A Match To The Heart

So here we are at November already... I took some time to reread some of the things I've already written over the years and made some notes about what I want to address in 2026... and now with the seasons changing I think it's important that we remind ourselves that no amount of regret will change the past... and no amount of anxiety will change the future.

Of everything I have written here previously and some of the notes I made about them I've come up with something fairly concise to recap most of it... All of us are the sum total of everything we have ever seen, heard, tasted, smelled, learned and forgot. It's all there for us... because of this gift we have all been given... I try to make sure my experiences and eventual memories and what I share here... I want to be as positive as possible... maybe most importantly I've learned that nothing is meant to last forever, but if we're lucky it will mean something forever.

I said something a couple of months ago that I've had more than just a little feedback from people who actually know me... I said don't be afraid anymore of anyone or anything... I was speaking more in terms of actual people and their threats... and  of where we are in the world now in terms of being on the brink (we are not on the brink anymore) of fascism and dictatorship and it's impact on our freedom... and the uncertainties that this toxic brew brings into each and every one of our every day lives that will likely impact our health and quality of life and living in general in the days to come.

I grew up with a  narcissistic    tyrant and spent the early part of my life tiptoeing around him in fear and dread... but life got better if you've been reading along... However it was pointed out to me by a few people that I do have two rather specific fears and/or phobias... Lightening (fear of being struck) and dark, cold, deep water... (fear of drowning) and I'm an excellent swimmer... but twice in my life I almost drowned. 

I'm very respectful of storms and in particular electrical storms... I'm much more comfortable  being inside looking out on a storm... but I was once on the open water in a sail boat during a storm... and another time on a golf course racing to get back to safety in a golf cart when I saw a tree get obliterated by lightening...I've learned  how to deal with these fears (more or less) with a relatively healthy approach of respecting the power in the sky and atmosphere and  the open sea with nothing in sight by keeping my distance... in that... I'm not a very avid sailor anymore since the lightening incident on Lake Michigan... and I've never been crazy about cruises... for a laundry list of reasons... from the drinking water to the other passengers and etc... etc... etc...The cruises I did love though  were a Nile cruise... and another on the Mekong river... where I got one of the best suntans of my life... I suppose river cruising does not intimidate me to the degree of hitting an iceberg in the North Atlantic or getting capsized by a rogue wave... and the other people on both of these voyages were pretty outstanding.

I'm getting a little off the subject... but suffice to say it's as important to admit your fears as a way of facing them and conquering your insecurities...  or at least taming your fear to a livable non debilitating degree.

In thinking about my fears... about 30'ish years ago I read a book titled " A Match To The Heart" by Gretel Ehrlich... the book details her near death experience of being struck by lightening and her two year path toward recovery from physical and mental trauma... with her cardiologist and her faithful dog who was responsible in in many ways for saving her life... she explores life and near death, rebirth and the resilience it takes to survive...with western medicine and eastern Tibetan Buddhist concepts of the body and human spirit and nature working in harmony... I'm really ready for a reread but I'll have to look for another copy... (this book and Perdido are the reasons I don't loan hard back books to anyone anymore)... one of the things from the book that comes back to me from time to time is that during recovery there were a handful of incidents involving fire and electricity... and she questions her doctor that since the accident fire seems to be following her... and he asks her to consider that perhaps since the accident... she is following fire... it put a few things in my own life into perspective for me since I read it. In her quest to understand the effects it has had on her mind, body and soul she learns some life affirming techniques on balancing being weak and strong and all the experiences she embraces for healing and recovery... and ultimately a new appreciation for her life.

As a side note... I just ordered the book (again)... I highly recommend it.

A lot of water has traveled under the bridge since I first read this... I pointed out last month that it's good to reread things when you have new wisdom and experiences  to interpret and reflect on... For me the  most important things in looking back over my recovery journey...  there were a few times I thought I was reaching the end... or maybe more accurately the end of the beginning (still difficult) and although it was not always easy or fun... what this book and physical  rehabilitation gave me (after a devastating car accident) in comparing  all the difficulties with all the possibilities that still lie ahead and examining some of the seasons of my own life and  and/or the problematical issues that were clouding my judgement... Like the author  I needed new tools for learning or  re- learning a new or improved skill set that would ultimately make me stronger and more resilient... and ultimately  becoming a better or more evolved and enlightened version of myself.

I've said that often we are forced to relive certain people or scenarios until we learn the lesson... one of them that has been the most difficult personally  for some reason is being kind and generous with mean, selfish people... the way  you treat people says a lot about who you are... I've come a long way from cool and distant to be at a place where I am pleasant and professional and warm-ish (if I need to be)... I think at my age that's about as good as it's going to get... because for the most part being  too nice in the past got me being used by people who will take advantage of it... I'm not nice now...I'm a good person... there is a big difference...being a good person means being honest, setting boundaries and not compromising yourself... being nice might give you something temporary from some people but it rarely earns you respect to build genuine connections... for me... respect tastes better than attention.

To be completely honest... it's taken me a few trips around the world and the block to understand how to find happiness. I found a key ingredient waiting backstage in a few theaters ... But  I went looking for the rest  in far off places and in different bed rooms as well as in expensive department stores and restaurants and bars... but I figured something out thanks to the best and happiest dog I have ever had the pleasure of having as part of my life...it's the simply harmony of who you are deep down and the life you have. One of the key components to having that happy sometimes elusive life and mindset we are all searching for is simply doing the right thing(s)... and doing what is right for you and making your moves and  gestures align with all that. Some of the things that you need to do for you may lead to disagreements but don't let fear of any sort of confrontation deter you from doing what you know in your heart that you need to do or in some cases not do...an argument will blow over eventually... if you don't speak your mind and do what you need to do and say to stay true to yourself... you are being manipulated and you are compromising yourself by censoring your true self...If you spend your life censoring yourself you end up living the life of what another person wants and ultimately this will eventually lead to bitterness and rage... I learned this the hard way but eventually I found my voice... Integrity really gives you freedom in life...because you have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide.

If it makes you happy and soothes your soul and floats your boat or grows your garden... then choose that. It takes great courage to leave behind what is not right for you anymore...and it's the same courage that will help you find your way to what is... 

But I want to add something important someone told me when I was about 19...When a door closes in life... knock on it a few times...if it still does not open... let it stay closed... know when it's time to move on and make another plan... Falling down is always going to be a part of life... but getting back up and moving forward is living.

One of the most underrated or least discussed ingredients to having a happy life is having a clear conscious. I've been able to go to bed every night of my life knowing that I'm not doing people wrong or dirty, or hiding who I am...and generally not screwing people over... you would be amazed at how easy it is to go to sleep at night and face yourself in the mirror the next morning with this.

This is a life long on going process of building and curating your life... I said in an earlier segment everything about you will say something about you to the world from your clothes, your signature, what fragrance (if any) you choose to wear... but the most important is how you live your life...to start you have to slowly cut things out and discard what is not fulfilling you and you are left with is what you love and what is necessary...and you will have what makes you happy...You have to decide the life you really want... and then say no to everything that isn't that. I started by cutting off anyone who was disrespectful... it's sometimes difficult especially if it is family or someone you thought was a calabash cousin... Always be mindful that you will be too juicy and spicy for some people and too bland and dry for others... and it does not matter in the least as long as you are happy and who you want to be... because eventually you will find the person or people who think you are just perfectly delicious.

One of the other really important things is finally understanding that there is no such thing as the right time... there is only time...There really is no such thing as ready...there is only now...so you may as well do it now... generally speaking now...is as good a time as any. I came across something on social media that more or less said "Stop waiting to feel ready... Ready is not a feeling... It's a decision."... but I want to balance that with something that Maggie Smith said in an interview once...'If in doubt... don't'... it's a very freeing statement... by doing what you love there will usually not be many significant doubts.

There have been a few people on my mind recently some who had their life just wind down like a clock and stop in the last year or so...and subsequently I've thought that every day someone leaves the world behind and it does not matter how old you are...we are all waiting in a line with a clock ticking without acknowledging it sometimes...there are the people who are before us... and some after us... and we can't move to the back of the line or step out of line...so while we are in line we have to make the minutes, hours, days and years count...One of the first things I think about every morning... is I made it to another day... I'm never going to be this young again...so I'm going to go out and make every minute count and do whatever it is that makes me happy today. (since summer I've given notice and quit the remainder of people and situations that did not align with my happiness and mindset) If I can give you some unsolicited advice... don't join a neighborhood or tenants  association committee the aggravation is mind numbing at times....at the end of the day it's going to be me and my sometimes silly life so I'm going to enjoy all the sometimes casually or carefully planed  moments and be the person I want to be.

I've written here before about happy endings and only recently really realized that happy is the beginning and the middle and generally endings are not always so happy or perfect...In Gilda Radner's book "It's Always Something"...  she wrote "there are some poems that don't rhyme... and some of the stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and ending...Life is about not always knowing what is next...   and having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to come next."

When you level up, you always lose something: A habit, a friendship, a version of yourself... it's not a loss... you are evolving... Changing your mindset from "I hope I can do this" to "I'm going to make this happen"... is a game changer.. but remember to be flexible... always know that no matter what... you are not too much, too weird, too anything...anybody who tires to make you believe you are... well they are not your people.

The same person who told me about knocking on closed doors also told me never to settle...there is always better...a better environment , a better career, better relationships, better friends, (I will add my two cents here... there have been friends that have been irreplaceable)...  a better life... better everything... Never settle or you will keep settling all the way down the line... until the end.

 Please set standards for yourself and the people you want in your life...it's not selfish or rude... it's important to your success and happiness...You are allowed to determine who gets access to you and your life...You can set the standard... it's your life. It's not an option... all the things that are optional will eventually evaporate...relationships, dreams and ideas.

So many aspects of the world and our daily lives are sometimes difficult at best right now... but I'm going to keep on doing what I've always done...I hold doors for strangers, I let people merge in traffic (but FYI I expect my wave), I say good morning and smile...I keep babies and dogs entertained in the grocery store lines and on elevators, I check in with people I know are probably feeling lonely because they don't have anyone to talk to about their days and nights mixed with the usual joys and sorrows and questions...Why do I do this?... Because I refuse to live in a world where kindness is being discontinued... And this is pretty major... I noticed a few years ago... that people my age seem to be much older than I am... so I must be doing something right.

The year is coming to a close soon...so ending this year on a happy note... may not   be easy or grand or filled with fanfare... but maybe it's up to each and every one of us in our own quiet dignified way...to keep going even when it's difficult...and to look for and find kindness in ourselves and the people we love and together create memorable moments for our future memories and finding and protecting the peace we need in our own worlds and sharing it... Maybe this year the happy or not so happy moments are not what actually happen to us...but who we become because of them...as we become more connected to what matters most...the understanding that it's not getting every single thing we want... but to appreciate fully what we have.

Here is something that I started the year doing every morning after I wake up

• Spend five minutes visualizing my goals and writing down options and ideas.
• Drink a big glass of water.
• Have coffee read the NYT headlines and do wordle (this is optional) and share the results with the friends I know who do the puzzle every morning.
• Prioritize the day and complete the most difficult things before noon.
• Move your body and stretch for at least a half hour and take a walk and get fresh air.
• Substitute at least an hour of television and/or social media with a book.
• Write down three things you are grateful for every day.
• Spend at least 10 minutes quietly reflecting on the day and planning for tomorrow.

If your habits and outlook don't change... you won't have a new year... you will just have another year.

In the book a match to the heart symbolizes the simultaneous destruction and awakening of your physical and spiritual self... and in everyday life... what I've said many times before... what can sometimes be lost between the shadow and the act.

Always keep in mind that the biggest risks in life... are going to be the ones you didn't take.

See you next month! Be safe!