this... but first I want to talk about some of the weddings and experiences I had.

I want to back up a bit and explain that during college I had a pretty nice side gig singing at weddings and special events... I was already working as a back up singer and doing various vocal work... mostly television and radio commercial jingles... and because I could afford to pick and choose It was a a great way to make some extra spending money at the time... the truth of the matter is I was still doing back up singing and voice over work and singing at the occasional wedding up until the pandemic. My first wedding that summer and the last wedding I sang for had one thing in common I sang "Ave Maria" solo and a wedding mass backed up by the church choir... I'm only bringing this up because there is a great deal of time and rehearsal that goes into this... much, much more than rehearsing with a piano, guitar and harpist and singing "Evergreen" or any number of other favorites  picked for the processional at the start or recessional following the ceremony... sometimes I'm also hired to sing the song at the reception for the bride and grooms first dance... As a side note to all of this... the best wedding I ever worked as a singer I sang "Evergreen" as the processional and  "I Chose Right" for the recessional and "Just In Time" for the bride and groom at the reception. I think what set that wedding apart from all all the others that  followed or preceded this one was it was a simple, elegant wedding and the bride and groom were older (truth be told it was the second  wedding for one of the people married the first time that summer) but this time they  both knew exactly what they wanted from the wedding and the rest of their life with each other.

Meanwhile back to that fateful summer that kicked off the year of marathon wedding attendance...I knew the bride quite well from school and the groom and I did not like each other...  in my heart of hearts I knew this wedding was destined for failure... because the bride went to college with the sole purpose of finding a man and getting married... and the guy she met was an asshole...The first and probably most important rule about wedding etiquette is you can't tell anyone involved with a wedding that it's doomed for failure I know It would save time money and a lot of grief... but it's not your place to say it if it's only feelings... if the person is an ax murderer or bigamist by all means knock yourself out. I actually had to talk her out of dropping out of college in the last semester because she felt she should spend all of her time and energy planing the wedding; luckily logic prevailed... so when the invitation came I was reluctant to attend but I decided to sleep on it over the weekend... and I went off to look at what they registered for and bought a gift and had it sent (fyi if you are buying off the registration list... shop early) as another side note for years I bought a Steuben Olive Dish as a wedding gift and everyone really loved it (or so I'm told) 

Once I had a bride-to-be bark at me not to go off the registration list... so they got a Calphalon frying pan instead...

Back to the story...by Monday I had a phone call asking me to sing at the wedding... and was hoping against hope that my fee would be enough of a deterrent to discourage any further discussion... I was presented with the option that in lieu of my fee that my services could be the wedding gift... (I won't be crass and tell you how much I charge to sing at a wedding or how much money I spent that year on gifts, air fare, hotels and a stag party) I politely explained that I did not plan on spending that much for their present and furthermore I had already bought and had the gift sent... It may or may not be important to point out the brides mother and father were deceased and the grooms parents were paying the cost of everything...and were balking at the cost of my vocal services (it was actually a friends and family discount considering I spent an entire month one night a week rehearsing with the church choir)... so with that I did a remarkable job singing several people came up to me to tell me so and the three other weddings I sang at that year came as a result... there is always bitter with the sweet and the grooms family treated me like no more than hired help and I left the reception shortly after the wedding dance... they went on their honeymoon and moved back to his hometown so he could work in his fathers business (insurance I think) and settle into a the suburban upper-middle class country club life. I never did get a thank you note for the gift (this is where I judge... you should always send a thank you note unless you want the world to know you have a grubby peasant mentality)... I never spoke to any of them again but they eventually divorced so I'm told.

There was one more wedding that June and July brought two more and there were three in August... the rest of the summer nuptial festivities were really quite enjoyable as I only sang in one... and they were in far flung places from Hawaii to Connecticut and in addition to the actual wedding there was usually five or six days of swimming, playing golf and tennis and endless parties and drinking... this is were I learned the beauty of drinking club soda with lime so no one asks why you are not drinking and having fun...maybe it's just me but I always have more fun not vomiting at parties and being horribly hung over the rest of the time.

From September to June I was a groomsman at two of the weddings and best man for one... there is a protocol for almost every situation at weddings for the engagement party to when the bride and groom leave the reception... as the best man you give your toast after the father of the bride and the groom... I whole heartedly recommend you start writing this at least two months before the wedding... whatever you do don't ad lib at the last minute. Take the time to make it personal, poignant and throw a little humor in. If you need a little inspiration talk abut love and finding someone who knows your favorite color and how you like your coffee and puts their head on your chest to hear your heart beat and wants to discover all the things in the world with each other  and what  life and love represents and that two people have found the person they can't wait to wake up next to every day for the rest of their lives... etc... I've only been a best man twice and I turned the job down once because I detested the bride but invented an out of town trip during the festivities (I actually went out of town to make the lie more true). One of the most important things I've learned is if you don't like the people don't go to their wedding... especially if you work with them... send a gift and be done with it. BTW I had a blast at the Bar Mitzvah... I actually made some life long friends.

There are many signs and symbols  at weddings from the rings that symbolize eternity by having no beginning or end and all the subtle nuances of flowers to the rice thrown that dates back to ancient Egypt to symbolize fertility and prosperity. The wedding cake (my favorite cake in the world) Newlyweds take their first cut together to symbolize their shared future...One of my favorites is the wedding dance as it's the first steps a couple take together all set to music... and speaking of dancing... I think I mentioned in a previous installment here... I'm phenomenally  popular at wedding receptions and Bar Mitzvahs because I'm an excellent dancer... if you are not then do yourself a big favor and take a few dance lessons before hand... you will have much more fun on the dance floor than sitting on the sidelines wishing you knew how to dance.

Every religion and culture has their own special  symbols and traditions and that is why I have loved going to so many different varied and orchestrated  celebrations through the years...that year I learned a lot about weddings and traditions and human nature... for the most part weddings are about youth and starting out but they can also illustrate being young at heart and starting over... For some reason or another they can bring out the best or the worst in people who attend and eventually  learned they only bring out what people really are... whether it's an alcoholic, a bitter old maid or man who chased away love or a jealous rival... these people are always these things but weddings seem to magnify them for some reason... Another important rule... if you don't like the people... don't go to the wedding... it sort of makes you a hypocrite.

But on the flip side you can always spot the real friends and the relatives who really care and love the brides and grooms... you can read it on their faces and in their actions  before, during and after the weddings. In some cases I've had a special view most don't get to see... it's from the choir  loft... from here you see and hear almost everything... and one of the most beautiful things I've ever overheard is love only takes form when it finds two people who put their own meaning to it... or as I said at my own wedding... Art and love are the same thing really... it's seeing yourself in new things and  in someone else.

There is no guarantee  with weddings or marriage or anything else in life... but I'm glad I waited for the right person and got married for the reasons that were right for me... because I just celebrated 21 years together with my better half... and of all the weddings I went to that certain summer only one couple is still married... but some eventually found the happiness they were looking for the first time... I sang at one of those weddings too!

Hopefully this pandemic is going to be in the rearview mirror in the not too distant future and I will be singing at or at least attending weddings again... Oh and one more thing... don't wear red to a wedding... there are scores of people who say it's OK... it's not... it's distracts from the bridal party and to me I still remember someone saying... "I'm wearing red I wish you were dead" It's done all the time in Hallmark movies but I think their wardrobe people are dolts.Thanks for reading... see you next month!